(no subject)
It's almost six in the morning. I haven't slept. I can't sleep. I'm not even sure if I want to sleep. I'd been doing well managing my insomnia/wacky sleep cycles for a while, but it's been slowly creeping up on me again. It's exhausting, funnily enough, to keep up on trying to get enough sleep. So, here we are.
I'm still basically lost, and struggling so much, with general life stuff. It's to where I don't even want to write about it, because it ends up sending me into a panic attack whenever I give it that much thought. I said earlier today that I'm upset because of this knowledge that my life is never, ever going to turn out the way I always wanted it to, and I was going to say that sums it up, but it doesn't, really. I never "always wanted" anything. I never had dreams, not really, not in a way where I ever let myself feel like that stuff would happen. It just seemed obvious that I wasn't going to have nice things, for whatever definition of "nice." But maybe I did let myself hope, even when trying not to, I don't know. I wish I knew what I wanted, but I'm not even sure if it matters anymore.
And I'm just going round and round, and it's not going to help. It would be cool if I could sleep, but...you know. That'll happen eventually, if I wait long enough.
In other news, my laptop speaker was not working for months and months, and I never had money to take it in, but it appears to have just decided to work again as of an hour ago. I'm not letting myself get my hopes up with this, either -- I'm fairly convinced it won't last -- but it would be nice if it keeps up. Especially since my headphones recently died, and I can't find another set.
I'm still basically lost, and struggling so much, with general life stuff. It's to where I don't even want to write about it, because it ends up sending me into a panic attack whenever I give it that much thought. I said earlier today that I'm upset because of this knowledge that my life is never, ever going to turn out the way I always wanted it to, and I was going to say that sums it up, but it doesn't, really. I never "always wanted" anything. I never had dreams, not really, not in a way where I ever let myself feel like that stuff would happen. It just seemed obvious that I wasn't going to have nice things, for whatever definition of "nice." But maybe I did let myself hope, even when trying not to, I don't know. I wish I knew what I wanted, but I'm not even sure if it matters anymore.
And I'm just going round and round, and it's not going to help. It would be cool if I could sleep, but...you know. That'll happen eventually, if I wait long enough.
In other news, my laptop speaker was not working for months and months, and I never had money to take it in, but it appears to have just decided to work again as of an hour ago. I'm not letting myself get my hopes up with this, either -- I'm fairly convinced it won't last -- but it would be nice if it keeps up. Especially since my headphones recently died, and I can't find another set.