Boring Days
Well, its saturday and I am at work, bored out of my mind with nothing to do. I guess it could be a bad thing, but I would rather be doing something rather than just counting the tiles on the roof. Thats right 60 of them. Man, my life is too routine. I feel like I need to shake things up a bit, have some fun. Anyway, now I have a chance to get some details of my chest. When i was visiting my brother I could tell he did not learn anyting from his bad decision making. Here he is in prison surrounded by warbed wire fence and crazy yokals with guns, and yet he still has the arrogance like he was never caught. He talked to me about the system of stealing and sneaking things in, it just made me wonder what it would take to make him realize that he is going to be floating down shit creek for 15 years. I want to say that again 15 years, think about where you want to be in that time, God, what a waste of a life. As I sit her I remember my decision to leave Florid when I was 13, because I know my brother was bad news, I knew if I had stayed there I owuld probably end up like him, to some degree. It just saddens me to think that the only living blood relative that I know is in prison, I just try not to think about the lost times we'll never have. oh well, its his life.
I'm tired of complaining about my life and how its so horrible. It just makes me feel so selfish. I have spent to much of my life caring how people think of me, I need to stop thinking and start acting. I have regretted too many things I should have done, and then make myself look back at those days and regret what could have been.
During the early years of high school I smoke alot of weed, and I'm proud to say I haven't done it in a long time. I now realize what kept me doing it over and over again, and I miss it. While I was smoking I didn't care how people thought I looked, all I cared about was having fun and being comfortable. Those days in my life were fun because there was no cautious thinking about consequences there was only action. Although I have come to "grow up" I realize that I have over compensated for my spontanity. My dad used to tell me that I didn't think about the consequences before I acted and he was right, but I never felt more free than making a split second decision. I guess weed gave me the false courage I needed to take risks. Now you might be thinking, "Doug don't start again", and I won't because I have got to much fear about being caught and getting trouble. Thanks dad, you made me an over cautious wussy. YOu know what though, its not all my dad's fault, he just left off where my brother and mother left off. My brother would humiliate me everyday, and I don't mean name calling, I mean beating the shit out of me in front of his friends and girls. Now, my mother could have stopped it, but she told me to be flexible and let him have his way, great advice. Now, as you read this all you will think about it the rambling emotionally scared Doug, who you had no idea was this fucked up on the inside. Well, my life is like New York, it looks peaceful from the outside, but once you get inside its confusing and crazy. I used to wonder why girls ever went out with me, and I realize its because I appear to be a nice guy with all my stuff together, but no relationship I have ever had has ever lasted long. I feel like I can't let my guard down for fear of what a girl might find. Man am I messed up. I don't know what to say.......I give up trying to understand....
I'm tired of complaining about my life and how its so horrible. It just makes me feel so selfish. I have spent to much of my life caring how people think of me, I need to stop thinking and start acting. I have regretted too many things I should have done, and then make myself look back at those days and regret what could have been.
During the early years of high school I smoke alot of weed, and I'm proud to say I haven't done it in a long time. I now realize what kept me doing it over and over again, and I miss it. While I was smoking I didn't care how people thought I looked, all I cared about was having fun and being comfortable. Those days in my life were fun because there was no cautious thinking about consequences there was only action. Although I have come to "grow up" I realize that I have over compensated for my spontanity. My dad used to tell me that I didn't think about the consequences before I acted and he was right, but I never felt more free than making a split second decision. I guess weed gave me the false courage I needed to take risks. Now you might be thinking, "Doug don't start again", and I won't because I have got to much fear about being caught and getting trouble. Thanks dad, you made me an over cautious wussy. YOu know what though, its not all my dad's fault, he just left off where my brother and mother left off. My brother would humiliate me everyday, and I don't mean name calling, I mean beating the shit out of me in front of his friends and girls. Now, my mother could have stopped it, but she told me to be flexible and let him have his way, great advice. Now, as you read this all you will think about it the rambling emotionally scared Doug, who you had no idea was this fucked up on the inside. Well, my life is like New York, it looks peaceful from the outside, but once you get inside its confusing and crazy. I used to wonder why girls ever went out with me, and I realize its because I appear to be a nice guy with all my stuff together, but no relationship I have ever had has ever lasted long. I feel like I can't let my guard down for fear of what a girl might find. Man am I messed up. I don't know what to say.......I give up trying to understand....