Advice from a Match Maker!
Because people have been asking me non-stop now on dating advice, since I work in the field, I thought I'd share some insight on how I look at dating:
I knew a guy - let’s call him Rob - who polled all of his friends to find out if the guy he was dating was hot. He was. He was also so insecure that he competed with every guy in his life (including his brother), and was rude to wait-staff. Had Rob asked us if his boyfriend was kind, thoughtful or fun most of us would answer with a resounding ‘not really!’
Over the 10 weeks or so that Rob and the hot (but not so cool) guy dated, I noticed that he rarely spoke about how he felt about his boyfriend. Rather, he said things like, “You should see the way other guys look at him! He’s nice to walk into a party with…” One day I responded, “Do you like him as much when he walks into your house? Are you into him and do you respect him when nobody else is looking?” I believe this is a question each of us should ask ourselves with the person we are dating if we are looking for a long-term commitment as my friend Rob was. After all, most of our lives with someone exist inside those walls. Rob nodded but his reaction made it obvious that this guy would not be his future husband.
So many of us use pre-determined checklists when dating that have little to do with our big picture goals or with what will make us genuinely happy with another person. In dating, and in life for that matter, we must learn to differentiate between immediate gratification and long-term fulfillment. We must pay more attention to how we feel than what other people may think.
It’s certainly important to be attracted to the person you are with; but don’t let that overshadow your better judgment about how they may be a few months or years from now as your partner.
I don’t believe you should settle when you settle down, but I do believe that you should devise checklists that more accurately reflect your values - - with what is truly important to you, rather than following a list full of superficial criteria. For this reason, I have devised a few new ‘love-lists’ that may help you determine whether someone feels like a match - or not:
1) Record five qualities that you ‘must have’ and five qualities that you ‘can’t stand’ in a potential mate. You are entitled to some superficial deal-breakers, of course, but by choosing only 10 qualities, you are more likely to focus you on what is truly important to you.
2) Consider my four essential ingredients to a successful relationship: Is your mate a good partner, lover, companion and friend? It’s not enough to find a good friend if you don’t want to be with them in the bedroom, and you won’t be satisfied marrying a great lover if they are terrible partner.
3) I know you like them- - but do you like who you are with them? Do they bring out the best in you? Do they challenge you without trying to change you? These are the kind of questions that I believe each of us should ask before we pair off with one person.
I once heard someone say that he can’t describe the perfect mate just as he can’t describe a beautiful and inspiring piece of art before he sees it. In the end, it’s really not about adding things up neatly on paper. You are more likely to find dating success when you chose a connection over a checklist.
I knew a guy - let’s call him Rob - who polled all of his friends to find out if the guy he was dating was hot. He was. He was also so insecure that he competed with every guy in his life (including his brother), and was rude to wait-staff. Had Rob asked us if his boyfriend was kind, thoughtful or fun most of us would answer with a resounding ‘not really!’
Over the 10 weeks or so that Rob and the hot (but not so cool) guy dated, I noticed that he rarely spoke about how he felt about his boyfriend. Rather, he said things like, “You should see the way other guys look at him! He’s nice to walk into a party with…” One day I responded, “Do you like him as much when he walks into your house? Are you into him and do you respect him when nobody else is looking?” I believe this is a question each of us should ask ourselves with the person we are dating if we are looking for a long-term commitment as my friend Rob was. After all, most of our lives with someone exist inside those walls. Rob nodded but his reaction made it obvious that this guy would not be his future husband.
So many of us use pre-determined checklists when dating that have little to do with our big picture goals or with what will make us genuinely happy with another person. In dating, and in life for that matter, we must learn to differentiate between immediate gratification and long-term fulfillment. We must pay more attention to how we feel than what other people may think.
It’s certainly important to be attracted to the person you are with; but don’t let that overshadow your better judgment about how they may be a few months or years from now as your partner.
I don’t believe you should settle when you settle down, but I do believe that you should devise checklists that more accurately reflect your values - - with what is truly important to you, rather than following a list full of superficial criteria. For this reason, I have devised a few new ‘love-lists’ that may help you determine whether someone feels like a match - or not:
1) Record five qualities that you ‘must have’ and five qualities that you ‘can’t stand’ in a potential mate. You are entitled to some superficial deal-breakers, of course, but by choosing only 10 qualities, you are more likely to focus you on what is truly important to you.
2) Consider my four essential ingredients to a successful relationship: Is your mate a good partner, lover, companion and friend? It’s not enough to find a good friend if you don’t want to be with them in the bedroom, and you won’t be satisfied marrying a great lover if they are terrible partner.
3) I know you like them- - but do you like who you are with them? Do they bring out the best in you? Do they challenge you without trying to change you? These are the kind of questions that I believe each of us should ask before we pair off with one person.
I once heard someone say that he can’t describe the perfect mate just as he can’t describe a beautiful and inspiring piece of art before he sees it. In the end, it’s really not about adding things up neatly on paper. You are more likely to find dating success when you chose a connection over a checklist.