(no subject)
this is my boy
isnt he pretty? i do love him so
he does make me beam.
he is giving me key for boat 2morrow, letting me stay there without him and everything so i dont have to come back to mums.
he is the best, we eat all the food, and play with our baby sideways. i am her mummy now, she follows me and fetches me things from the river such as plastic bags and tennis balls, then she throws them back in and looks at me as if to say "u go get them"
i feel so odd here in saffron with out him snuffling in his sleep next to me and waking up and squeezing me. i dont like waking up here with out little sausage squishing me against the wall after petes gone to work. and i dont like it here. i dont fit in anymore everyone is changed and diffrent or maybe i am? i want my cambridge family so much, i want to see tobin and rosie. i want to see mare and foff on a daily basis again. i've never felt such comfort, apart from obvious olivers and anna, but even then i feel as though sometimes i am the odd one out. i never feel like that with river people or tobe and rosie. I do feel such ways around jamie and the fuck-head crew because i am NOT one of them. I am not a fuck head ( well not all the time like them anyway).
i even feel strange, and out of place in my actual family. like i am an outsider now because i am not living here and i dont come to every single family function (about 3-4 a month). i do wish i went to see my nan and grandad more. they are old and my granddad is sick and i feel sick even thinking about it. me and pete went to see them with mum last saturday and he was so forgetfull. i've never seen him so confused and quiet. He didnt even laugh the same.
i hate change, i wish i could embrace it but recently nearly all the change in my life has been for the worse and i feel vulnerable and stupid and ashamed of myself for not being a success? but what is that? someone with a degree? yes i am sad in a way that i am not going to university but it would be a waste of time for me, i would not do the work i do not have the self motivation. i hardly have any motivation and it's not a sudden thing i've always been a lazy fuck as long as i can remember. I work hard though when i do work. i feel ashamed that i am no longer a carer, and tears nearly come to my eyes when i think of the disabled lady i walked out on/got fired. But then i feel sick about the way she had to live her life (not her disability) but the way that her parents treated her, lieing to her when she couldnt see, poisoning her about people because they decided They didnt like them. Less and less of her friends coming to see her because they cant be botherd. Her life disintergrating before her. and me being told i was utterly responsible for her for 5 days a week if i had a day off being satan for the next week. couldnt even book holiday off 3 months in advance. and thats all i can think about? when her parents get so drunk at the weekend i'm sure it was totaly unsafe for them to be using a hoist. her niece who was neglected by her mother and her fat neice who comfort ate shit all day and looked so unhappy with her body. her bother a totaly alcoholic. the whole family alcoholics. feeling scared to leave her.
everythings gone to shit.
i want pete, i know he will not make everything better, but i just want to hide my head in his armpit and stroke his back and fell warm and comfortable, not cold and clinical like i do here, i want to know i can do what i want when i want and not have to answer to my mum again. i want to run away from all this shit. i am really not happy today.