Oh deary deary dear.
"Oh god. I don't know the proper words. I'm disappearing. Mean reds. The blues. Black mood. Can't focus. Can hardly think. So much to do, so very little time, so many people around me that have problems that I can't do anything to fix. I want to be sick. I want to sit in a dark room with my eyes closed. Want to chainsmoke, want to run until I can't run, want to throw away everything I'm working at. How to feel better? Books? Music? They can't reach it. Friends? I can't verbalise it. What's wrong? Nothing. I'm fine. I'm frozen. I can't move. It'll all work out. It won't. I'll fail. This time next year. Still here, exactly where I always was. Stagnating. I may never escape. I'm so afraid. Gut-wrenchingly terrified. Why? I'm good enough. But I might fail anyway, and then I won't be good enough. But that's not all of it, but I don't know what is. Who to tell? No-one wants to hear you talk like this. Deal with it alone, always worked before. Why post it on the fucking internet? I want people to know. I don't want people to know, I've never wanted people to know. I want help without having to feel vulnerable. I can't function properly. I can't post this stupidity. I'll delete it within the hour, this isn't how people want to know me. Not that many people do anyway. Shut up. Shut up shutupshutup STOP IT. Oh, GOD.
I can only be grateful that it's been such a very long time since I've felt like this."
When I wrote that I really felt like I was going absolutely batshit crazy. And occasionally I still feel that way. I'm dealing with a lot at the minute, not just school and medical school applications, and it's monstrously hard work. No-one wants to sit and listen to me whinge about it, and I can understand that, we've all got a lot going on. But it just makes me feel helpless when people add to it for what really does seem to be no good reason. And UGH, whinge whinge whinge, that's all I do on blogs but no-one really reads it anyway. Oh, everything is changing. I'm changing. I'm excited for that. I'd be as excited for university as everyone else is (perhaps even more so, I'm not even nervous about moving away from home) if I had an offer. I'm having to work so much harder than everyone else and it doesn't feel like they care or notice, except for the fact I've occasionally got less time for them, which makes them annoyed. Which upsets me, because I'm NOT DOING IT ON PURPOSE. I've got to work work work work work all the time just to get to the same stage as they already have. Same goes for the way I can't work up HUGE CRYING SYMPATHY for people who already have an offer but are now worried they haven't got a second, or receive a rejection. I feel something, a kind of distressed empathy, and I do my best to be kind but really, I just want to scream. Can't they be grateful? They have SOMEWHERE to go next year. It's not like the offer is beyond the scope of their abilities. It might not be their first choice. THEY HAVE SOMEWHERE TO GO. I don't, and I really don't think it's hit some of the people that should be supporting me the most. Oh, this sounds like an enormous hateful rant to some of my closest friends, but it isn't. I still love them dearly, I'm still ecstatic for their successes and devasted by their failures but I feel so terrible sometimes; I could never articulate those feelings to them while speaking to them without causing upset, and that's the very last thing I want.
I can only be grateful that it's been such a very long time since I've felt like this."
When I wrote that I really felt like I was going absolutely batshit crazy. And occasionally I still feel that way. I'm dealing with a lot at the minute, not just school and medical school applications, and it's monstrously hard work. No-one wants to sit and listen to me whinge about it, and I can understand that, we've all got a lot going on. But it just makes me feel helpless when people add to it for what really does seem to be no good reason. And UGH, whinge whinge whinge, that's all I do on blogs but no-one really reads it anyway. Oh, everything is changing. I'm changing. I'm excited for that. I'd be as excited for university as everyone else is (perhaps even more so, I'm not even nervous about moving away from home) if I had an offer. I'm having to work so much harder than everyone else and it doesn't feel like they care or notice, except for the fact I've occasionally got less time for them, which makes them annoyed. Which upsets me, because I'm NOT DOING IT ON PURPOSE. I've got to work work work work work all the time just to get to the same stage as they already have. Same goes for the way I can't work up HUGE CRYING SYMPATHY for people who already have an offer but are now worried they haven't got a second, or receive a rejection. I feel something, a kind of distressed empathy, and I do my best to be kind but really, I just want to scream. Can't they be grateful? They have SOMEWHERE to go next year. It's not like the offer is beyond the scope of their abilities. It might not be their first choice. THEY HAVE SOMEWHERE TO GO. I don't, and I really don't think it's hit some of the people that should be supporting me the most. Oh, this sounds like an enormous hateful rant to some of my closest friends, but it isn't. I still love them dearly, I'm still ecstatic for their successes and devasted by their failures but I feel so terrible sometimes; I could never articulate those feelings to them while speaking to them without causing upset, and that's the very last thing I want.