Where Ya At Lardo Griffin?
Imagine a cross between...
and...
This jurassic, gluttonous, drunken buffon of a hybrid human being is the porcine taint-eater that threatened to kick my ass Wednesday morning...
For it was a fine Wednesday morning, July 13, 2005. Professor Weinzuirl was entertaining his students with an action-packed in your face presentation of chemical bond resonance structures when a rowdy group of fuckfaces began to cause quite a stir outside the classroom walls. Both doors had been ajar as to allow cool air to circulate throughout the classroom. Sighing with disapproval, yours truly tried his hardest to hear the lecture over the ruckus. But, alas... 'Twas not possible.
And so I strolled... Make that stomped out of the class room and elucidated my dilemna to the surprisingly well-aged group of hooligans. It went a lil sumthin like this, "Hey guys, I can't hear my Professor over you out here, would you mind lowering your voices for a bit or moving down the hall?"
"No way dude: We're studyin, you can just close the doors if you want quiet."
Shocked, chagrinned, and appalled with their lack of courtesy and manners, I retorted, "I should not have to get up in the middle of class to close the doors because the people outside are impolite and rude."
As soon as I found my seat, the aforementioned fuckfaces went on with their jolly, vociferous commentary and laughter. 15 minutes later the class concluded and I was completely lost with the material.
Enraged with the anger of 1,000 Dragon Ball Z characters trying to squeeze out a shit, I proclaimed, "You guys are a bunch of douchebags, have some fuckin manners."
At this point a corpulent, bulbous geezer usurped the leadership position of his mini-cult. My initial polite request for common courtesy, manners, and Momma's Golden Rule (Treat Others...) had degraded into mindless vulgarities.
These vulgarities included:
Fuck
Asshole
Douchebag
and Dick.
But, I digress.
About 30 minutes after my class concluded, I decided to visit the nearby Subway. Conveniently, the very classroom I had attended prior was now filled with the same analprobers who crossed me earlier. From here my plan came to fruition.
"My, oh, my!" I exclaimed... "Why the doors in these halls are open! This gives me every right to be a rude, impolite prick! I think I'm going to just stand out here for a while and purposefully be annoying!"
Making sure to be loud and prove my point, I continued with a mockery of Ringleader Bob, "I'm 40 years old, I'm fat, and I'm still in college... Why do I bother living?"
My mission accomplished, I left for Subway and celebrated over a 6-inch Double Meat Oven Roasted Chicken Breast on Wheat... with Green Peppers, Pickles, and Honey Mustard. This piece of information was absolutely vital to the re-telling of this story, fyi...
On my way back to the Rec Center, I stumbled upon the hallway once more and gloriously whistled the Andy Griffith Theme Song. Somehow my previous tirade did not stir Boris Yeltsin, but my stunning rendition of Ode le Mayberry provoked Husky Hank to leave his desk, leave the *building* and run out towards me as I was leaving to the Rec Center.
"Now you're just being a dick!!!" the observant oaf bellowed.
"Keep flexing your muscles! (??????) Yeah keep walkin, I'm a kick yer ass!"
...
I was almost speechless. I wanted to laugh at his agony and morbid state of obesity and certain impending death... (especially if he wanted a fight.) Further, I felt complimented by his muscles remark. Sadly, I feel for Aunt Bea, Opie, Barney, Andy, and their ilk... I don't believe they ever intended for their theme song to evoke such strong violent rage (except in Nazi propaganda).
Not breaking my stride, I turned back and told him "You deserved it."
Commentary:
I knew full well I was being a complete ass. It was in retaliation to his being so earlier in the day. I proved my point that I should not have to get up and close the door and made him look like a fool in front of his entire class. I only wish that it didn't have to come at the expense of his professor's lecture and his peers' attention to the material.
This middle age "man" should be a role model for those half his age with whom he shares the classroom with. But sadly, his behavior degenerated to that of a child even younger than his peers. He should be ashamed not only for his lack of manners and understanding with my original request, but appalled by his antics later in the day. I look back and laugh at the whole altercation- Particularly his insistence on "kicking (my) ass." Unfortunately, he could not take what he figuratively dished out earlier in the day and greatly disappointed me.
If you ever look around you and feel disgusted with the lack of intelligence, respect, dignity, and manners people of our generation have- Don't forget that this is not an epidemic entirely exclusive to our demographic. Sometimes these pretentious, self-righteous baby boomers need a reality check. Don't be afraid to give them one.