Shire Wars
Here's a good ol' Aussie drama set in our (my) heartland the Shire. I wrote it on Sunday morning, in three hours. A drama esssay of the same length took two days plus hours of research (bundled with procrastination).
Yes, the scripts many thousands of words, but its not that hard to read. And it has been influenced greatly by that abridged movie scripts site. Y'know, this one. Here's the first episode:
SHIRE WARS EPISODE I: ATTACK OF THE ROADS
BY DAVID OTTO
NARRATOR (voiceover):
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…
The Council of Sutherland proposed in the 1980s the opening of the fire trail connecting the two suburbs Woronora and Woronora Heights for better public transport. Residents have since paid a levy in order for it to open. But something happened, something that the council did not expect…
FADE TO:
EXT.WORNORA.DAY
WORONORA RESIDENTS run around HYSTERICALLY realising that what they agreed to pay for is now going to bring nothing but PURE CHAOS. It would be completely UNSHIRELIKE of them to commission a ROAD. They become RECLUSIVE and HOSTILE to people outside their own suburb…wait, weren’t they always like that? Well, they become TWICE as HOSTILE.
NARRATOR (continued):
All of a sudden, people were against the bus link they had just paid for. This stalled the commissioning of this fire trail to public transport. The issue was temporarily forgotten, which has led the shire to what it is today.
FADE TO:
EXT.SHIRE.DAY
A montage of the UTOPIAN SHIRE is displayed on screen.
NARRATOR (continued):
The Shire is a dream land. Thanks to a fleeting rail system linking the eastern Shire by rail every two hours, and a bus system which doesn’t know that following a timetable requires driving a bus by the specified time, residents of the Shire could go wherever they wanted, whenever they wanted.
Residents of the Woronora suburbs had the greatest luxury: there was only one way in, and one way out. No one today was fussed that it often took them hours to get out of their suburb, or that they lived in a valley surrounded by bush, and if the side with an exit was alight, they’d be trapped until emergency services could get them out. They were just happy that they were isolated, and no one from the outside could possibly harm them.
Then, suddenly, the evil spirit was born again…
FADE TO:
INT.SUTHERLAND COUNCIL CHAMBERS.DAY
COUNCILLOR:
I propose that we finally commission that Woronora bus link.
WORONORA RESIDENTS:
Oh dear God no! What has gotten into him? It’s those darned commuters who want to use this road as a shortcut! Or those darned criminals, most of them tea-towel heads who want to steal all our stuff and use the fire trail to escape! Or those darned teenagers, most of them tea-towel heads, who want to hoon down our streets at hundreds of miles an hour, leaving bongs behind them! And the terrorists! They’ve all gotten to you, haven’t they, councillor?
COUNCILLOR:
No that is impossible, I’d never join such an evil organisation even though I am pure evil and want the bus link open, muahahhaha!
INT.ANTI-WORONORA FEDERATION.NIGHT
The ANTI-WORONORA FEDERATION is a purely evil building possibly situated somewhere completely evil, like OATLEY, BLAKEHURST or PADSTOW. Inside is a round table where an EVIL SUTHERLAND SHIRE COUNCILLOR; a MENAI-ENGADINE COMMUTER; a MIRANDA-WATERFALL COMMUTER; a WOLLONGONG-SYDNEY COMMUTER; a THIEF, possibly of MIDDLE-EASTERN DESCENT and a TEENAGE RED P-PLATER OF DEATH who drives a SKYLINE, possibly also of MIDDLE-EASTERN DESCENT all sit down to contemplate EVIL schemes to the INNOCENT WORONORA and WORONORA HEIGHTS residents, because they are all inherently EVIL and HATE WORNORA and the good Australian values WORONORANS stand for, God bless WORONORA!
CONCILLOR:
I am the leader of the Anti-Woronora Federation, where we propose nothing but pain to residents of the Woronora Valley. The council went ahead with the idea. They are so evil like us, of course they’d accept, muahaha.
MENAI-ENGADINE COMMUTER:
Yes, yes! And I can tell all my Menai friends to go to Engadine through the access road. It’s plain to see that travelling down a winding suburban street with a speed limit of 50km/h will get me there much quicker than a dual carriageway with speed limits of 70 and 90.
MIRANDA-WATERFALL COMMUTER
Of course! And worth travelling a few extra kilometres to use! And a lot more safe, too!
WOLLONGONG-SYDNEY COMMUTER:
I get high-speed dual carriageway practically most of the way to Sydney thanks to highway 1, I’ve been waiting so long for a detour through 50km/h narrow streets. Hell, why don’t we re-route the highway through there?
COUNCILLOR:
Great idea! I’ll propose it to the council. They’re all so evil they’ll accept!
THIEF
And thanks to this fire trail, I can now steal from the honest workers of Woronora Heights! And catch the bus home with Wide Screen televisions under my jacket. Perfect!
TEENAGE RED P-PLATE DRIVER OF DEATH
Fully sick bro, I can tell all my cousins who also drive Skylines and we can all have drag races because the fire trail is just a long straight of road, bro. And we can all smoke bongs on the football oval, kids of Woronora Heights never thought of doing that, cuz’
COUNCILLOR
Yes of course, the valley of infidels would never stand a chance. Now you all have been trained the Islamic way - because Islam is pure evil - I must leave you now to burn innocent puppies.
The MEMBERS praise Allah, because praising a god is so evil unless it is a good CHIRSTIAN god, then they get to work. Little do they know there was a DECENT, HONEST WORNORAN SPY who was listening to them all and knows their DIRTY PLAN.
WORONORAN SPY:
Oh no, it’s all true! There really is a federation! I’d better get home as fast as I can and warn the others!
He leaves the building which is 7 KILOMETRES from his house. It takes him 1 HOUR to get home.
CUT TO:
INT.WORONORA.DAY
The DECENT, HONEST WORONORAN SPY explains what he saw last night to all the DECENT, HONEST WORNORANS. Everyone is horrified
WORONORAN SPY:
And there were drivers, and red P-platers, and tea towel heads, and councillors! Oh my it was all horrible! And they’re all gonna drive here and steal our stuff and kill our children…
WORONORAN ELDER:
Oh my it’s true! We can’t let his happen! There’ll be a highway here and tea-towel heads will have greater access! It’s truly a threat to humanity! There’s only one thing we can do now…
RANDOM WORONORAN:
What is that?
WORONORAN ELDER:
Protest like codgers!
The WORONORANS start protesting like mad. They post SIGNS everywhere in protest and WRITE LETTERS to the LEADER.
WORONORAN ELDER:
That’s it! Protest! This will work, the council is pure evil. No government is ever right! Oh, no! I must warn my brother in Woronora Heights on Bundanoon Road!
He gets in his car and proceeds to drive from THE CRESCENT ROAD to BUNDANOON ROAD, geographically 750 metres away. He takes the most direct route, which is north along PRINCE EDWARD PARK ROAD, east along RIVER ROAD, south along PRINCES HIGHWAY, west along ANZAC PARADE, then north up BUNDANOON ROAD. This takes him 45 MINUTES.
WORONORAN ELDER:
…Highway here and tea towel heads will have greater access! It’s truly a threat to humanity! There’s only one thing we can do now
WORONORA HEIGHTS ELDER
Protest like codgers! Sure thing.
Soon, the WORONORA HEIGHTS RESIDENTS start protesting like mad, just like their neighbouring suburb. All this HYSTERIA attracts the interest of other SHIRE RESIDENTS. They all DRIVE DOWN through the VALLEY to observe the SIGNS. Their slowing down to look at the signs CREATES TRAFFIC. The WORONORANS are happy that the sings are getting the point across.
SUTHERLAND RESIDENT:
Uhhh…where are all these thieves and hoons going to come from? And what’s going to make Woronora so much more appealing to them now?
WORONORAN:
They’ll be so interested because they can now escape the suburb easier, and hoon down the fire trail home.
HEATHCOTE RESIDENT:
(Looking down the fire trail)
Wow, can people even reach SIXTY on that road?
WORONORAN:
They will, because it will be an access road!
SYLVANIAN:
Uhh…we’ve had highway 1 running through our suburb since God knows when and most of Sylvania is fine
JANALLI RESIDENT:
And why would they stop using the highway anyway?
WORONORAN:
They’d rather choose this road, of course!
BANGOREAN:
That’s not true, now the Bangor Bypass is built, only people from Bangor and east Menai use Menai Road, and that’s a through road.
WORONORAN:
Hello?! This is a totally different area!
LOFTUS REISDENT:
Acutally, there’s already a detour off the Princes Highway. Loftus Avenue is a through road and goes all the way down to Yarrawarrah, and hardly anyone uses that as a detour. Plus it’s not as winding as this road here.
WORONORAN:
But this is Woronora! Theives! Hooligans! Death, doom and destruction! You obviously haven’t heard of the Anti-Woronora Federation! It’s run by Islamic terrorists!
The RESIDENTS of SUTHERLAND, HEATHCOTE, SYLVANIA, JANALLI, BANGOR and LOFTUS scream in TERROR:
SUTHERLAND, HEATHCOTE, SYLVANIA, JANALLI, BANGOR AND LOFTUS RESIDENTS:
(In unison)
Oh no! Terrorists! Tea-towel heads! We’re on your side, Woronora and Woronora Heights!
The EVIL COUNCILLOR enters, followed by some BUSES, snaring menacingly at the INNOCENT WORONORANS. The EVIL COUNCILLOR sneers as he holds the KEY to the FIRE TRAIL in his hand. He is so EVIL
COUNCILLOR:
Your time is up, Woronora and Woronora Heights! Tremble in fear as I declare the Fire Trail…OPEN TO THROUGH TRAFFIC! MUAHAHAHA!
WORONORA AND WORONORA HEIGHTS ELDERS:
Noooooooo…!
It’s too late; the EVIL COUNCILLOR has unlocked the gates. The WORONORANS flee off the street into their HOUSES and BOMB SHELTERS. The BUSES transport the residents, oh the horror! This is, however, nothing compared to the HAVOC to come from the ANTI-WORONORA COUNCIL.
EXT.PRINCES HIGHWAY.DAY
The MULTI-LANE, HIGH SPEED PROVISIONED PRINCES HIGHWAY is DESERTED. The EVIL COMMUTERS of the ANTI-WORONORAN COUNCIL lead the other commuters onto BUNDANOON ROAD, because it’s obvious that it is SHORTER and SAFER to use that road.
EXT.THE FIRE TRAIL.DAY
PEAK HOUR on the FIRE TRAIL. Cars are EVERYWHERE, because everyone knows it’s the MAJOR ROUTE to WHEREVER they want to go.
MENAI-ENGADINE, MIRANDA-WATERFALL AND WOLLONGONG-SYDNEY COMMUTERS:
Now the roads belong to everyone, Woronora is no longer the peaceful suburb it once was, and it’s much quicker for everyone this way: you’d be a fool to take an expressway-grade road over this one.
CUT TO:
EXT.MENAI MARKETPLACE.DAY
The THIEF has set up a store called DISCOUNT ELECTRONICS, he also has an evil TEA-TOWEL on his head. A YOUNG COUPLE enter the store, looking for a wide-screen television.
THIEF:
And what were you after today?
YOUNG MAN:
Well, we haven’t much money, but we heard you could get us a plasma television for $299, marked down from $7 000. Could you do that for us?
THIEF:
(Putting on Ski mask)
Sure! I’ll be back in one hour!
The THIEF gets in his car and drives to WORONORA in an EVIL fashion, because he’s possibly of MIDDLE-EASTERN DESCENT. He walks into a HOUSE and STEALS a 135 CENTIMETRE WIDE-SCREEN PLASMA TELEVISION while the RIGHTFUL OWNER is in the GARAGE, hiding it in his TEA-TOWEL and drives home. This was of course NEVER possible before because the FIRE TRAIL - that he didn’t actually DRIVE ON - had NEVER opened. He returns to the couple in his STORE and receives the $299.
YOUNG WOMAN:
Wow, at such a good price, too. Just how do you do it?
THIEF:
Don’t thank me, thank the fire trail!
CUT TO:
EXT.JANALLI.NIGHT
The RED P-PLATER OF DEATH stands in front of his TURBOCHARGED SKYLINE looking MIDDLE-EASTERN. All the other RED P-PLATERS in the SHIRE join him with their TURBOCHARGED CARS and ETHNICITY. They cause CHAOS, because that’s what RED P-PLATERS do. The RED P-PLATER OF DEATH spots a CASUAL DRIVER and beckons him to pull over.
CASUAL DRIVER:
What seems to be the problem?
RED P-PLATER OF DEATH:
Bro, I challenge you to a fully sick race to Engadine, cuz’. You have to go through the lame Princes Highway and I have to go through the fully sick Woronora, bro. If you win, I’ll hate you. If you lose, I’ll scream and yell obscenities in incomprehensible English, ‘cos that’s what P-Platers do, cuz’.
CASUAL DRIVER:
Yeah, whatever, I was going to Engadine anyway.
They RACE. That is, the CASUAL DRIVER heads onto the Princes Highway at the LEGAL 70KM/H and the RED P-PLATER OF DEATH heads WEST at 140KM/H - DOUBLING the speed limit. The CASUAL DRIVER travels at the SPEED LIMIT of 90KM/H on the PRINCES HIGHWAY while the RED P-PLATER of DEATH almost DIES taking the WORONORA HAIRPIN BENDS at 60KM/H. The RED P-PLATER OF DEATH then hoons down PRINCE EDWARD PARK ROAD AT 100KM/H, which was obviously impossible before because there was no FIRE TRAIL. Inside the WORONORA ELDER’S HOUSE, they PLOT to STOP the HORROR
WORONORA ELDER:
We aren’t defeated yet! We can still scream at every car using the access road unfairly!
They hear the SKYLINE of DEATH approach.
WORONORA ELDER:
Can you hear something?
WORONORAN:
Oh no, that sounds like my son again…
They do nothing while the RED P-PLATER OF DEATH enters the CRESCENT ROAD; he has to slow down to 50KM/H because the road is so NARROW. Meanwhile, the CASUAL DRIVER has reached YARRAWARRAH and is travelling at the LEGAL SPEED of 70KM/H. The CASUAL DRIVER reaches ENGADINE, just as the RED P-PLATER OF DEATH finishes travelling the BENDS of the FIRE TRAIL at an average of 40KM/H. He then HOONS down BUNDANOON ROAD for the FIRST TIME EVER, because it could never have been done BEFORE the FIRE TRAIL. He smokes a BONG (while driving, of course, because he’s of MIDDLE-EASTERN descent) and chucks it on the OVAL, it gets lost between all the SYRINGES and BONGS already placed there from WORONORA HEIGHTS TEENAGERS. He reaches ENGADINE, 5 minutes after the CASUAL DRIVER has left the MACDONALDS after finishing his LARGE BURGER MEAL.
RED P-PLATER OF DEATH
Hah, must have been too slow for me and my shortcut, cuz’.
EXT.WORONORA HEIGHTS.DAY
All the residents have stood up to the ANTI-WORONORA FEDERATION and have decided to get the EMERGENCY SERVICES to install BARRIERS at the FIRE TRAIL. These barriers cost them TWICE as much as the LEVY they paid to open it.
WORONORA ELDER:
So, the Woronora Valley is safe again, but for how long?
A BUSHFIRE starts at the NORTH side of the WORONORA VALLEY, leaving the WORONORA RESIDENTS STRANDED until the ENGADINE EMERGENCY SERVICES can unlock the BARRIERS.
END
Yes, this DOES seem exaggerated, but it really does happen! the hysteria, i mean.
Adios
Dotto