Thoughts on trust
Trust
To me trust is something non-existent. It's not a lie when I mentioned I don't trust anyone, including myself. I do not have the ability to trust anyone. I don't know if it's a bad thing or a good thing but I've never regretted being the way I am. Away from trust, I think I learned many things which I probably would never had the chance to if I've never doubted or questioned everyone/everything that comes my way. That being said, it's probably a good thing to me. I admit I am tired too, to constantly doubts and questions every single things that happen before my eyes. I sometimes wonder if I would ever be able to rest and finally trust someone. I guess deep down I know that day will never come but it's not wrong to hope for something, no matter how small the chances are? Will a person, who has never had the chance to learn what is trust or ever experience what it feels like to trust and be trusted, ever know how to in the future?
I don't think my brain or that little someone inside me can ever operate out of trust. They were not programmed that way. I used to envy people who can put themselves down to trusting people/things that come their way, and I still do. A lot of courage is needed to be able to trust, to be able to accept things and people the way it's presented in front of you. And the courage to face it if it turn out to be a lie. I don't have that courage. I was never taught that way.
It's funny when people come to you and even though they don't really know you, they trusted you. A friend asked if I've ever feel trusted before. I can safely answer her, never. I don't trust anyone, it's only fair if I don't expect anyone to trust me. There has never been a moment where I don't look at thing and questions what's the motive behind the person who tried to get close to me. It has always been that way, "Why are you being so nice to me? What do you want from me?". That question is carved deep inside me, all the time.
Some people will probably feel offended knowing this, but it's fine to be angry with me. I've never ask of anyone to trust me, and if you do, I am not compelled to trust you in return. It will probably be better if you don't trust me either because I don't trust myself too.
To me trust is something non-existent. It's not a lie when I mentioned I don't trust anyone, including myself. I do not have the ability to trust anyone. I don't know if it's a bad thing or a good thing but I've never regretted being the way I am. Away from trust, I think I learned many things which I probably would never had the chance to if I've never doubted or questioned everyone/everything that comes my way. That being said, it's probably a good thing to me. I admit I am tired too, to constantly doubts and questions every single things that happen before my eyes. I sometimes wonder if I would ever be able to rest and finally trust someone. I guess deep down I know that day will never come but it's not wrong to hope for something, no matter how small the chances are? Will a person, who has never had the chance to learn what is trust or ever experience what it feels like to trust and be trusted, ever know how to in the future?
I don't think my brain or that little someone inside me can ever operate out of trust. They were not programmed that way. I used to envy people who can put themselves down to trusting people/things that come their way, and I still do. A lot of courage is needed to be able to trust, to be able to accept things and people the way it's presented in front of you. And the courage to face it if it turn out to be a lie. I don't have that courage. I was never taught that way.
It's funny when people come to you and even though they don't really know you, they trusted you. A friend asked if I've ever feel trusted before. I can safely answer her, never. I don't trust anyone, it's only fair if I don't expect anyone to trust me. There has never been a moment where I don't look at thing and questions what's the motive behind the person who tried to get close to me. It has always been that way, "Why are you being so nice to me? What do you want from me?". That question is carved deep inside me, all the time.
Some people will probably feel offended knowing this, but it's fine to be angry with me. I've never ask of anyone to trust me, and if you do, I am not compelled to trust you in return. It will probably be better if you don't trust me either because I don't trust myself too.