Micah E. Petersen (July 1, 1959 - January 23, 2008)
All I know is that he passed away this morning.
Micah - I met him in Seattle on September 22nd, 2001, the day after I moved there. We had "met" online and exchanged some emails before my moving. He ended up becoming my first boyfriend, and one of the few people in my life I wholly trust and love. He changed my life in profound ways.
He never was in a perfect health. He had epilepsy since childhood, and Hepatitis C for which he had a liver transplant on February 14th, 2005. I had forgotten that I wrote this lengthy account of the transplant, but reading it brought back the memory of how he looked post-op in the intensive care unit, and it even gave me the wrong impression that that is how he's going to look when I see him next : confined in bed with tubes all around him, but alive and well.
But you forget. I saw him make a miraculously speedy recovery after the transplant, and aside from 2 dozens of pills he had to take every day, he was just the man I knew before, only healthier. My mind was then preoccupied with my own business: graduation, moving to France, moving back to Tokyo, stressful work life, and I would forget to even send a word on his birthdays and anniversaries of his transplant (which I think of as his second birthday). Shocked and ashamed, the first thing I did when I bought this year's day planner was mark his 49th birthday and his 3rd "birthday".
2 days ago, I got an email from Craig, Micah's closest friend, saying that he was in ICU and that his liver and kidneys were shutting down. Scared and confused, I tried to call him but his number had changed and I could not get a hold of him.
The next day, in the email in which he gave me his cell number he wrote : "He is not expected to live more than a day or so. He is sedated and resting rather comfortably." I called, knowing it was about 5AM there, and he didn't pick up.
A lot of things went through my mind. "Am I sad? I probably should be, but I'm more lost. If he's still breathing, I shouldn't be mourning him, but what emotion am I supposed to be feeling? I want to take a flight to Seattle, but when should I leave and for how long? Helpless and homeless, would I not be causing more distress to the others? Is it selfish to be concerned about my own feelings? Is he alive? Is he dead?"
Being the coward I am, the instinct was to try to look away from the whole thing, but it was becoming increasingly difficult to not think about it. I picked up the phone and called Ellie, and talked to her for about an hour to sort things out.
Then I called Craig again. He picked up, and told me Micah passed away this morning, at around 6:30AM Seattle time. That's all he told me about the death, he said his battery was dying and had to go, and that we'd talk again in the evening. It was around 10AM I called, so he must have been still in shock himself, and had a lot of things to do. After we hung up, I realized that 6:30AM there was 11:30PM here, right around the time I was talking to Ellie about him.
As I was writing an email to Ellie to let her know of his passing, although I didn't and still don't know any detail of the last days of his life, tears flowed out of my eyes and it felt like I finally knew where to direct my emotions. I was sad. Sad that this incredible person that anyone would be lucky to know is no longer there. Sad that just two months ago when I stayed at his place for 6 days he kept talking about his ambitions in life and how he wanted to visit Japan and Thailand. He ordered an expensive camera online, saying that he wanted to take on photography which he loved in college. And it is so sad, and SO WRONG that he had to go before his mother. I've always thought that the biggest and the cruelest injustice is a child dying before his or her parents. And he had to do that.
I am going to call Craig again in a few hours, but I just wanted to organize these thoughts before I do so and that is why I wrote this entry. I will hear all about these last three days, and will ask him if it would be of any inconvenience to anyone if I came to Seattle. If the answer is no, I will take a flight to Seattle, a city which to me is instantly associated with Micah's face.
Micah - I met him in Seattle on September 22nd, 2001, the day after I moved there. We had "met" online and exchanged some emails before my moving. He ended up becoming my first boyfriend, and one of the few people in my life I wholly trust and love. He changed my life in profound ways.
He never was in a perfect health. He had epilepsy since childhood, and Hepatitis C for which he had a liver transplant on February 14th, 2005. I had forgotten that I wrote this lengthy account of the transplant, but reading it brought back the memory of how he looked post-op in the intensive care unit, and it even gave me the wrong impression that that is how he's going to look when I see him next : confined in bed with tubes all around him, but alive and well.
But you forget. I saw him make a miraculously speedy recovery after the transplant, and aside from 2 dozens of pills he had to take every day, he was just the man I knew before, only healthier. My mind was then preoccupied with my own business: graduation, moving to France, moving back to Tokyo, stressful work life, and I would forget to even send a word on his birthdays and anniversaries of his transplant (which I think of as his second birthday). Shocked and ashamed, the first thing I did when I bought this year's day planner was mark his 49th birthday and his 3rd "birthday".
2 days ago, I got an email from Craig, Micah's closest friend, saying that he was in ICU and that his liver and kidneys were shutting down. Scared and confused, I tried to call him but his number had changed and I could not get a hold of him.
The next day, in the email in which he gave me his cell number he wrote : "He is not expected to live more than a day or so. He is sedated and resting rather comfortably." I called, knowing it was about 5AM there, and he didn't pick up.
A lot of things went through my mind. "Am I sad? I probably should be, but I'm more lost. If he's still breathing, I shouldn't be mourning him, but what emotion am I supposed to be feeling? I want to take a flight to Seattle, but when should I leave and for how long? Helpless and homeless, would I not be causing more distress to the others? Is it selfish to be concerned about my own feelings? Is he alive? Is he dead?"
Being the coward I am, the instinct was to try to look away from the whole thing, but it was becoming increasingly difficult to not think about it. I picked up the phone and called Ellie, and talked to her for about an hour to sort things out.
Then I called Craig again. He picked up, and told me Micah passed away this morning, at around 6:30AM Seattle time. That's all he told me about the death, he said his battery was dying and had to go, and that we'd talk again in the evening. It was around 10AM I called, so he must have been still in shock himself, and had a lot of things to do. After we hung up, I realized that 6:30AM there was 11:30PM here, right around the time I was talking to Ellie about him.
As I was writing an email to Ellie to let her know of his passing, although I didn't and still don't know any detail of the last days of his life, tears flowed out of my eyes and it felt like I finally knew where to direct my emotions. I was sad. Sad that this incredible person that anyone would be lucky to know is no longer there. Sad that just two months ago when I stayed at his place for 6 days he kept talking about his ambitions in life and how he wanted to visit Japan and Thailand. He ordered an expensive camera online, saying that he wanted to take on photography which he loved in college. And it is so sad, and SO WRONG that he had to go before his mother. I've always thought that the biggest and the cruelest injustice is a child dying before his or her parents. And he had to do that.
I am going to call Craig again in a few hours, but I just wanted to organize these thoughts before I do so and that is why I wrote this entry. I will hear all about these last three days, and will ask him if it would be of any inconvenience to anyone if I came to Seattle. If the answer is no, I will take a flight to Seattle, a city which to me is instantly associated with Micah's face.