any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental
I apologize to the friends I flaked out on last night. I had every intention of attending all the NYE parties I RSVP'ed to; but the mysterious powers of Numbers (and Shoo) held me captive until way after last call. (Yes, I spent NYE at #'s. Shit was free all night and if I don't have to spend any of my money, well, then that's where I'm gonna be! So bite me.) Sorry Lee & Brownlie, I promise to be more reliable in 2009.
Anywhooo, it seems as if almost every time I go to #'s something interesting happens to me. Last night was no exception!! First let me begin by admitting how I was not looking forward to celebrating NYE. AT ALL. The anxiety of not having anyone to kiss at midnight or even no prospects of having anyone to kiss at midnight was depressing. Plus if I wanted to get totally wasted off cheap champagne and pass out in a puddle of my own vomit - well, I could do that at home!! In fact, I have. But I digress.
Without further ado, here are the highlights (lowlights? is that even a word?) of my countdown to 2009 and beyond:
1. I'm standing in line at the bar with Shoo as Shoo was ordering our FREE drinks. This girl wearing only underwear, fishnets and a bra walked up to me and said," OMG, I love you! I just love you." To which I responded, "thanks." Then the girl grabs my right boob. But not only does she grab my boob outside my shirt, she then puts her hand INSIDE my shirt and INSIDE my bra and squeezes my right boob again. I play it cool by yelling for Shoo and we run away.
2. I guess I wasn't feeling the song that was playing cuz I was sitting on the steps. This guy sits down next to me and I committed the horrible mistake of looking over at him. He smiled and said, "Hi" then asked me to dance. The guy wasn't Rocky Dennis ugly so, what the hey. We're dancing and I'm keeping a considerable distance but he kept grabbing me and pulling me closer. I tell homeboy to chill the fuck out and he moves back a couple of steps. Then he began to untuck his shirt and unbutton it from the bottom up all rico suave like. In response to that move, I projectile vomitted all over his nasty ass hairy chest. Ok, I made up the last part about the projectile vomit...but that's what I felt like doing!! Instead I walked off the dance floor and went back to my spot on the stairs where I continued to sip on my FREE drink.
3. This anecdote isn't very interesting but I'm including it because I can. So #'s is closing and the house lights are on. I'm waiting for my party to assemble so we can split. As I'm waiting, this dude (whom Shoo & I spoke to briefly outside on the patio) walked up to me and kept repeating, "You are so sexy." DUH. TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW, STUPID! I'm so sexy I almost stayed home in my pajamas on NYE to watch the Food Network until I cried myself to sleep.
4. I saved the best for last. This tidbit needs a little background info to fully comprehend the hilarity. Maybe six months ago, some of my girls & I go to Friday night #'s to dance. Oh, and Orange Robert was there too and he can also verify this story. I'm on the dance floor dropping it like it's hot cuz you know how I do. I'm busting a move when I turn around and there is this girl all up on me. She came out of nowhere!!! The girl was cute and around my height so I dance with her. I was convinced she was on ecstasy or something cuz she kept bumping and grinding on me. The situation was getting a little too hot & heavy for me so I started looking around for my friends to rescue me. Of course, they were standing on the outskirts of the dance floor watching the entire scenario and laughing their asses off! I must have mouthed "HELP ME!" at least 50 times before one of 'em decided to grab me. So that was it. Me and this girl danced to maaaaaaaybe two songs. I didn't even know her name. Fast forward a week or so and it was brought to my attention that the girl posted a Missed Connection to me on Craigslist. I really wished I would have saved it cuz it was very flattering and sweet. But I never responded to it because I was convinced one of my friends wrote it. Of course they all deny it but you never know. Oh yeah, and I'm not gay...
Back to last night. Once again, I'm sitting on the stairs alone but on the opposite side of room. The Missed Connections girl walked up to me. I immediately recognized her and said, "Have I met you before?" She answered "yes" and asked me to dance. Once again, I threw all caution to the wind and said yes. What can I say? I try not to discriminate. We're dancing... correction... I'm dancing, she's grinding all over me... for about five minutes when her friends walked over and informed her they are ready to leave. She didn't want to go but she also didn't have a choice. I made small talk and hugged her good bye but I could barely say, "Have a happy new year" before she proceeded to grab me and shove her tongue down my throat! And her tongue stayed shoved down my throat for what felt like an hour but really it was only 45 seconds.
After a night like that I did what only a sane person would do. I went back to Shoo's apartment, stuffed my face full of cinnamon rolls and got high.
Anywhooo, it seems as if almost every time I go to #'s something interesting happens to me. Last night was no exception!! First let me begin by admitting how I was not looking forward to celebrating NYE. AT ALL. The anxiety of not having anyone to kiss at midnight or even no prospects of having anyone to kiss at midnight was depressing. Plus if I wanted to get totally wasted off cheap champagne and pass out in a puddle of my own vomit - well, I could do that at home!! In fact, I have. But I digress.
Without further ado, here are the highlights (lowlights? is that even a word?) of my countdown to 2009 and beyond:
1. I'm standing in line at the bar with Shoo as Shoo was ordering our FREE drinks. This girl wearing only underwear, fishnets and a bra walked up to me and said," OMG, I love you! I just love you." To which I responded, "thanks." Then the girl grabs my right boob. But not only does she grab my boob outside my shirt, she then puts her hand INSIDE my shirt and INSIDE my bra and squeezes my right boob again. I play it cool by yelling for Shoo and we run away.
2. I guess I wasn't feeling the song that was playing cuz I was sitting on the steps. This guy sits down next to me and I committed the horrible mistake of looking over at him. He smiled and said, "Hi" then asked me to dance. The guy wasn't Rocky Dennis ugly so, what the hey. We're dancing and I'm keeping a considerable distance but he kept grabbing me and pulling me closer. I tell homeboy to chill the fuck out and he moves back a couple of steps. Then he began to untuck his shirt and unbutton it from the bottom up all rico suave like. In response to that move, I projectile vomitted all over his nasty ass hairy chest. Ok, I made up the last part about the projectile vomit...but that's what I felt like doing!! Instead I walked off the dance floor and went back to my spot on the stairs where I continued to sip on my FREE drink.
3. This anecdote isn't very interesting but I'm including it because I can. So #'s is closing and the house lights are on. I'm waiting for my party to assemble so we can split. As I'm waiting, this dude (whom Shoo & I spoke to briefly outside on the patio) walked up to me and kept repeating, "You are so sexy." DUH. TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW, STUPID! I'm so sexy I almost stayed home in my pajamas on NYE to watch the Food Network until I cried myself to sleep.
4. I saved the best for last. This tidbit needs a little background info to fully comprehend the hilarity. Maybe six months ago, some of my girls & I go to Friday night #'s to dance. Oh, and Orange Robert was there too and he can also verify this story. I'm on the dance floor dropping it like it's hot cuz you know how I do. I'm busting a move when I turn around and there is this girl all up on me. She came out of nowhere!!! The girl was cute and around my height so I dance with her. I was convinced she was on ecstasy or something cuz she kept bumping and grinding on me. The situation was getting a little too hot & heavy for me so I started looking around for my friends to rescue me. Of course, they were standing on the outskirts of the dance floor watching the entire scenario and laughing their asses off! I must have mouthed "HELP ME!" at least 50 times before one of 'em decided to grab me. So that was it. Me and this girl danced to maaaaaaaybe two songs. I didn't even know her name. Fast forward a week or so and it was brought to my attention that the girl posted a Missed Connection to me on Craigslist. I really wished I would have saved it cuz it was very flattering and sweet. But I never responded to it because I was convinced one of my friends wrote it. Of course they all deny it but you never know. Oh yeah, and I'm not gay...
Back to last night. Once again, I'm sitting on the stairs alone but on the opposite side of room. The Missed Connections girl walked up to me. I immediately recognized her and said, "Have I met you before?" She answered "yes" and asked me to dance. Once again, I threw all caution to the wind and said yes. What can I say? I try not to discriminate. We're dancing... correction... I'm dancing, she's grinding all over me... for about five minutes when her friends walked over and informed her they are ready to leave. She didn't want to go but she also didn't have a choice. I made small talk and hugged her good bye but I could barely say, "Have a happy new year" before she proceeded to grab me and shove her tongue down my throat! And her tongue stayed shoved down my throat for what felt like an hour but really it was only 45 seconds.
After a night like that I did what only a sane person would do. I went back to Shoo's apartment, stuffed my face full of cinnamon rolls and got high.