*ima lucky man*
wher to start?....thers so much randomness in my muddled mind i cant think...at wurk....random...im very open bout my S&M interests and everyone i wurk with knows this...so my supervisor sparked a question bout it...and the discussion took off from there...it was quite amusing...i mean...what IS normal?...i dont think what i do is abnormal...who defines "normal"?....society?...and who comprises society?...a buncha fukn idiots i think...wear this, be that, look like this, do that...well fuk that...im not about that...thas y i do my own thing...whether its "normal" to society or not...fuk those ppl...i dont owe anyone a damn thing...and i refuse to succumb to the feeble-mindness, fickle fads that "society" places on the weaknesses of people for monetary gain. i swear to u, i dont belong here...i think sumone made a mistake when i was sent here. then the question remains...y?...that never ending pursuit to understand ur existence...*i still dont get it*
Fathers day...i dont even wanna go there...everywher i looked, everything i heard, fathers day...then sumthing random triggers memories,... and i fall to sadness, a longing to see the one man i love unconditionally...and i try to remember what it was like to have my dad around....and all i see are images of his death and funeral...i remember being brought into the room at the hospital wher his body layed on the table when they pronounced him dead...my knees collapsed, even tho i knew he was gone, here was the proof...i stood by the bed and held his hand, i didnt know what to think, what to do...i didnt want to leave him, all i knew was i felt absolute loss, sadness, fear and shock...he will always have my admiration and love
How short our time is...i dont want to take things for granted, ever...is this my humbleness?...i think i have been thru alot and becuz of those things i try to appreciate what i have, no matter how meager...i tried calln my sis las nite while at wurk, twice...of course no answer...that made me upset...my family never comes to see me...i always put forth the effort...that upsets me more...and then i thought of my aunt who lives here...i havent seen her in ages...and her sons in even more time...i thought , i wanted to see her once more before i leave this place...i dont know when ill ever see her again...then i thought of my relationship with my nephews, cieran in particular...i love them so much...and i dont want our relationship to b as it is with my aunt-distant...im obviously having anxieties of moving, but i cannot let them hold me back...i hafta live for me and what i must do...my path is not my families...i think i have always walked a different road...and i think the price i pay is my solitude from ppl, even my family...and that hurts me...is that perhaps y i dont feel any ties?...i will always b a part of my family, but i always feel the outcast/black sheep...perhaps i should stop delving into this matter and let things b that are...
Every woman wants to b a sex goddess, shes lying if she sez no...that was another thought...everyone has a sexiness about them...when they want to b...from the biggest geek to the ugliest person, at the right moment, they too r sexy...it doesnt matter what u look like, itza universal thing bout feeling and being. i find it fascinating. i find that i want to rule the wurld with sex. i want to generate sensuality. im not talkn bout porn, for i dont find porn to b very tasteful. mayb i jus dont want to b normal-that wurd again. love is dispensible. i may love or b loved, but it is expendible. well i dont want that...i dont want to settle to b just another fling...i dont want to b dispensible...i want to b sumthing surreal to sumone...outter wurldly...i dont think anyone understands that...i cant really explain it either...i dont want to b jus another love...i want to b one, for jus one person...i want to have such an impact on sumone they could never love again if they lost me...of course this is all unrealistic, for i am no exception to being tossed away and forgotten by former lovers...its jus the nature of the experience called life...this is jus my longing attempt to b different...to stand out in the crowd, tho i only wish for one person to see me, i dont care about the masses. thers not much i do care for, but when i do...all my energies r focused there. * i dont belong here*
Fathers day...i dont even wanna go there...everywher i looked, everything i heard, fathers day...then sumthing random triggers memories,... and i fall to sadness, a longing to see the one man i love unconditionally...and i try to remember what it was like to have my dad around....and all i see are images of his death and funeral...i remember being brought into the room at the hospital wher his body layed on the table when they pronounced him dead...my knees collapsed, even tho i knew he was gone, here was the proof...i stood by the bed and held his hand, i didnt know what to think, what to do...i didnt want to leave him, all i knew was i felt absolute loss, sadness, fear and shock...he will always have my admiration and love
How short our time is...i dont want to take things for granted, ever...is this my humbleness?...i think i have been thru alot and becuz of those things i try to appreciate what i have, no matter how meager...i tried calln my sis las nite while at wurk, twice...of course no answer...that made me upset...my family never comes to see me...i always put forth the effort...that upsets me more...and then i thought of my aunt who lives here...i havent seen her in ages...and her sons in even more time...i thought , i wanted to see her once more before i leave this place...i dont know when ill ever see her again...then i thought of my relationship with my nephews, cieran in particular...i love them so much...and i dont want our relationship to b as it is with my aunt-distant...im obviously having anxieties of moving, but i cannot let them hold me back...i hafta live for me and what i must do...my path is not my families...i think i have always walked a different road...and i think the price i pay is my solitude from ppl, even my family...and that hurts me...is that perhaps y i dont feel any ties?...i will always b a part of my family, but i always feel the outcast/black sheep...perhaps i should stop delving into this matter and let things b that are...
Every woman wants to b a sex goddess, shes lying if she sez no...that was another thought...everyone has a sexiness about them...when they want to b...from the biggest geek to the ugliest person, at the right moment, they too r sexy...it doesnt matter what u look like, itza universal thing bout feeling and being. i find it fascinating. i find that i want to rule the wurld with sex. i want to generate sensuality. im not talkn bout porn, for i dont find porn to b very tasteful. mayb i jus dont want to b normal-that wurd again. love is dispensible. i may love or b loved, but it is expendible. well i dont want that...i dont want to settle to b just another fling...i dont want to b dispensible...i want to b sumthing surreal to sumone...outter wurldly...i dont think anyone understands that...i cant really explain it either...i dont want to b jus another love...i want to b one, for jus one person...i want to have such an impact on sumone they could never love again if they lost me...of course this is all unrealistic, for i am no exception to being tossed away and forgotten by former lovers...its jus the nature of the experience called life...this is jus my longing attempt to b different...to stand out in the crowd, tho i only wish for one person to see me, i dont care about the masses. thers not much i do care for, but when i do...all my energies r focused there. * i dont belong here*