(no subject)
sometimes i just feel so alone. i dont know why it hits more at certain times than others, but i do.
i have no one. i mean i have some really good friends, but theyre either in a different fucking city
or have completely other priorities. i have no one to be there when i wanna go out or when i wanna just hang out. and i always feel like the sister to all my brothers friends. im always "tys sister". i feel like such a fucking tag along, like no one really wants me to be there and then the only time they do care is because i can take them somewhere or whatever. i hate feeling this way. i really fucking hate it.
i have so much to offer, is it fair that i never get anything back. no one ever just wants to be with me. and im not only talking about romantically or whatever. i feel so fucking alone. and i dont want to feel this way anymore. i dont have anywhere to belong and its not fair. im so tired of being the one thats left out or used for my resources. just about everyone does it. what the fuck. i guess im just destined to be alone for the rest of my fucking life. i must really fucking suck to have no one like me. and i know its stupid to be concerned about what everyone else thinks, and its not so much that as it is that i desperatly desire some kind of companionship. and i have nothing. ashley has joel, and candy does her thing, ciara has her man, ninas got college and robert and everything in tallahasse, rachel has school and danny and sorority stuff and all her friends, and amandas got her kids and peeps in witerhaven, tys got all his friends, and all my friends from high school are gone; navy, coast guard, school in other states and shit. why am i left all alone. its not so bad to feel alone as it is to feel lonely and i feel really lonely. i just feel so lonely. and i feel so angry that life dealt me this hand. now i have no regrets and i love my son more than anything in the world, but i just want someone to love me, and no one loves me. they just dont. so here i sit feeling like the most undesirable being in the fucking world and like i cant make it on my own. i feel like im drowning in my own misery and lack of ability. i cant fucking stand it anymore. it really makes me feel like just going away somewhere where i can have things my way. if i have to be alone, than i might as well just go and be alone by choice. and that fucks me up even more because i cant even do that. im in absolutely no situation to do anything i want. im a failure at life. i have no money, i still have to live at home, i have a 2 year old, and i have no companionship. i can go on and on about how much i hate this shit and its not going to get any better. I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO LOVE ME. TO LOVE ME FOR ME. AND ALL ABOUT ME. EVEYTHING ABOUT ME. NOT JUST SOME THING, LIKE MY CAR, OR WHATEVER.
and then when people read this theyre gonna think that i dont wanna do things for them and theyll never call again. and i do want to do things for people. i love being real and being generous and sharing what i have to offer with others because thats how its supposed to be, but damn, when is it my turn. i dont think it will ever be. i will just keep giving and giving until theres nothing left as i whittle away into a pit of emptyness and loneliness with nothing else to give.
i have no one. i mean i have some really good friends, but theyre either in a different fucking city
or have completely other priorities. i have no one to be there when i wanna go out or when i wanna just hang out. and i always feel like the sister to all my brothers friends. im always "tys sister". i feel like such a fucking tag along, like no one really wants me to be there and then the only time they do care is because i can take them somewhere or whatever. i hate feeling this way. i really fucking hate it.
i have so much to offer, is it fair that i never get anything back. no one ever just wants to be with me. and im not only talking about romantically or whatever. i feel so fucking alone. and i dont want to feel this way anymore. i dont have anywhere to belong and its not fair. im so tired of being the one thats left out or used for my resources. just about everyone does it. what the fuck. i guess im just destined to be alone for the rest of my fucking life. i must really fucking suck to have no one like me. and i know its stupid to be concerned about what everyone else thinks, and its not so much that as it is that i desperatly desire some kind of companionship. and i have nothing. ashley has joel, and candy does her thing, ciara has her man, ninas got college and robert and everything in tallahasse, rachel has school and danny and sorority stuff and all her friends, and amandas got her kids and peeps in witerhaven, tys got all his friends, and all my friends from high school are gone; navy, coast guard, school in other states and shit. why am i left all alone. its not so bad to feel alone as it is to feel lonely and i feel really lonely. i just feel so lonely. and i feel so angry that life dealt me this hand. now i have no regrets and i love my son more than anything in the world, but i just want someone to love me, and no one loves me. they just dont. so here i sit feeling like the most undesirable being in the fucking world and like i cant make it on my own. i feel like im drowning in my own misery and lack of ability. i cant fucking stand it anymore. it really makes me feel like just going away somewhere where i can have things my way. if i have to be alone, than i might as well just go and be alone by choice. and that fucks me up even more because i cant even do that. im in absolutely no situation to do anything i want. im a failure at life. i have no money, i still have to live at home, i have a 2 year old, and i have no companionship. i can go on and on about how much i hate this shit and its not going to get any better. I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO LOVE ME. TO LOVE ME FOR ME. AND ALL ABOUT ME. EVEYTHING ABOUT ME. NOT JUST SOME THING, LIKE MY CAR, OR WHATEVER.
and then when people read this theyre gonna think that i dont wanna do things for them and theyll never call again. and i do want to do things for people. i love being real and being generous and sharing what i have to offer with others because thats how its supposed to be, but damn, when is it my turn. i dont think it will ever be. i will just keep giving and giving until theres nothing left as i whittle away into a pit of emptyness and loneliness with nothing else to give.