I hate my life so much
I hate this so much I feel like I'm literally living in a fucking nightmare. I just want it to end so I can wake up but it's not a dream, it's my life. I seriously am at the end of my rope and ready to give up, but the sick part is, I can't. There's nothing I can do to make this stop, it's literally impossible for me to to do anything but keep doing what I'm doing.
I know I require more than any normal person can give me, and I know I expected too much of Evan but he was doing just fine until that day.
And I'm definitly sure he would have changed his mind and wanted me back and would have apologized for everything and we could have gotten back to normal only better but we never even got a chance. The best relationship in the world is done and I don't care if he 'someday' will talk to me again because I need him NOW I need him for so many things and I can't go on without him. Everyone says I'm doing such a great job, keep on going with my life but it's not true. What else can I do? There's nothing else for me to do, because I obviously can't talk to him. And I know he probably misses me just as much but what could he be thinking to let this happen? I miss him so much and it hurts when I know everyone else has a boyfriend/girlfriend because I know all their relationships don't even measure up to how great me and Evan's was but ours is over/suspended. I keep writing this kind of stuff in my journal hoping on some level that if I get it off my chest all the pain will disapear but it doesn't work. All the words and tears and prayers in the world couldn't fix this, the only one who can is Evan and his parents. And it's not fair because I don't even know what's going on on their side. I always knew how special he was to me but I didn't realize this much until it happened. And I'm realizing it even more each day and I hope he feels the same way. I keep thinking of what will happen when I talk to him again, and I keep thinking, wait for him to say he still loves me/wants to get back together but I don't think I will be able to resist throwing myself into his arms the moment I see him again and holding him and never letting go. And I know a lot of grown-ups all think teenage romances are never real and they lack a lot of matureness but our relationship I guarentee was better than some marriages. It wasn't even fragile, we'd have worked it out if his fucking meddling parents didn't get involved. And it really bothers me when people say he's not hot or he doesn't have a good track record [in terms of relationships] because uh, what do I care if he's not hot? He clearly is to me and when people say that what are they hoping to acheive? Making me feel really bad? And anyway, there are very few guys our age who are actually good looking. And so what if what he's doing now is tearing me up....that doesn't make him a bad person he probably feels just as bad and feels just as much regret and is probably really wanting to talk to me but he probably can't. And he was really sweet and nice to my parents never called me a bad name ever. He was the best boyfriend ever and I was lucky enough to have him but then for some cruel reason this whole thing happened and it has to be the worst thing that has ever happened.
Okay...just reading this journal entry and several others I just have to say I know I say things that could offend some people like what I just said, because I'm sure there are worst things like the holocaust and stuff but I'm sorry I really feel bad right now and I can't help it so if anyone's reading this or if I ever show it to anyone just don't think badly of me or whatever I am in so much fucking pain right now. And I know Toni and Skippee and maybe Benjamin reads this so whatever....
And also some other things happened to me today but I can't remember them because this sadness overwhelms me so much and I can't think of anyone else or anything else but Evan and it's really scaring. It starts when I wake up and am lying in bed and then it's a good feeling and I remember some of the good times and sweet things he did...and the good feeling continues until I come home from school then it gets worse and worse until I'm feeling really badly about everything and I just wish this is all a nightmare that will end but it's not. I hate my life, if it is this bad now then imagine how much worse it's gonna be. This means it has the potential to be bad or get worse and I hate it. I wish I could go back and not do anything I did to make this happen. I regret so much and it's tearing me up and destroying me and I'm always really unhappy and sad 24/7. I was never this depressed and before when I was it came and went and there was at least some times when I was happy.
I know I require more than any normal person can give me, and I know I expected too much of Evan but he was doing just fine until that day.
And I'm definitly sure he would have changed his mind and wanted me back and would have apologized for everything and we could have gotten back to normal only better but we never even got a chance. The best relationship in the world is done and I don't care if he 'someday' will talk to me again because I need him NOW I need him for so many things and I can't go on without him. Everyone says I'm doing such a great job, keep on going with my life but it's not true. What else can I do? There's nothing else for me to do, because I obviously can't talk to him. And I know he probably misses me just as much but what could he be thinking to let this happen? I miss him so much and it hurts when I know everyone else has a boyfriend/girlfriend because I know all their relationships don't even measure up to how great me and Evan's was but ours is over/suspended. I keep writing this kind of stuff in my journal hoping on some level that if I get it off my chest all the pain will disapear but it doesn't work. All the words and tears and prayers in the world couldn't fix this, the only one who can is Evan and his parents. And it's not fair because I don't even know what's going on on their side. I always knew how special he was to me but I didn't realize this much until it happened. And I'm realizing it even more each day and I hope he feels the same way. I keep thinking of what will happen when I talk to him again, and I keep thinking, wait for him to say he still loves me/wants to get back together but I don't think I will be able to resist throwing myself into his arms the moment I see him again and holding him and never letting go. And I know a lot of grown-ups all think teenage romances are never real and they lack a lot of matureness but our relationship I guarentee was better than some marriages. It wasn't even fragile, we'd have worked it out if his fucking meddling parents didn't get involved. And it really bothers me when people say he's not hot or he doesn't have a good track record [in terms of relationships] because uh, what do I care if he's not hot? He clearly is to me and when people say that what are they hoping to acheive? Making me feel really bad? And anyway, there are very few guys our age who are actually good looking. And so what if what he's doing now is tearing me up....that doesn't make him a bad person he probably feels just as bad and feels just as much regret and is probably really wanting to talk to me but he probably can't. And he was really sweet and nice to my parents never called me a bad name ever. He was the best boyfriend ever and I was lucky enough to have him but then for some cruel reason this whole thing happened and it has to be the worst thing that has ever happened.
Okay...just reading this journal entry and several others I just have to say I know I say things that could offend some people like what I just said, because I'm sure there are worst things like the holocaust and stuff but I'm sorry I really feel bad right now and I can't help it so if anyone's reading this or if I ever show it to anyone just don't think badly of me or whatever I am in so much fucking pain right now. And I know Toni and Skippee and maybe Benjamin reads this so whatever....
And also some other things happened to me today but I can't remember them because this sadness overwhelms me so much and I can't think of anyone else or anything else but Evan and it's really scaring. It starts when I wake up and am lying in bed and then it's a good feeling and I remember some of the good times and sweet things he did...and the good feeling continues until I come home from school then it gets worse and worse until I'm feeling really badly about everything and I just wish this is all a nightmare that will end but it's not. I hate my life, if it is this bad now then imagine how much worse it's gonna be. This means it has the potential to be bad or get worse and I hate it. I wish I could go back and not do anything I did to make this happen. I regret so much and it's tearing me up and destroying me and I'm always really unhappy and sad 24/7. I was never this depressed and before when I was it came and went and there was at least some times when I was happy.