It's one of those nights. . .
I feel like someone "stole my fucking cloudsong," as the classic internet line goes. Yet I don't believe I feel that way for why I should. Tomorrow, dad and I fly to Ohio to meet up with my mother, so that we can officially wish her mother a safe journey through life after death. For that alone, I should feel shitty. And it's possible, albeit I don't really believe it, that I'm feeling some level of downness from finally beginning this actual event (considering that the death occurred about two weeks ago). At this point in my life, its merely acceptable loss, just as everyone has become. No one stays around. People flow in and out of one's life. If we let it destroy us, we stand no way of surviving.
So why am I down? Perhaps part of it is exhaustion, but I suspect that I finally let my guard down long enough for depression to catch me. I feel empty. The things I feel I need, I don't feel I'm getting. And I'm uncertain as to what I think of certain friends currently (I'm not talking of any of you. Trust me on that, I'm certain that you specifically don't have to worry). So where does that place me?
There are three or four girls that I had the chance to grow deeply close to, deeply attached to, or in love with. And tonight, more than any night I can recall in months, I feel as though I need one of them to talk to. If anybody could put me at ease, with any technique, it'd be a late night phone conversation with one of them. I'm pretty sure, however, given how life has handled my connection to each of them, that either none of them are available, care, or would understand/know what to say.
Like a cycle (endless by nature), the fact that I don't really have any of their help only leaves me feeling more alienated from the world. Which in turn makes me feel I need one of them all the more.
Ultimately, it won't matter. Given a few minutes of peace, I think I can ignore the emotion. Block it out and lock it up. And just keep going. Is it healthy? Who cares. I am ruled by my actions, not some self inflicted childish pain. I will define who I am, and I will be secure within that, and if I must be, secure with that and nothing else.
I don't need the world, nor just about anybody in it. All I need is me.
So why am I down? Perhaps part of it is exhaustion, but I suspect that I finally let my guard down long enough for depression to catch me. I feel empty. The things I feel I need, I don't feel I'm getting. And I'm uncertain as to what I think of certain friends currently (I'm not talking of any of you. Trust me on that, I'm certain that you specifically don't have to worry). So where does that place me?
There are three or four girls that I had the chance to grow deeply close to, deeply attached to, or in love with. And tonight, more than any night I can recall in months, I feel as though I need one of them to talk to. If anybody could put me at ease, with any technique, it'd be a late night phone conversation with one of them. I'm pretty sure, however, given how life has handled my connection to each of them, that either none of them are available, care, or would understand/know what to say.
Like a cycle (endless by nature), the fact that I don't really have any of their help only leaves me feeling more alienated from the world. Which in turn makes me feel I need one of them all the more.
Ultimately, it won't matter. Given a few minutes of peace, I think I can ignore the emotion. Block it out and lock it up. And just keep going. Is it healthy? Who cares. I am ruled by my actions, not some self inflicted childish pain. I will define who I am, and I will be secure within that, and if I must be, secure with that and nothing else.
I don't need the world, nor just about anybody in it. All I need is me.