bellydancing

[dorqq]

so yesterday at bellydancing practice i was cut for the second part of the dance. and i felt really bad and everything at first and i was talking with gigi about it and everything. but then i remembered what karen told me (because she got cut too, she reminded me that we are busy with lacrosse, that we'd have to remember a lot more for the dance, and so it's going to be easier on us, and we'll get to leave earlier and do less during the whole course of really planning this dance. and so now i actually feel good about it. i just thought about my looks a lot though, after the entire ordeal. i remember when i used to feel really ugly everyday...awfully ugly and then i got a slight boost of confidence and i just stopped caring more, and i started investing a lot in my personality instead of my looks and i felt good. but now i'm starting to feel really ugly now. tatiana, and janet, and natalia and most of the people that were kept on the dance, like rhonna are very beautiful. and i felt that i really wasn't kept on the dance because i'm not that pretty and i'm not popular. people know me, but they don't care about me. nobody flocks to talk to me. like with everyone else. and it sounds selfish, because it's like i'm begging for people to worship me. but that's not what i mean to say, i just want people to care about my existence. and it seems like those other girls have so much more. but really that's the only thing hurting me now. it's more a psychological/mental hurt than anything else.
and when i was talking with gigi i noticed how she just didn't want to listen to what i had to say. i don't like talking to her because all she wants to talk about is herself and how she's been hurt. and soon after talking to her i just didn't want to confide in her, because i'm sure if she's given the chance she'll just tell other people about what i said and make me sound like i'm dieing for attention.
really the situation isn't that bad. at least i wasn't totally cut from the dance. =).

on wednesday i'm going against st.ignatius for know your heritage. i'm going to study a butload this weekend. i have a lot to do, so i'm going to push myself to get started today. but i'll hold off on cleaning the bathroom even though my mom really wants me to clean it...

if we win on wednesday we're competing on friday which will be my last day to compete since i'll be out of town on saturday. so if we win on friday i won't be able to compete on saturday for the quarterfinals and if we win on saturday i can't go to the semifinals & championships on sunday. i really want our team to win it all, but then again if we win it all i won't be there to see it or take in all the glory. ha, i sound so selfish.
but i have a feeling that this year is going to be our year. or at least we're going to do very well.

so those are my ramblings for today.
i never get commented here.
it's kind of a good thing. it's like a secret little hiding place.