(no subject)
Dear Baby,
I miss you today. I think about you every day, but today I miss you more than usual. I was just looking back at my entries around the time I came to know you, and it made me sad to think how afraid I was of you. I know you heard me crying all those nights when I had to think about getting rid of you, and I hope somehow you can understand that if circumstances were different, you'd be in my arms right now. I hope I didn't hurt you at any point, especially when the doctor said I had to let you go. It wasn't you. I wanted you. I loved you. But you couldn't have lived on earth. You wouldn't have been healthy, and you couldn't have lived a normal life, if you lived at all. I hope you felt me hugging you every night as I cried. I hope you heard me say I loved you.
I want to thank you for changing my life. I want to thank you for deciding to go on your own. You must've known how badly it've hurt me to get rid of you, and that's why you left before I needed to. You must've heard me crying for you. You saved me so much pain. And that makes me believe you must have loved me, too.
I hope you're waiting for me. I hope your beautiful soul comes back to me when the time is right. When you have a proper father, when I can jump for joy at your presence rather than cry in fear, when I can take care of you the way you deserve to be taken care of, I hope you come back. I hope you know that I've been thinking about what it would be like today to hold my one month old child, to, at last, have met you, to look into your sparkling eyes, to watch you sleep, to feel you breathing against my chest, to finally be able to hug you and look at you and tell you that I love you. With all my heart, I still love you.
I hope you don't miss me like I miss you, but if you do, just listen. I sing to you sometimes.
All my love,
Mum
I miss you today. I think about you every day, but today I miss you more than usual. I was just looking back at my entries around the time I came to know you, and it made me sad to think how afraid I was of you. I know you heard me crying all those nights when I had to think about getting rid of you, and I hope somehow you can understand that if circumstances were different, you'd be in my arms right now. I hope I didn't hurt you at any point, especially when the doctor said I had to let you go. It wasn't you. I wanted you. I loved you. But you couldn't have lived on earth. You wouldn't have been healthy, and you couldn't have lived a normal life, if you lived at all. I hope you felt me hugging you every night as I cried. I hope you heard me say I loved you.
I want to thank you for changing my life. I want to thank you for deciding to go on your own. You must've known how badly it've hurt me to get rid of you, and that's why you left before I needed to. You must've heard me crying for you. You saved me so much pain. And that makes me believe you must have loved me, too.
I hope you're waiting for me. I hope your beautiful soul comes back to me when the time is right. When you have a proper father, when I can jump for joy at your presence rather than cry in fear, when I can take care of you the way you deserve to be taken care of, I hope you come back. I hope you know that I've been thinking about what it would be like today to hold my one month old child, to, at last, have met you, to look into your sparkling eyes, to watch you sleep, to feel you breathing against my chest, to finally be able to hug you and look at you and tell you that I love you. With all my heart, I still love you.
I hope you don't miss me like I miss you, but if you do, just listen. I sing to you sometimes.
All my love,
Mum