and the horse you rode in on
Don't read if you're just going to lecture me about complaining or being negative.
God I just hate.
I'm pmsing or something. I never feel motivated to do anything (but that's a constant) and I hate myself because of it. I feel really depressed and down lately because I feel like I'm not getting anywhere and every time I mess up it's like my parents have a new reason to say "I told you so" about me never amounting to stuff at life because I'm so damned lazy. I don't know I can't help it. I can't focus on things that don't interest me or sound boring, or things that I'm afraid I'll fail at.
I'm going to fucking fail spanish because my teacher doesn't like me and I can't speak the language at all. I never learned how to study so I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing and nothing makes sense at all. And then I'm going to fail Anthropology because the class just isn't fun and interesting anymore and we do pointless work that has nothing to do with the class and takes so long to do and I don't have the motivation to do it.
And when I fail my parents are just gonna be there to say I told you so and freak out at me and my GPA will be too low to get the right scholarships or get into the college I want to transfer to and I hate it I hate it I hate it.
I just want to drop out and not do anything except curl up under my desk and just stay there for the next fifty years or so. I don't ever feel like threading anymore and I can't write or do anything creative. Sometimes I just want something BIG to happen so I have an excuse for why I'm such a fuck up right now but nothing's going to happen and I'll just sit here doing nothing because that's all I can fucking do.
I want to move back into the dorms because I want to get away from my house but all my friends there have moved on to new things and other stuff and I'd just go back to being the awkward outsider girl who doesn't really talk to anyone. When the hell did I become so damn anti-social. I have this new found fear of fucking everything up and this crippling indifference when I realize I am fucking shit up. I'm still going through one of those periods of self-doubt and wonder if I'm even supposed to be doing what I'm doing and terrified that I won't figure out what I'm supposed to do in time and I'll have missed the opportunity and then what live some pointless life from day to day for the rest of my life?
I haven't had a good, real hug in a long time. I just want someone physically here right next to me to talk to. I feel really alone and have for awhile and it's crippling in a lot of ways.
I wish something would happen.
The scary part is I've actually considered not taking my epilepsy medication for awhile and just be careful about not driving around for awhile because then I'd have a seizure and maybe someone in my life here would finally listen to me or actually ask me if something is wrong or actually care about what I do day to day. But I've already heard the lecture from my mom about how I'm fucking up the family with medical bills because I have so many fucking problems with my health and she doesn't want to deal with me because of it so it would probably just make things a lot worse.
Which is really depressing that if I had a seizure she'd just be angry at me whether or not she knew I purposefully did it and that just makes me feel worse.
I want to talk to someone here because I don't want this to get worse because I swear I'm going to break down but it just makes me feel more depressed when I realize
I have no one here I can really talk to that could do anything. No one. At all.
God I just hate.
I'm pmsing or something. I never feel motivated to do anything (but that's a constant) and I hate myself because of it. I feel really depressed and down lately because I feel like I'm not getting anywhere and every time I mess up it's like my parents have a new reason to say "I told you so" about me never amounting to stuff at life because I'm so damned lazy. I don't know I can't help it. I can't focus on things that don't interest me or sound boring, or things that I'm afraid I'll fail at.
I'm going to fucking fail spanish because my teacher doesn't like me and I can't speak the language at all. I never learned how to study so I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing and nothing makes sense at all. And then I'm going to fail Anthropology because the class just isn't fun and interesting anymore and we do pointless work that has nothing to do with the class and takes so long to do and I don't have the motivation to do it.
And when I fail my parents are just gonna be there to say I told you so and freak out at me and my GPA will be too low to get the right scholarships or get into the college I want to transfer to and I hate it I hate it I hate it.
I just want to drop out and not do anything except curl up under my desk and just stay there for the next fifty years or so. I don't ever feel like threading anymore and I can't write or do anything creative. Sometimes I just want something BIG to happen so I have an excuse for why I'm such a fuck up right now but nothing's going to happen and I'll just sit here doing nothing because that's all I can fucking do.
I want to move back into the dorms because I want to get away from my house but all my friends there have moved on to new things and other stuff and I'd just go back to being the awkward outsider girl who doesn't really talk to anyone. When the hell did I become so damn anti-social. I have this new found fear of fucking everything up and this crippling indifference when I realize I am fucking shit up. I'm still going through one of those periods of self-doubt and wonder if I'm even supposed to be doing what I'm doing and terrified that I won't figure out what I'm supposed to do in time and I'll have missed the opportunity and then what live some pointless life from day to day for the rest of my life?
I haven't had a good, real hug in a long time. I just want someone physically here right next to me to talk to. I feel really alone and have for awhile and it's crippling in a lot of ways.
I wish something would happen.
The scary part is I've actually considered not taking my epilepsy medication for awhile and just be careful about not driving around for awhile because then I'd have a seizure and maybe someone in my life here would finally listen to me or actually ask me if something is wrong or actually care about what I do day to day. But I've already heard the lecture from my mom about how I'm fucking up the family with medical bills because I have so many fucking problems with my health and she doesn't want to deal with me because of it so it would probably just make things a lot worse.
Which is really depressing that if I had a seizure she'd just be angry at me whether or not she knew I purposefully did it and that just makes me feel worse.
I want to talk to someone here because I don't want this to get worse because I swear I'm going to break down but it just makes me feel more depressed when I realize
I have no one here I can really talk to that could do anything. No one. At all.