(no subject)
I have a job interview in the morning. I can't seem to sleep for whatever reason. Getting drunk this Saturday at Tonis house. Can we say hooray. A great way to end a not so great week. I seem to sleep alot here lately. Not sure as to why. I sleep and I dream. In my dreams things are like they use to be. When I was happy and the only decisions I had to make was what to wear and what to do with my spare time. Right now my spare time consist of nothing but Mitchell. Lovely isn't it. I spend all my time with the one thing that makes me miserable. Im not in love with him which is odd because I have never found myself wanting something so bad that I am not in love with. We constantly find ourselves with each other all the time. Last night we acted like a happy couple constantly pick fighting and enjoy each others company. We talked about our friends and all this shit. But did I hear is ringtone once out of my phone? NO. I guess he dosen't realize that in order for me to be okay I need to hear his voice. Why I don't know. I have always had that in the past. A phone call just to say hey I am alive and well. The friends seem to keep dwindling down day by day. All I have left is Heather and Heather the only two friends that haven't just kicked me to the curb. Seen CJ last week in the hospital and all I could do is sit there with my thumb up my ass. I huged him goodbye and I found myself for the second time letting him go and not wanting to. Yeah. Life sucks but what can you do. Like a good friend told me once it never would have worked anyways. We will be really good friends but that's about it. Im Julia Roberts in "My Best Friends Wedding" that's all there is to it. I am just waiting for the friends part to kick in. I am tired of hearing you can call me anytime I am here for you. Let me be there for you too. Why is it you aren't allowing me to be there for you? I know you are happy with her and I know you have got her there for you but I am tired of being on the outside looking in. I wouldn't dream in a million years coming between you and the one you love. I hurt him once why would I do it again. Hell does any of this make sense? It just hurts to know that my mom and him are closer than we are now. She knows more about his condition than me and alot of times she dosen't speak to me about it. I hate having to ask other friends how one friend is doing.