fukn nitemares
so this morning i had a bad nitemare...and i know exactly wher it stems from. i dreamed i was driving one of my dads vans with sum boxes and my dog was there...i was to meet my parents at a certain location and drop off sum stuff...well i get there and find that my mother had stolen my drivers license and insurance cards, so if i got pulled over i would get in trouble. i was furious at her and couldnt believe she would do that. i started screaming at her, and she at me. i told her to fuk off that she was a deviant bitch. she was irrate, so she took the keys to the van wher i had sum of my things packed away. i ran upstairs to my room and secretly started packing my things. came downstairs and noticed my dog was bleeding in her face, my mom had kiked her. and then threatened to kill her if i tried to leave. that was it, i was dun. i pushed my mom into this attic room and closed the door. the whole time my dad stood by and watched but did nuthing, i was angry at him for letting her behave liek this. so i packed my things frantically before she found a way out, and she did. she tunneled thru the ground and was cummin up thru the floor thru a pile of dirt. i was yelling at my dad to stop her, not to let her out. i also asked him for the keys to the van and he was reluctant to give them to me. eventually she broke the ground and was out. one of my cats "chow" was there and was swatting at her and hissing, she grabbed him and broke his neck. i was in horror, she knew i was watching. i grabbed my things and ran for the van. looking back i saw my dad grab a shovel and begin beating her with it til she was bloody. i didnt look back again and grabbed my dog and my things and drove away.--obviously this cums from my anxieties bout telling my mother im moving. which at this point i dont really care what she thinks, cuz this is what im doing and she knows i do what i do. but i know she will still try to make me feel guilty for doing so, but as her daughter i feel it is the respectable thing to do to tell her. nothing i ever do will make her happy....
i went to see my sister today,...it was good to see her and my nephews...we were talkn bout the family and stuff and its all bullshit. she was sayn how for the holidays no one ever gets together to do anything...no one calls anyone anymore...thas jus lame i think...my moms side of the fam didnt use to b this way, i guess its just we all grew up-the cousins. even then talkn bout my mom mad me mad...shes miserable, and looks for pity...and wont change. she complains bout all kinds of stoopid things but will do nuthn to change them...i absolutely cant stand that kind of attitude and i hate being round her becuz she is miserable. i really dont know how my sister lives with her...i think my sis is much like my dad; a push over. my mother is so much liek my ex its scary, and thas another reason i just cant handle her for very long; same personality traits that are unhealthy. the guilt loading, never follows thru with anything, always looking for sumone to do things for her and she always has an excuse for everything. i honestly think she has been this way her whole life-miserable, depressed and will always be. she will never change, and it makes me sad. it affeects my relationship with her becuz she spreads her misery lika disease and it brings me down. its poison. i have my own worries in my life that i just cant b dragged down into her hell. i truly feel sorry for her, but i will do nothing to help her becuz she will not help herself. she will never b satisfied with what she has and she will never be happy; she cannot b pleased no matter what u do. perhaps it is best, the sumwhat distant relationship i have with her. i have changed, and am changing my life for the better, trying to be more positive and i have found happiness. it was a choice i had to make to change. it was a long journey, but i had to search for it, search for myself to find me becuz i was tired of being miserable. but my mother chooses to b depressed and stay in misery. i think becuz its all she knows. its familiar. and that is a sad thing.
i went to see my sister today,...it was good to see her and my nephews...we were talkn bout the family and stuff and its all bullshit. she was sayn how for the holidays no one ever gets together to do anything...no one calls anyone anymore...thas jus lame i think...my moms side of the fam didnt use to b this way, i guess its just we all grew up-the cousins. even then talkn bout my mom mad me mad...shes miserable, and looks for pity...and wont change. she complains bout all kinds of stoopid things but will do nuthn to change them...i absolutely cant stand that kind of attitude and i hate being round her becuz she is miserable. i really dont know how my sister lives with her...i think my sis is much like my dad; a push over. my mother is so much liek my ex its scary, and thas another reason i just cant handle her for very long; same personality traits that are unhealthy. the guilt loading, never follows thru with anything, always looking for sumone to do things for her and she always has an excuse for everything. i honestly think she has been this way her whole life-miserable, depressed and will always be. she will never change, and it makes me sad. it affeects my relationship with her becuz she spreads her misery lika disease and it brings me down. its poison. i have my own worries in my life that i just cant b dragged down into her hell. i truly feel sorry for her, but i will do nothing to help her becuz she will not help herself. she will never b satisfied with what she has and she will never be happy; she cannot b pleased no matter what u do. perhaps it is best, the sumwhat distant relationship i have with her. i have changed, and am changing my life for the better, trying to be more positive and i have found happiness. it was a choice i had to make to change. it was a long journey, but i had to search for it, search for myself to find me becuz i was tired of being miserable. but my mother chooses to b depressed and stay in misery. i think becuz its all she knows. its familiar. and that is a sad thing.