LJ cuts are for delicious vegetables.
I found an old text file!
It was a sunny day in Toronto, and the children were playing in the street. All except Joey Jeremiah's daughter, who was hit by a bus three days before. A row of cars carrying the prominent community figures, including Mrs. Kwan, Sir Clutch, and Principal Dan Raditch. At the head of the procession was a beaten up old station wagon, recently converted into a hearse with the words "Wheeler Funeral Services, INC" haphazardly spraypainted on. Within the confines of the station wagon were Mr. Joeseph Jeremiah, of Jeremiah Motors, and the lovely Ms. Caitlin Ryan who had a TV show, allegedly. Driving the automobile was the proprietor and CEO of Wheeler Funeral Services, Incorporated, Mr. Derek Wheeler. Derek wore a chauffeur's uniform that evoked a mournful but stately feeling from the reviewer, until one noticed the powdered sugar marks of several jam doughnuts on the pantslegs.
Joey: Caitlin, I can't believe my daughter, what's her name, is dead! It's all my fault, I told her to play with her remote control car in the street, and then that errant bus Clauded her all over the pavement.
Caitlin: Joey, it's not your fault! Cars go in the street. You know that, and she knew the risk that she was taking. It's nobody's fault! Feel better! Have some funeral fudge.
Joey: I do not want of sweets, only the love of my dead child, that love which I shalt ne'er feel 'gainst my breast in an embrace between father and daughter.
Caitlin: What?
Joey: I'm sad! Boo-hoo-hoo! Woe is me! I have lost my only daughter from my first wife, Wifey Jeremiah, and I shall never have that again.
Caitlin: But you can have more kids, Joey! Replace her with one from me! We practice having kids every night anyway!
Joey: It's just not the same.
Wheels: Joey, you gonna finish that funeral fudge?
Joey: No, sweet Wheels, take it hence!
Caitlin: What?
Joey: Now I am forever alone, except of course for you, Caitlin, and that other kid who stays with us. What's his name again? Oh yeah, Craig. Yeah, where is that little bastard?
Caitlin: I don't know, probably riding with some of the other kids.
Joey: Well, I hope he's not stealing a car from the lot again, while his half sister is in the back rotting!
Meanwhile, a Red convertible speeds down the highway.
Craig: Man, stealing this car while my half-sister rots in the trunk of Wheels' station wagon is the best idea I've ever had!
Marco: Amen to that!
Jimmy: And getting Gas-X for Spinner was the second best idea you've ever had.
Spinner: I didn't steal your MP3 player.
Jimmy: What?
Spinner: Sorry, I sold my last coupla pills to Sully. Kid'll buy anything.
We see Sully speed by the car's window on a Harley, screaming, with several police cars following him.
Sully: I'VE GOT TO BE IN VANCOUVER IN AN HOUR!!!! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Sully pops a wheelie and VRRRROOOMS away.
Craig: Well, that was formulaic.
Marco: Word. So where are we going, el jefe?
Craig: The coolest place in the world.
Jimmy and Spinner: MARGE VANDERBURG'S ALL YOU CAN EAT SAUSAGE BUFFET AND PORN! (they slap eachother five)
Craig: Nope. Stoufville.
Paige: What the heck is in Stoufville?
Craig: Nice of you to join the conversation. There's this Diner where we're going to leave you and Spinner. Spin, they've got $2.99 omelettes, so fear not.
Spinner: Score!
Craig: Dylan was kind enough to drive the rest of the cool people there, you know, Hazel, JT, that girl who cuts herself. Those people.
Marco: So what happens to Jimmy and I?
Craig: Jimmy and you are coming with me on a special secret mission.
Jimmy: What kind of a secret?
Craig: Obviously I don't want Spinner and Paige to know. That's why it's a secret. Dumbass.
Meanwhile, in the other car.
Ellie: ... [i]and so the little ice castle of sadness encloses upon itself, never to be seen again.[/i] What'd you think guys?
Hazel: ...
JT: ...
Dylan: I think it showed a lot of talent.
Ellie: Really? Okay! Here's another one. [i]I regret my fate[/i]
Hazel: Hey, look, a Badger!
JT: YAY!
Dylan: [i]phew.[/i]
Meanwhile, in Rick's basement:
Terri is in a pit, groggily regaining consciousness after what appears to be a blow to the Noggin. Pun intended.
Terri: unh... Whe... Where am I?
Rick sprays her with a hose.
Terri: ugggh! awww! not cold water! my mascara!
Rick lowers down a bucket, containing lotion.
Rick: It takes the lotion, and it puts it on its skin.
Terri: What the hell, Rick? You sicko!
Rick: It takes the lotion, and it puts it on its skin, and then it puts it back in the bucket, or else it gets the hose again.
Terri complies, not wanting to be soaked and muddy. Rick leaves.
Meanwhile, at the Rave:
Manny: Hey Emma, I need to talk to you!
Emma: Okay, let's go to the bathroom.
(they go to the bathroom. see how nicely that works?)
Emma: What's the deal?
Manny: Isn't it odd that we're underage, and yet we go to raves all the time, despite all the TV news reports that deride it as a foul culture, plagued by drugs and promiscuous sex?
Emma: Yeah. I noticed that. I guess your parents aren't so strict.
Manny: Yep. They're pretty awesome. And you're a latchkey kiddie!
Emma: Whooo-wooooo!
Manny: Anyway, I got knocked up again.
Emma: Oh, that sucks. Going to keep it this time?
Manny: Nah, probably not. I think Craig's the father, except for the fact that I had lots of unprotected sex with Sean and haven't seen Craig in weeks.
Emma: Huh. That's odd. So what are you going to do about it?
Manny: I dunno. Guess I'll have to get ol' Rusty out again.
Emma: Rusty?
Manny takes a coathanger out of her handbag.
Manny: Give us a moment alone, would you love?
Emma leaves the bathroom, after throwing up in her mouth a little. Chris walks up to her.
Chris: Hey, do you want to go dance?
Emma: I thought you were DJing tonight.
Chris: Word, we got this new kid, he's outta sight, man! Let's grind!
Emma: Okay.
Toby: Diz is DJ VIRUZ hunT comin' at cha, all the fly honeys say HOOOOOOoooOOOOOOOO!
Fly Honeys: HOOOOOOoooOOOOOOOO!
(Manny's muffled screams are heard in the back)
Toby: WORD UP! We gonna drop this next one in a sec, but it's dedicated from a very special guy to a very special lady!
Fly Honeys: OOOOOOooooOOOOOO!
Manny: OOOOOOWWWWWWWW!
Toby: Emma, you are the girl of my dreams, will you get intoxicated and freaky with me tonight? Love, Chris.
Emma: Aww Chris! You're so sweet.
Meanwhile, at the Dot:
Kendra: Soooo.
Liberty: Soooo.
Kendra: Yeah.
Liberty: Yup.
Kendra: Some good fries.
Liberty: They're mediocre.
Kendra: I've got an idea.
Liberty: What?
Kendra: LAN PARTY!
Liberty: WOOOOOO-WOOOOOO! ZERG RUSH!
Meanwhile, at the Funeral:
Father Alex Yankou: Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today to stick this little kid, whatever her name is, in the ground. I'll be over here, saying some Greek stuff, because I know that Joey's not Orthodox, he's just trying to get a free funeral outta me. Jerk. Amen.
Caitlin: That was sooo touching!
Joey: ... yeah.
Snake: I'm sorry you lost your child. Would you like Jack? He pukes and poops a lot.
Spike: ARCHIE!
Snake: Sorry, I have bad timing. It's the chemo.
Spike: That's your excuse for everything!
(series of flashbacks at different times and places)
Spike: Did you pay the babysitter?
Snake: Oh no, I must've forgotten. It's the Chemo.
Spike: Did you call up Mr. Raditch in the middle of the night and tell him that you were going to eat his dog?
Snake: Chemo.
Spike: Did you remember to go to your Chemo appointment?
Snake: I forgot. It's the Chemo.
(back to the present)
Spike: So own up to it, jerk.
Snake: Sorry.
Joey: It's alright. You tried, albeit miserably. You're a sucky friend. I'm going to go get drunk with Wheels.
Snake: But I thought Wheels didn't...
Joey: Yeah, yeah, you thought, you thought, nice of you to start thinking now, jerk.
Caitlin: What?
On the way to the LAN party:
Kendra: Did you hear they've got a new Catwoman movie coming out with Halle Berry?
Liberty: Wow. People will buy anything, won't they.
Kendra: Pretty much. Especially if it comes in skin-tight lycra.
Liberty: JT would look good in skin tight lycra.
Kendra: Isn't he a furry?
Liberty: Isn't everyone?
Kendra: You know what, why don't we go check out Toby's rave first.
Meanwhile, in Historic Downtown Stoufville:
Spinner: Where the hell is this diner? I want eggs!
Paige: Maybe we could do something else? Something a little more... fun?
Spinner: SPINNER WANT EGGS!
Paige: This is just like at the formal...
(flashback)
Spinner is in a Tuxedo, Paige is in a garish leopard print something that crawled out of a very, very evil designer's mind.
Spinner: SPINNER WANT EGGS!
Spinner knocks over a table, throws a file cabinet through a window and runs off into the woods. The woods of Toronto.
(back to the present)
Craig: Shut up, Spinner. The diner's just around the corner.
Spinner: What corner? There aren't any corners in Stoufville.
Craig: Good point. Look, it's just over there. Can't you smell the eggs?
Spinner: Spinner smells eggs.
Paige: C'mon Bluto. Let's go get you some homefries.
Spinner: And eggs?
Paige: Yeah, eggs too. Jeez, you're going to die of a heart attack before you're 25.
Spinner: Where are the others?
Paige: I dunno. They'll be here shortly.
Meanwhile, off the side of the road:
Dylan: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. (zzzzzzzzip!) AHHHHHHHH! (de-zzzzzzzip!!!) (zzzzzzzzip). Ow. Thanks a lot, Levi's.
Ellie: C'mon let's go.
Dylan: Jeez, keep your arm socks on.
Hazel: What was all the screaming about?
Dylan: I uh...
JT: Out with it!
Dylan: I killed a hitchiker. Let's go.
JT, Hazel, Ellie: WHAT?
Dylan: Oh, fine. I just got... caught. In my zipper.
JT: ouch.
Ellie: Sounds fun. Alas.
Dylan: Yeah, it's fricking eurodisney. Let's go, we're late.
JT: I'm not the one who drank 17 cups of ginger ale.
Dylan: JT, you see the duct tape in the back?
JT: Yeah, what about it?
Dylan: It has practical as well as recreational purposes.
JT: Gotcha.
Hazel: So why are we going to freakin' Stoufville.
Dylan: Do you like eggs?
Hazel: Not really.
Dylan: Well, okay. Craig, Marco (sigh) and Jimmy are going to kidnap some old whacko dude and incorporate them into their band. Somehow.
JT: That's overly complex, and largely pointless.
Dylan: Hey, Hazel, did you know that JT had a wet dream about Liberty?
Hazel: No. How about that? Sicko.
JT: How'd you know?
Dylan: I have my ways.
(flashback)
Dylan: Hey, Toby, did JT ever have a wet dream about Liberty?
Toby: Come to think of it, he did.
Dylan: How about that? Sicko.
Toby: Tell me about it.
(back to normal time)
JT: I hate you all.
Dylan: And JT's a furry.
Ellie: A dark, cold furry?
JT: No, more like warm and fuzzy. The whole Spotz thing kinda got to me after a while.
Ellie: Well, there go your chances of getting with me.
JT: Ah, crap. Hazel?
Hazel: Nope. Sorry, I'm saving myself for someone with a car.
Dylan: You do know I'm gay, right? I mean, you're Paige's occasional best friend.
Hazel: Oh. Never really noticed before. JT, get a segway and we'll talk.
JT: EXCELLENT! *AIR GUITAR SOLO*
Meanwhile at the Rave, which is strangely happening in the middle of the day:
Emma: Wow, this is such a good brunch rave.
Chris: Nice save.
Emma: Hey, Dave!
Dave Willis: You knave!
Joey's Daughter: I'm in the grave.
Emma: Better than a cave. Anyway, that was really cute to dedicate that song to me.
Chris: Yes, and now we will get drunk and get freaky.
Emma: Sure, why not do something completely out of character!
Emma then produces a fifth of vodka from her fanny pack, and begins to chug. Chris looks on, slightly amazed.
Chris: Emma, you drink like an alcoholic. Considering this is the first time you've ever touched alcohol, I'm just... flabbergasted? Is that the right word for a stylish hip-hop afficianado to use? Maybe there's an awakening inside me, some great new form of music, some new [i]haute culture[/i] to dedicate myself to. Indeed, that remix of "99 Problems" I cut with that Chopin cat was most fascinating. Am I to become a Classical music scholar? Oh dear, I shall need dockers.
Emma: Shut up and drink, pussy.
Chris: You got it!
Emma: I'm sure glad my mom listened to the Pogues a lot in my formative stages. It really helped me develop a healthy attitude to drinking and the british.
Chris: (glug, glug, glug) Damn!
Emma: Damn!
Chris DAMN!
Emma: DAMN!
Dave Willis: [b]DAMN![/b]
Chris: ...damn.
Emma: Showoff.
Fly Honeys: HOOOOOOoooOOOOOO!
Toby: Word up, we got the fly honeys rockin' it, and a lot of people yelling "Damn" at one another, I'm DJ VIRUS hunT and y'all can catch me spinning later tonight at um... (cuts out of dj voice, becomes small boy again) my high school dance. (back to DJ) so check me out, yo!
Chris: That was a fun rave, and now we are both intoxicated!
Emma: And it's not even noon!
Chris: Damn.
Emma: Well, we've fulfilled one stereotype of raves on Teen TV, and we're thoroughly intoxicated. Let's stumble home and become promiscuous. We can have fumbling, drunken sex and I can get pregnant!
Chris vomits all over himself.
Chris: I don't think I'm really up to that. How about we just play Clue?
Emma: Yay!
Dave Willis: I didn't see that coming. Crappy writing, Polisher.
... just outside the rave:
Emma: Wait, I left my handbag inside. And by handbag, I mean Manny.
Chris: You really sober up quickly, don't you?
Emma: What can I say, I get it from my dad.
Chris: Didn't he take acid and jump off a bridge?
Emma: He was pretty hardcore, yeah.
Chris: Are you even listening to me?
Emma: Yeah, sure, I'll be Professor Plum.
Chris: Screw this. You want to try this whole "intoxicated Emma gets knocked up" thing again?
Emma: Not really, I can't find a way to make it funny. I'm pretty sure that our vingette is going to end and I'll have superb adventures with Manny for the rest of the day.
Chris: Alrighty. I'll just go someplace.
Emma: You do that.
Emma: Manny, you cool?
Manny: Yeah, never better, why?
Emma: Where's all the blood?
Manny: What blood?
Emma: What the hell?
Manny: You don't need to worry about my uncanny healing abilities right now. Right now we need to get to the wake in time so that your mom doesn't know that we went to a brunch rave.
Emma: Good point. We can stop at my house and get changed on the way. Did you bring a spare set of clothes?
Manny: Yup.
Emma: We need to have a long talk about quantum physics later.
Manny: Quantuh, what?
Emma: Nevermind. We've got ten minutes to get to the wake. We can steal Toby's segway.
Manny: Sweet! Stealing! Let's ride!
Emma and Manny VRRRRROOOOM away on the Segway. Assonance!
meanwhile, at another outside the rave:
Kendra: Toby, how'd the rave go? Sorry we missed it.
Toby: I was okay, I guess. Hi Liberty.
Liberty: Hey Toby. Did JT ever have a wet dream about me?
Toby: Come to think of it, he did.
Liberty: Huh. How about that?
Kendra: Sicko.
Toby: So what are the ostracized kids going to do this afternoon?
Kendra: We were going to have a LAN party, but that was lame.
Liberty: Hey, I have a strange feeling that JT is in Stoufville. Want to check out my spidey senses?
Toby: Yeah, we'll just hop on my Segway, and... MY SEGWAY! IT'S GONE! And there's a note!
[i]Dear Toby,
Sorry we stole your Segway, but we needed to go somewhere else, and quite frankly, we don't care what you think, because there's nothing you can do about it. Thhbbt.
Love,
Sean and That Guy With The Hat.[/i]
Toby: Curses! Will these thefts never end? I guess we're taking the train.
Liberty: Take the last train to Stoufville and I'll meet you at the station....
Kendra: Great. We're going to hear that for the next hour. I'm glad Spinner's off eating sausage and looking at porn. He'd smack the lame right out of Liberty's clogs.
Liberty: They're not clogs! They're slippers. Note the bunnies.
Kendra: I was giving you the benefit of the doubt. Weirdo.
Liberty: Let's just go.
in exotic Stoufville:
Craig: Dylan, what took you so freakin' long?
Dylan: Would you believe Wardrobe Failure?
Craig: Yes, yes I would.
Dylan: So where are Marco and Jimmy?
Craig: Creating a distraction.
Dylan: Ah. Hey, why didn't you want Spinner to know about your plan?
Craig: It's nothing personal, I just don't want him to mess it up, like that time we tried to swipe the answers to the science test that one night.
(flashback)
Craig and Spinner are wearing all black, with black knit caps that look SOOO cute. They search through drawers rapidly, fearful of omnipresent night janitors.
Craig: I've got it!
Spinner: Awesome! Guess what I just did?
Craig: Oh no. What?
Spinner: I pulled the fire alarm! Great prank huh?
Craig: --- hole!
(back to the present)
Dylan: Oh, makes sense. So where should I pick you guys up?
Craig: There's a loading dock out back. Have the engine running.
Dylan: Gotcha.
Craig: Uh Dylan?
Dylan: Yeah?
Craig: Why is JT hog-tied with duct tape?
Dylan: He got out of line. Mostly Ellie's doing though. First time she cracked a smile all day.
Ellie is filing her nails while grinding her boot into JT's butt.
JT: Owww...
Hazel: How long are you going to do that?
Ellie: I dunno. I'll probably get bored in a few minutes.
Hazel: Want to just go get a cup of tea at that diner over there?
Ellie: Okay. Don't go anywhere JT.
JT: Very funny.
Ellie takes off one of her armsocks and stuffs it into JT's mouth, and seals it off with duct tape.
Ellie: I'm feeling so good, I'm going to have toast too!
Hazel: Toast is the best food on earth.
Ellie: It really is.
They go in the diner.
Dylan: So what kind of distraction did you have Marco and Jimmy work up?
Craig: You know, I told them just to use their imagination.
Marco and Jimmy drive by on a tractor that is largely on fire, screaming obscenities.
Craig: That'll do nicely.
At the funeral:
Joey: Wheeelsh. Let's play that song we used used ta play!
Wheels: I'm afraid you are too intoxicated to play, plus it'll probably break the mood if we rock the house. We're kinda mourning your daughter here.
Joey: MORE ROCK! LESS TALK! THE SEX SHOW WITH DR. SALLY!
Snake: Stop being such a pussy Wheels. You haven't been any fun since you killed that kid.
Wheels: You're right. 1234!
The Zit Remedy:
Everybody wants something to get into gear!
Everybody needs something to get into gear!
Everybody wants something to get into gear!
The one and only... the Zits are here!
AND NEVER GIVE UP!
Wheels: Dude, we're rusty.
Joey: Do we know any other songs?
Craig's Astral Projection: I know a so...
Joey: Your song blew.
Craig's Astral Projection: Oh.
Joey: This one's called "Dead Daughter" 1234!
Joey:
My daughter died today
Or was it three days ago
Does it matter anyway?
Because she got Clauded by a bus
But I remember the good times
The happy smiles we shared
And then I remember...
I had sex with Tessa Campenelli!
Then she had an abortion!
I had sex with Caitlin Ryan
And then she felt used!
I had sex with some other woman!
And then my stupid daughter died!
I had sex with that ugly woman!
and then I had sex with Caitlin again!
Caitlin: What?
Joey: AND NEVER GIVE UP!
Caitlin: YAY!
Spike: Emma, you look so nice and not pregnant! And Manny, you look significantly less hoochied.
Manny: Thank you ma'am.
Spike: Aww, adorable!
Emma: Why is Archie playing Yngwie Malmsteen's guitar?
Spike: Make-a-Wish can be pretty awesome sometimes.
Yngwie: Furdy furdy furdy furdy. Cook da burdy in da ov... OH NO durdy murdy Guitar shtolez!
Spike: Well, since you girls were so nice to come by and check on everyone, why don't you go get some pizza or something. Here's twenty bucks.
Emma: Umm, but we just got here.
Spike: Emma, I need you to take care of Jack for me, and not see what goes on in yon thicket.
Emma: But I want to have cocktail weenies!
Spike: EMMA, YOU START LEAVING [b]RIGHT NOW![/b]
Emma: Oh, okay.
Spike: Aww, that's better. Make sure to get a sitter for Jack, or something.
Emma: We will.
Manny: So, are we going to babysit Jack?
Emma: No way, that'd hella suck.
Manny: Did you just say hella?
Emma: Word.
Manny: Who are we going to get to sit Jack?
Emma: I've got a friend. Lend me your Cell Phone. Dad?
Shane: (on phone) Emma! You called! I drew pretty picture for you!
Emma: That's great Dad! I need a favor!
Shane: Anything for Emma! You were cute as a lil' baby!
Emma: ...y'see that's just the problem! I turned into a baby again, and I need you to take care of me. You remember where my house is?
Shane: Yuh-huh! I'll be there in an hour! I take care of baby Emma!
Emma: Thanks Dad! I love you!
Shane: I make pancakes!
Emma: See how easy that was?
Manny: You're an irresponsible bitch. I love you.
Emma: Hold that thought.
Manny: How long? Thinking hurts!
Emma: Until the next time our storyline comes up.
Manny: Oh poo.
In Stoufville, at the asylum:
Shane: I go find Emma, She's little!
Nurse: I can't let you escape again without a fight.
Shane: Okay! You're a dumb jerk! You should be kicked in the head!
Nurse: Owwww.
Shane: I go to Toronto! Field Trip! Yay!
Craig: Hey Shane, do you want to come to Toronto and see Emma?
Shane: I am going already!
Craig: That was easy.
Shane: Get out of my way Julian Casablanca!
Craig: Wha?
Shane: You keep me from lil' Emma! Shane smash!
Craig: Ahhh! My complexion!
Dylan: Doubleyou Tee Eff was that?
Craig: Shut up. We're going home. I need a shower and a new intentionally frayed leather jacket.
Dylan: What about the new guy? And where the hell are Jimmy and Marco?
Jimmy: Yeeeeeeeeee-hawwwww!
Marco: I think the tractor's mostly burnt, dude.
Jimmy: Awww. Let's jump off, dramatically!
Marco: Can I do it any other way?
Jimmy: Just jump.
Marco: Fine!
Degrassi: 90% Flaming Tractors 10% Drama 100% Intense
Marco: Cool graphic.
Jimmy: Let's just get back to the diner.
Spinner: I have never had so many eggs in my life! It's eggstravagant!
Paige: You've been making bad egg puns all day. Give it a rest.
Spinner: Sorry. Spinner had eggs.
Paige: I know you did.
Hazel: Wow, we truly formed a great friendship today. I thought nobody would ever understand me like you do.
Ellie: I know the feeling.
Hazel: Your poetry touched me in so many ways, once you got past the first couple of them.
Ellie: And you have got to show me those sculptures you told me about. You're so much deeper than anyone makes you out to be.
Hazel: It's an act. I blend in, you stick out. Opposite reactions to a similar concern.
Ellie: Yeah. Yin and Yang harmonizing and finding part of themselves within the other.
Paige: What are you guys chatting so quietly about?
Ellie and Hazel: Boys.
Paige: Carry on!
Hazel: She's such a dumbass.
Ellie: a bit.
Craig: C'mon guys, we've got to go. We're all going to pile in the Convertable for the ride home.
Paige: First, Dylan, you are so dead. Second, we can't all fit in there. And we're not leaving Spinner behind like all those other times.
Spinner: But you said you were going to get me a puppy!
Paige: Spin, shut up.
Spinner: Yes ma'am.
Craig: Let's just go already. Marco's been making cafe latte jokes the whole way over.
Dylan: Hey Craig, where's you car?
Craig: It's just out front.
Jimmy: No, it's not.
Shane: I WANNA KNOW WHAT LOVE IS! I WANT YOU TA SHOWWWW ME!!!!! GO VRROOOOM VRROOOOM MACHINE! SHANE HELP LITTLE EMMA!
Craig: I hate my life.
Ellie: Join the club.
Dylan: Come on, the body shop won't have my car fixed for a few days. Let's just grab the next train.
Craig: I hate trains.
Ellie: Now that's just being whiny and self-absorbed.
Everyone Else: ...
Ellie: What? Why are you all staring like that?
In Rick's Basement:
Rick: Do you find me sadistic?
Rick: I bet I could fry an egg on your forehead right now, if I wanted to.
Rick: No Ter, I'd like to believe that even now you're aware enough to know that there isn't a trace of sadism in my actions. Well, maybe to those other jokers but not to you. No, Ter. At this moment, this is me at my most masochistic.
Terri: Rick, it's your bab--
"The Second Fanfic by The Polisher"
On the train:
Kendra: Hey, Liberty?
Liberty: Yeah?
Kendra: You know how you thought that JT was in Stoufville?
Liberty: Yep.
Kendra: Did you also know that he would be hog tied with duct tape and evidently beaten down?
Toby: I highly doubt that she--
Liberty: More or less. I thought that Ellie would have used her armsocks, but they work well as an impromptu gag.
Toby: Jol?
At the station:
Kendra: Spinner, what the hell is everyone doing here, why is JT tied up like that? Why the hell does Jimmy smell like gasoline? Why is Craig crying?
Dylan: I guess we should have bumped our storylines more.
Spinner: We'll tell you on the ride back. It's pretty funny. I had so many eggs, and I didn't even fart!
Paige: Look, it's difficult to understand, you see it all started yesterday when Craig said to me...
Meanwhile, in Toronto:
Shane: Baby Emma! I'm home!
You stinkied your pants! Oh no! Don't worry, daddy does that too! It's our secret. I change your underoos! Superman, yay! Wait? Huh? Huh? Emma, you're not a girl anymore! I remember your mom. She was a girl, and she had differents! You're not Emma! You're a impostinator! Where's Emma? Where's Emma? YOU TELL ME! YOU BAD BABY! BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM!
Shane: I am gonna extract the whereabouts of Emma from you, Impostinator! Like Columbo! Yay Columbo! You're gonna talk!
Shane: This is what they do to me when I steal puddings! Puddings, yay! Wait. Maybe this is the wrong house. I g-g-g-g-g-gets confused easy! I'll go check!
Shane: No! We're here! Yay!
Meanwhile, at the Funeral Parlor:
Wheels: Joey, you're the king. Walk around the reception hall naked again!
Joey: Allright! I'm gonna strip! I'm gonna take off my clothes, I'm gonna strip!
Spike: That's an odd time for a power surge.
Snake: Do you smell bacon several blocks away?
Spike: Come to think of it, yes. From roughly the direction of our house.
Snake: It's probably nothing. I bet Manny likes pig on her 'za.
Heather: Hey, I wonder where Clutch went?
Clutch: I'm right here.
Heather: What was the driving down the highway all mysteriously-like thing about?
Clutch: We were out of chips.
Lucy: Yay! Chips!
Heather: Oh. [i]Phew.[/i]
Clutch: Trust me, no subplots here.
In Sean's Car:
Sean: I have a car? Awesome! I guess I like, built it with all of my leet knowledge. Word.
Chris: So what are we doing?
Manny: I don't know, it was Emma's idea
Emma: Hey, I know, we could...
At the scene of the accident:
"Terri": Are you guys alright?
Emma: Yeah. I think so. Everyone cool?
Sean: My car! It's broke!
Chris: Broken.
Sean: SHUT UP! I PUNCH YOU!
Chris: Shut up, the Sean.
Sean: Don't start with that...
"Terri": Look, here's a briefcase with fifty thousand dollars in it. That should get you guys a bompin' new ride!
Sean: Thanks! Hey, what about this compound fracture on my arm? It kinda hurts.
"Terri": Oh, that looks... delicious.
Manny: Are you okay Terri? You're sounding kinda husky. Are you feeling sick?
"Terri": Oh yes. Cough cough, you know? Heh, well I have to go to the hospital, because I have throat cancer. I probably won't make it so I'll never see you again. Goodbye!
<"terri" gets in "her" van and drives off.>
Chris: What a nice girl.
Emma: I hope she pulls through. She sounded worse than Archie, and she left a bloody trail.
Manny: Poor girl.
Sean: Yeah, whatever. Ahh. Okay, let me just get my welding tools out of what's left of the trunk. I'll cauterize this and then we'll go get a tricked out ride! With twenty stickers!
Emma: Will that even work?
Sean: Oh yeah. The stickers reduce drag.
Emma: No, your arm.
Sean: Probably.
Meanwhile, in the lumbering, slightly damaged Van:
Rick: [i]Phew.[/i] Hello? ... Yeah. I've got them... I've never had anyone buy so many bones before. I'm stuffed. I need to stop for some rolaids and I'll be right over.... yeah, ciao. Heh, get it? Chow? I'll shut up.
At Spike and Snake's Love Shack:
Shane: Emma gone, impostor here. Impostor gone, find baby Emma! Who has a lot of babies? Manny! I go find Manny! Car broked! I run fast to Degrassi! Shane Aeroplane! Vrooom! Woosh!
On the train:
Liberty: So JT, I can't help but notice you're entirely helpless, all tied up and such.
JT: mmmmmMMMMMMmmmMMMMMmmMMMMMMMM
Liberty: It's a shame you can't talk. I'd remove that sock from your mouth, if you would let me tell you a secret.
JT: MMMMM-HMMMM!
Liberty: I yiff.
JT: OOOOOOOO????
Liberty: Verily.
JT: Heee heee heee! I think tonight's dance just became a costume party!
In another part of the train:
Craig: So dead. Joey will kill me. So dead.
Ellie: Hazel, is it just me, or is Craig getting hotter the more hopeless he is?
Hazel: Just you. It's your schtick. Go break yourself off a piece.
Ellie: I kinda do the shy, unrequited thing.
Hazel: Well, we could always just sit and watch Marco and Dylan make out.
Marco: We're not making out.
Dylan: Pfft. We're not for show, ho.
Ellie: Well, they certainly showed you.
Hazel: Yeah. Kinda.
Dylan: That was odd. Anyway, the thing is about Bertuzzi, is that he totally was sorry about it.
Marco: I know! I saw him apologize, and that was sooo sweet, but Hockey is so violent! I worry about you!
Dylan: Nah, you know I can handle myself. Anyway, now Dave Andreychuck, he was a Man's Man.
Marco: Can we not talk about hockey?
Dylan: Sure! Okay, so I can't believe the 'Spos traded Vlad! I mean, the league is totally screwing them over.
Marco: Sigh.
Spinner: I love you more!
Paige: I love you more!
Spinner: I love you more!
Paige: I love you more!
Spinner: I love you more!
Paige: I love you more!
Spinner: I love you more!
Paige: I love you more!
Jimmy: Jimmy, they're all staring at you. Jimmy, they're all staring at you, at your riches. They must be protected. Protected by flames. Yes, that's the way.
Kendra86: LoL! ROTFLMAO!
VIrUz_hUnT: 2 kewl!
Kendra86: dese N-Gagez r0xx0r mah b0xx0rs!
VIrUz_hUnT: werd. wanna go make out in a bathroom?
Kendra86: STUFU! my BRO is here!
VIrUz_hUnT: cyber?
Kendra86: kekekekekekekekekeke! Zerg Rush!
Evil craig: Just tell him Spinner carjacked you!
Good craig: I'm with him. Since when did you have a wussy good side? You're a rock star. Now steal Jimmy's iPod. Steal it now, and plant it on Spinner.
Whiney craig: What the hell do you guys have against Spinner? He's okay, I guess. Joey is going to kill us.
Evil craig: Yeah, be real whiney when I crack you with a pipe!
Good craig: Aw snap!
Rick: Then methought the air grew denser. But Terri's in the basement. And the tummy. Heee heee. What is this presence? It's so cold...
Rick, get a freakin' hold of yourself. You're a serial murderer, you eat people! You can handle this. Oh, great. You're talking to yourself. How long has this shark been going on? Flan. Flan this, I'm getting outta here. This is getting too flanning creepy.
Voice: You're not going anywhere.
Rick: That voice!
Voice: Come on now... you know our arrangement. Tsk tsk.
Rick: What's your angle?
Voice: Are the bones there?
Rick: Yeah. 206 pearly whites.
Voice: Splendid. Your purpose has been served.
Rick: Ashley, before you kill me, I want you to know something.
Ashley: What is it?
Rick: They're Terri's bones. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ashley: So? She wasn't necessary.
Rick: Wha?
Ashley: All I needed was for you to show up here, for my ultimate master plan to be complete. You see...
Meanwhile, at 5,000 meters:
Clutch: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Ashley: ...and then when the Van runs out of Gas, I should be in exotic downtown stoufvi...
At 2,000 meters:
Clutch: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Ashley: ... so then, after Jimmy is hypnotized and Spinner dies of a heart attack from eating too many eg...
1,000 meters:
Clutch: AHHHHHHHHH!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Ashley: ...and then when I'm crowned queen of whatever dance is tonight... holy crap, what is that?
Clutch: Awesome!
Meanwhile, on the train home from Stoufville:
Liberty: Woah! Did you see that?
JT: I think I'm blind.
Liberty: Not that! Jerk. I mean that Clutch shaped bird that smashed into that Van that apparently had a leaky fuel tank from an accident it was in earlier and a body made out of crackerjacks.
JT: Smooth move.
Liberty: Indeed.
JT: You think anyone else saw?
Liberty: Uh... they're a little self-absorbed for that.
JT: Good point.
In the passenger car:
Ellie: I'll do anything sexual.
Craig: So dead.
Paige: Now you're just taking lines from The Breakfast Club.
Craig: So dead. Joey will kill me.
Spinner: I wonder what happened to Sully?
In Vancouver:
Sully: AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! GOTTA FIND PANTS, PANTS THAT FIT! GOTTA FIND SOME REALLY GOOD PANTS! AH! AH!
Cashier: Hi, welcome to...
Shane: HI! HOW ARE YOU?
Cashier: Uh... I'm good, thanks.
Shane: My name is Shane an' I'm lookin' for Baby Emma.
Cashier: That's nice. So wha...
Shane: Shane McKay! See?
Cashier: How about one of our new Big Harvs?
Shane: NOT BIG HARV! LITTLE EMMA! GRRR! YOU ARE A DUMB JERK! Emma are you on the radio? Emma? Woah! Music Rock Concert! Hello Toronto! Hello Big Harv! This one's called uh... LITTLE EMMA! 1234! LITTLE EMMA! LITTLE EMMA! LOOKIN FOR LITTLE EMMA! LOOKIN SO HARD!!
Cashier: I hate my life.
Shane: Do you have any Emma?
Cashier: No.
Shane: Are you sure?
Cashier: Pretty sure.
Shane:
Then what is that, liar! Liar! I'm telling!
Cashier: That's a cash register.
Shane: Emma! I'm going to save you!
Cashier: Oh great...
Assistant Manager Brave Fox: No, Cashier. Let him go. He walks a path far braver than either of us can.
Cashier: I so quit.
Assistant Manager Brave Fox: Your spirit is weak. The great spirit tells us that it is the noble eagle that flies through the sky while the badger must... did that guy just throw his wrapper out his window?
Clutch: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Clutch: I think I just invented a new sport! Take that, Dr. James Naismith, inventor of Basketball!
Dr. James Naismith: Dude...
Friederich Schiller: Schoene Verriegelung, "Blanco Niño," Sie wurden vor kurzem angepaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaackt.
Sidestory: Spinner kicked Paige in the Vagina
Waylon Jennings as "The Balladeer": One bright morning in Toronto, a great shouting was heard from Degrassi Community School. It turns out that ol' Paige Michaelsomething was unfaithful to her beau, Gavin "Spinner" Spinnerton. Well, ol' Spin didn't much care for that kind of treatment, 'specially 'cause the offending Romeo was none other than James Tiberius Yorke, a local rapscallion carpetbagger and a Trotskyist wrecker. Ol' Spin got powerful upset, and he kicked Paige in her vagina until it was a useless mound of oatmeal, and Paige was thusly made infertile. Ol' Spin got taken off to the county klink by Sherrif (Radio Free) Roscoe and Deputy Enos, Daisy made a huckleberry pie that couldn't be beat, and Bo and Luke blew up an outhouse, soiling both Boss and Mrs. Lulu Hogg, wearing their sunday finery.
Sidestory: Manny's problem.
A Side-Fanfic Series.
Waylon: One bright morning in Toronto, a powerful cussin' was a-heard from Craig's basement. Turns out he had gotten that spanish girl in the family way, and he wanted to find a way out of havin' to claim for the young'un. So he called up Crazy Cooter, and he brought over his bag o' tools, and they went to work on the expectin' missy quicker than the Genr'l Lee can jump ten moving trains. After they were done, Cooter's coveralls were powerful soiled and he looked like he'd run through one of them midnight horror movies they done showed at the ol' moviehouse 'til it burned down in the great fire of '79. Mmmmm-hmmm. Manny healed up nice and right, but her goods became a useless pile of oatmeal. She offered Cooter what little money she had for his services, but Cooter wouldn't have none of it. He reckoned he was young once too, and so he refused payment on services rendered. Daisy cooked them all a beautiful suckling pig from Uncle Jesse's sty, and they topped the night off by blowing up an outhouse that them thar city slickers from Atlanta were occupying, making them think twice before foreclosing on the Duke family farm. Dadgum if those swank types don't ever learn, do they?
Sidestory: Spinner's Issues
Waylon: I reckon it was a few months ago I heard this story about that Spinner kid having uncontrolable well, shucks folks, I don't embarrass easy, but... let's just say he pitched enough tents for him to open his own campgrounds. Anyway, it was about that time that spinner was arising to every occassion that Boss Hogg done tried a dirty trick on the Duke boys, by planting bags of gold in their ride, making it seem like they done robbed the Hazzard Savings and Loan. Now, I know Bo and Luke better than anyone, even their French doppelgangers Beau and Luc. So anyway, Spinner was walking around with a serious Bugs Bunny carrot and he wasn't paying attention to where he was walking, so he accidentally bumped into Boss Hogg while he leaned into the Duke boys' car. Well, I can tell you that mean Mr. Hogg had some explaining to do to the missus after that day, and it was a long time before he could straddle a stool at the old Boar's Nest if you follow my meaning. Oh, and Bo and Luc blew up an outhouse in celebration, and Uncle Jesse had a fine Pot Roast cooked by that little slice of heaven Daisy. I reckon she cooks on two stoves if you catch my meaning. Wait, what did that mean?