(no subject)
I think I'm starting to unravel again, but at least now I know what's going on. It doesn't help with the sinking feeling of depression or malaise, but at least I stop myself from blaming others for what's going on in my head. A small improvement, and one which doesn't prevent me from freezing out friends, but at least I've let go of some of the irrational anger. It couldn'tve happened at a worse moment, however that shouldn't shock me: the times when I need emotional poise are also the times when I'm under a great deal of stress. The unfortunate thing is that, though I need some serious mental health treatment, my parents don't seem to take it all that seriously, which then leads to issues like "how the hell am I gonna afford this?"
But, while depression is a powerful emotion, utter regret is even worse. Would I be able to survive knowing that I fucked up one really great chance at success after another?
One way or another, I'm going to need to do research on healthy avenues I can seek out. In the past I had some sort of safety net, be it friends or families, to draw me out of myself, but right now both are extremely week influences in my life. I can tell because the suicidal ideation is resurfacing, though I have no serious intent at the moment of following through. It is tempting at times, which frightens me deeply.
I'm leaving this post open for comments because I'd like to see if anyone has ideas about free clinics in the area, or programs I can use. One thing I don't need right now are comments of support or the equivalent of "please don't"s. I won't be slitting my wrists any time soon, and yes I know that people love me. My point in bringing up the big S-word is simply to reinforce why I'm at this point in my thoughts, not for pity. If you have a relevant experience, however, you can feel free to share that.
But, while depression is a powerful emotion, utter regret is even worse. Would I be able to survive knowing that I fucked up one really great chance at success after another?
One way or another, I'm going to need to do research on healthy avenues I can seek out. In the past I had some sort of safety net, be it friends or families, to draw me out of myself, but right now both are extremely week influences in my life. I can tell because the suicidal ideation is resurfacing, though I have no serious intent at the moment of following through. It is tempting at times, which frightens me deeply.
I'm leaving this post open for comments because I'd like to see if anyone has ideas about free clinics in the area, or programs I can use. One thing I don't need right now are comments of support or the equivalent of "please don't"s. I won't be slitting my wrists any time soon, and yes I know that people love me. My point in bringing up the big S-word is simply to reinforce why I'm at this point in my thoughts, not for pity. If you have a relevant experience, however, you can feel free to share that.