Unusable Past
I currently have this overwhelming feeling of despair and uselessness. I believe it is due to my state of unemployment unfortunately I don’t feel a sense of self worth if I’m not working full time and making a bit of money. My diminishing bank account doesn’t help either, as I’m sure the bills will not stop when my account runs dry. Every day I have a feeling that over takes any thought process. I can feel my face grow warmer and my eyes begin to dampen… yet I refuse to cry. For a couple of months I have wondered if I’m depressed. I have always thought of depression as a cop out. I have always told others if you are depressed than you are the only one that can fix the problem. But I will admit it is hard to define and prescribe a solution when you are in a constant state of panic. On top of unemployment I have yet to declare a major. Yes, that is right I have been attending DBCC for a little over 2 years. Yes, I am almost finished with a couple of electives to go. But I have no idea what University I would like to attend or if I can afford to go when I do decide. For me college is like jumping off of a giant platform and not knowing if there are giant piranhas at the bottom or a safety net. I am too scared to leap. I am afraid or both possibilities. Nonetheless the life changing steps I wanted to take a while ago aren’t going so well. Yes, I did quit the job that I hated for months and yes; I am spending more time on myself, trying to discover the real Sarah Vinall (pfft) I still find myself unhappy. I know there is more to life than this. I wonder if I’m the only one going through this mess.
I have been dreaming a lot about pregnancy lately. NOT MINE necessarily… but I have been having a lot of nurturing dreams. My sister is expecting and I have been waiting for years to hear this wonderful news. I think my dreams are putting into detail what kind of Aunt I want to be. If only we could quicken the pace of Mother Nature. 7 or so months to go and I don’t know if I can wait that long. I want to protect, love, and spoil this kid all I can.
I started to attend the local democratic meetings. Well last night was my first one and it was lets just say interesting. I was the youngest person there by at least 50 years. I shook the hand of a woman at the welcome table and was afraid that I might break her. Everyone argued about what they saw fit for discussion. I have hopes of attending the State convention if the election isn’t moved up. Florida must not be shafted again.
Well shit. That’s about all I’ve got to ramble about.
I have been dreaming a lot about pregnancy lately. NOT MINE necessarily… but I have been having a lot of nurturing dreams. My sister is expecting and I have been waiting for years to hear this wonderful news. I think my dreams are putting into detail what kind of Aunt I want to be. If only we could quicken the pace of Mother Nature. 7 or so months to go and I don’t know if I can wait that long. I want to protect, love, and spoil this kid all I can.
I started to attend the local democratic meetings. Well last night was my first one and it was lets just say interesting. I was the youngest person there by at least 50 years. I shook the hand of a woman at the welcome table and was afraid that I might break her. Everyone argued about what they saw fit for discussion. I have hopes of attending the State convention if the election isn’t moved up. Florida must not be shafted again.
Well shit. That’s about all I’ve got to ramble about.