I swear, I'd rip my heart out if you said you'd be impressed...
Okay. So I'm about to make a choice. But I'll tell about my night first.
Yesterday was mostly great. I woke up too early and took Alexis to the barn. Came back and cleaned and talked with mom and talked about the lake with Rett but that didn't work out and I picked up pizza for lunch [stop eating, fatass] and then left to get Alexis. Dropped her at the house, picked up Lindsay. To Raleigh to see if there were any movies playing at 5 [of course not] so we hit Miltons for fettucini and caeser salads for dinner. Back to Louisburg to pick up Loftin, then to the bunker. [I'm starting to have serious love for the Focus and how it gets me around so nicely. Everytime I see another focus I smile because they're cheap cars, but good cars. I'm going to make a bumper sticker that says "Focus love." and put it on there.] After hanging out at Travis's house for a while, walking back to the bunker and deciding I wanted Wendy's, Loftin, Oliver, Heather and I get in my car [not MY car but just to distinguish from other people's vehicles] and head to town. Gas station stop for gum/cigs/pepsi/candy for people at the house who'd thrown money and a damn shopping list at us, then to Wendy's. I love [so much] windows down, sunroof open, music blaring doing 55 through town yelling the words to Romainian pop songs out the window and then kickin it with the bravery once we get into Travis's neighborhood and yeah. Old school on Jason's moon-rock iPod speaker once we're out there, pepsi, skittles, Wendy's, beer, broken glowsticks means our pants all glow spotted after we fling the glowing liquid all over, singing along, and then Nick comes with bread and we're battling with French bread and throwing danishes like frisbees until someone catches it and decides they want it and eats it, burning anything and everything in the fire and pushing people on the huge tire swing they made. These kids make my nights sometimes and I love being a bum and doing nothing. 99% of the time I hate Louisburg, but the bunker crew makes up that 1% of the time that I don't. <3
I took Loftin home at 11:30 and came back. Nick wasn't acting to me like he was last night. I think I pushd too hard. I have to stop. I left upset and took Lindsay home, and she offered for me to stay the night. I took her up on that and slept til 11...Mean Girls wasn't such a horrible movie, and then I went home. On my way home, at a stoplight a girl pulls up beside me and tells me my back tire is almost flat.
Goody.
So I pull into ace hardware, go in and tell Sabrina I either need a phone or a person who can fix a flat tire. A random lady has her husband help me so I'm rollin around on a spare right now, which can't happen for very long because it's only a temporary tire. I needed some time before I went home. Camilla kept pointing out this dirt road off 401 that she said Nick and I needed to go down one night, just because it was romantic and if nothing else just sit and watch the stars. I drove down until it ended and then back, which took a long enough time. Then I went home. Talked to mom some. Later I may go to the Sayles.
So back to my choice. My descision is that I'm done. I'm sad about Nick...more than sad. I want him back. I would do so much different and I wouldn't push him away. But he wouldn't ever consider later on wanting to even be my friend, much less more, if I keep acting the way I am. He loved happy, fun to be with, caring, funny, smiling me. Not sad, crying, always down, fake smiling me. So I'm done. I won't be done instantly but eventually I will quit. Quit crying, quit dwelling, quit wishing I could go back in time. And I will start being the girl he fell in love with before, and focus on being a friend before anything else. Focus on WANTING him, but not NEEDING him like I do now. Optomism about future possibilities is what will keep me going for a while and eventually I'll be able to move on without needing that optomism, but I'll still have it. I love Nicholas Blake Duncan, and I want him happy. But I need to be happy too. Hopefully eventually I might be happy with him again. But he wouldn't ever even consider that if I don't bounce back because no one wants a someone depressed all the time as a friend or girlfriend. So I might be sad and say somethig in here occasionally cause that's what my journals for. But as far as real life goes, I'll stop bitching to friends. And right now, I'm going to stop speaking to Nick. let him have his space. Let him be with Bethany, even though I hope they don't last and no one's counting on that happening anyway. Let him smoke and drink and get this free-for-all-ing out of his system over the summer and have fun with his buddies. And when the dust settles in the fall, and his friends leave for college and he's still here at VGCC, I'll be happy and okay. And maybe I'll see if he wants to go to a movie. Maybe now was just the wrong time. But I'm going to work on letting this rest for now. I'm going to write him an email telling him the things I feel I need to tell him [not nasty things, just things as the final this is this and that is that] and be done with it. And if I had my way about it, I'd be with him. But I needed to be happy with him then, I need to be happy without him now, and I need to be happy with or without him later. That's all there is to it.
That paragraph was more for myself than anyone else. Perhaps I'm just trying to psyche myself up and when I see him Monday I'm going to cave in on myself and just want to go home, but it was worth it to me to say. I don't want him out of my life. But if I don't leave him be now...I'll just push him farther away.
I'm going to shower now seeing as I obviously didn't come home and do that last night. Then maybe I'll go into town later.
Yesterday was mostly great. I woke up too early and took Alexis to the barn. Came back and cleaned and talked with mom and talked about the lake with Rett but that didn't work out and I picked up pizza for lunch [stop eating, fatass] and then left to get Alexis. Dropped her at the house, picked up Lindsay. To Raleigh to see if there were any movies playing at 5 [of course not] so we hit Miltons for fettucini and caeser salads for dinner. Back to Louisburg to pick up Loftin, then to the bunker. [I'm starting to have serious love for the Focus and how it gets me around so nicely. Everytime I see another focus I smile because they're cheap cars, but good cars. I'm going to make a bumper sticker that says "Focus love." and put it on there.] After hanging out at Travis's house for a while, walking back to the bunker and deciding I wanted Wendy's, Loftin, Oliver, Heather and I get in my car [not MY car but just to distinguish from other people's vehicles] and head to town. Gas station stop for gum/cigs/pepsi/candy for people at the house who'd thrown money and a damn shopping list at us, then to Wendy's. I love [so much] windows down, sunroof open, music blaring doing 55 through town yelling the words to Romainian pop songs out the window and then kickin it with the bravery once we get into Travis's neighborhood and yeah. Old school on Jason's moon-rock iPod speaker once we're out there, pepsi, skittles, Wendy's, beer, broken glowsticks means our pants all glow spotted after we fling the glowing liquid all over, singing along, and then Nick comes with bread and we're battling with French bread and throwing danishes like frisbees until someone catches it and decides they want it and eats it, burning anything and everything in the fire and pushing people on the huge tire swing they made. These kids make my nights sometimes and I love being a bum and doing nothing. 99% of the time I hate Louisburg, but the bunker crew makes up that 1% of the time that I don't. <3
I took Loftin home at 11:30 and came back. Nick wasn't acting to me like he was last night. I think I pushd too hard. I have to stop. I left upset and took Lindsay home, and she offered for me to stay the night. I took her up on that and slept til 11...Mean Girls wasn't such a horrible movie, and then I went home. On my way home, at a stoplight a girl pulls up beside me and tells me my back tire is almost flat.
Goody.
So I pull into ace hardware, go in and tell Sabrina I either need a phone or a person who can fix a flat tire. A random lady has her husband help me so I'm rollin around on a spare right now, which can't happen for very long because it's only a temporary tire. I needed some time before I went home. Camilla kept pointing out this dirt road off 401 that she said Nick and I needed to go down one night, just because it was romantic and if nothing else just sit and watch the stars. I drove down until it ended and then back, which took a long enough time. Then I went home. Talked to mom some. Later I may go to the Sayles.
So back to my choice. My descision is that I'm done. I'm sad about Nick...more than sad. I want him back. I would do so much different and I wouldn't push him away. But he wouldn't ever consider later on wanting to even be my friend, much less more, if I keep acting the way I am. He loved happy, fun to be with, caring, funny, smiling me. Not sad, crying, always down, fake smiling me. So I'm done. I won't be done instantly but eventually I will quit. Quit crying, quit dwelling, quit wishing I could go back in time. And I will start being the girl he fell in love with before, and focus on being a friend before anything else. Focus on WANTING him, but not NEEDING him like I do now. Optomism about future possibilities is what will keep me going for a while and eventually I'll be able to move on without needing that optomism, but I'll still have it. I love Nicholas Blake Duncan, and I want him happy. But I need to be happy too. Hopefully eventually I might be happy with him again. But he wouldn't ever even consider that if I don't bounce back because no one wants a someone depressed all the time as a friend or girlfriend. So I might be sad and say somethig in here occasionally cause that's what my journals for. But as far as real life goes, I'll stop bitching to friends. And right now, I'm going to stop speaking to Nick. let him have his space. Let him be with Bethany, even though I hope they don't last and no one's counting on that happening anyway. Let him smoke and drink and get this free-for-all-ing out of his system over the summer and have fun with his buddies. And when the dust settles in the fall, and his friends leave for college and he's still here at VGCC, I'll be happy and okay. And maybe I'll see if he wants to go to a movie. Maybe now was just the wrong time. But I'm going to work on letting this rest for now. I'm going to write him an email telling him the things I feel I need to tell him [not nasty things, just things as the final this is this and that is that] and be done with it. And if I had my way about it, I'd be with him. But I needed to be happy with him then, I need to be happy without him now, and I need to be happy with or without him later. That's all there is to it.
That paragraph was more for myself than anyone else. Perhaps I'm just trying to psyche myself up and when I see him Monday I'm going to cave in on myself and just want to go home, but it was worth it to me to say. I don't want him out of my life. But if I don't leave him be now...I'll just push him farther away.
I'm going to shower now seeing as I obviously didn't come home and do that last night. Then maybe I'll go into town later.