(no subject)
I think I need to come with a disclaimer or a liability waiver.
Do not befriend me if you can't handle emotionally stunted, rational, mostly detached people. I cannot give you what most others can. I can't give you emotional reactions to bad news, scary events, catastrophes, etc. If you're in a car accident and posting about it on facebook, I can't join in with the dramatic, concerned comments because I see you're posting on facebook that YOU ARE, IN FACT, ALRIGHT. THAT IS ACTUALLY ALL THAT I NEED TO KNOW.
Because I don't expect or want people fawning and worrying over me, I cannot give that to other people. I cannot act in a way that I don't want to be acted upon. And I can't apologize for being the way that I am. All I can apologize for is that you cannot understand the way that I am and that I can't properly convey it.
I cannot understand or process feelings like the general population. It can take me - literally - hours or days to realize I'm angry about something. The bigger the issue, the longer it takes me to digest it.
And despite explaining this to people who want to become a deeper part of my life, it never seems to work out. I always fail their expectations or disappoint them. But I'm a long way from where I used to be. I don't know? Maybe I am a callous, insensitive person. What if I can't actually experience compassion or sympathy for other people? I don't have a goddamn clue.
It's frustrating for me, too, you know. Realizing "everybody else" did something I didn't do, everybody else had a reaction I didn't. I can't fucking change it. I don't know if I'm right or wrong or validated. But I've reached the point where I'm not going to put up with being repeatedly vilified and condemned by someone who says he understands. If you can't fucking handle me, then have the balls to just end the friendship instead of making yourself a martyr.
Please, tell me that you'll always be here for me, but that you can't handle that I'm not as invested in our friendship as you. Please, shame me with your subtext for being unable to display in a manner you're used to that your well being and friendship are very important to me.
Do not befriend me if you can't handle emotionally stunted, rational, mostly detached people. I cannot give you what most others can. I can't give you emotional reactions to bad news, scary events, catastrophes, etc. If you're in a car accident and posting about it on facebook, I can't join in with the dramatic, concerned comments because I see you're posting on facebook that YOU ARE, IN FACT, ALRIGHT. THAT IS ACTUALLY ALL THAT I NEED TO KNOW.
Because I don't expect or want people fawning and worrying over me, I cannot give that to other people. I cannot act in a way that I don't want to be acted upon. And I can't apologize for being the way that I am. All I can apologize for is that you cannot understand the way that I am and that I can't properly convey it.
I cannot understand or process feelings like the general population. It can take me - literally - hours or days to realize I'm angry about something. The bigger the issue, the longer it takes me to digest it.
And despite explaining this to people who want to become a deeper part of my life, it never seems to work out. I always fail their expectations or disappoint them. But I'm a long way from where I used to be. I don't know? Maybe I am a callous, insensitive person. What if I can't actually experience compassion or sympathy for other people? I don't have a goddamn clue.
It's frustrating for me, too, you know. Realizing "everybody else" did something I didn't do, everybody else had a reaction I didn't. I can't fucking change it. I don't know if I'm right or wrong or validated. But I've reached the point where I'm not going to put up with being repeatedly vilified and condemned by someone who says he understands. If you can't fucking handle me, then have the balls to just end the friendship instead of making yourself a martyr.
Please, tell me that you'll always be here for me, but that you can't handle that I'm not as invested in our friendship as you. Please, shame me with your subtext for being unable to display in a manner you're used to that your well being and friendship are very important to me.