(no subject)
ugh...why???? i'm starting to get back to the way i used to be and i don't think it's a very good thing. i was happier when i wasn't that way but the whole reason i changed was because jeff was there to monitor everything i did and he would always talk me into doing the right thing. why can't i just stick with one person and have somewhat of a normal relationship...no more fuck buddies and no more of that "we're friends but a little bit more than friends" shit. i'm weak...i think that's my problem. i give in too easy and i don't think sometimes. it's sad that i can't even think on my own...i have to get someone's approval in some way. that's why it was great having jeff around because he's not shy about telling me what i'm doing wrong and what i shouldn't do and blah blah blah. maybe i should just be friends with guys...like make it perfectly clear that that's all i need right now. i was thinking about jason and how he wants me to move out to california....would it be that bad if i did? he'd be gone the majority of the time and then when he's there we'd have fun because we just have that kinda friendship where things don't get serious and we're just a couple of idiots. this is sooooooooooooooo irritating. i have like 4 guys right now that i'm trying to figure out. first there's jeff, i love him to death and i want to be with him but he would never make an effort to be with me. then there's jason(the one in the coast guard) he gave me the oppurtunity to get out on my own and he'd take care of me, when he's there of course. and then there's the other jason that i work with...we had something going on and then all of sudden it kinda just went up in the air and i have no idea what happened...he's a nice guy and i like him and i wish things would work out. and finally there's craig...he's a really sweet guy and we've got more in common than me and jeff ever did, i don't know what i want from him though...like i can't figure out whether we would work out as a couple or whether we'd make better friends...because alot about him reminds me of my guy friends down in florida that were strictly friends except for when alcohol was involved and we made fools of ourselves. i wish i could be like "ok, i'm just friends with all of them"...jeff, i love him and i can't drown it out no matter what i do...jason,i think no matter what we'll remain good friends and have the occassional casual sex...the other jason, i just want to know what happened and if it turns out that we'll just be friends than that's cool, i enjoy his company...and with craig, i have no idea...that kinda just happened,maybe too quickly, and i think i'll just take it slow and see where it goes. shit...well time for work. later