alcohol and pills make everything better..
Even though it seemed to me that the week was starting out nice, my stress is piling in a heap ready to burn.
Am I a completely spoiled, addicted, bitch who will only spend the rest of her life alone and feeling sorry for her self?
Am I destined to become a not-so-great housewife finding myself stuffing towels under the doors of my children's rooms, not unlike Plath, selfishly breathing in my suicide as I wait for my last dawn?
I don't know. I don't even know if this desire to end all the wrong things the same way I've always handled them will ever go away. There are things that are supposed to go away with maturity am I right? MY problem is, I really don't know which of these THINGS are supposed to go away, or ever will. I know in my heart and my mind that I have grown for the better over the years, thinking more logically, putting myself behind everyone else, and esp. controlling my emotions with a little help from each new little pill they give me. But there are things that I'm really not sure will ever go away with MATURITY , or if that really has anything to do with it, and then again either way, they are part of me know, so do I really WANT them to go away?
To this day the only people that really know the other side of me is still my family. My parents went through the worst parts, repairing everything I would break, making me appologize to a classmate and their mother sometimes for hurting them almost out of nowhere, taking me to the hospital when I would hurt myself, or even making me stay at home for other children's birthday parties b/c I would get so jealous and it would eventually turn into a TEMPER TANTRUM wanting the best piece of the cake, their presents, and all of the attention from their big day.
Yet after the years things almost flip-flopped, except for the anger. I've found myself in the later and teenage years being selfless, not affected by any petty jealousy, and a wallflower hoping to be ignored, and mostly I was.
But the anger.
If I tell someone when we first meet or before they've ever seen me turn jekl and hyde on them, they don't really seem to believe it. I warn them, but apparently they don't believe me until they see it for themselves. And they're usually gone not long after that. But even when I have lost my temper in these past years its only been a fraction of the emotion and destruction that i have done or want to do. I hold back a LOT.
But when it comes to boyfriends its a lil diff b/c you are around them more arguments with them mean more and its hardest b/c they arent just friends or lovers, they are family too. Yet unlike the family that have seen me at my worst, they see as much as 25% at the most of my anger and "temper tantrums".
I just dont think ican have a long real marriage or relationship without being myself, and if i am myself, although ive always warned them, they get tired of it. tired of me. want to leave. back alone again.
So heres the question, is suicide, anger, destruction, emotional and nervous breakdowns, and arguing to try to settle things out, is it all immature?
Am I a completely spoiled, addicted, bitch who will only spend the rest of her life alone and feeling sorry for her self?
Am I destined to become a not-so-great housewife finding myself stuffing towels under the doors of my children's rooms, not unlike Plath, selfishly breathing in my suicide as I wait for my last dawn?
I don't know. I don't even know if this desire to end all the wrong things the same way I've always handled them will ever go away. There are things that are supposed to go away with maturity am I right? MY problem is, I really don't know which of these THINGS are supposed to go away, or ever will. I know in my heart and my mind that I have grown for the better over the years, thinking more logically, putting myself behind everyone else, and esp. controlling my emotions with a little help from each new little pill they give me. But there are things that I'm really not sure will ever go away with MATURITY , or if that really has anything to do with it, and then again either way, they are part of me know, so do I really WANT them to go away?
To this day the only people that really know the other side of me is still my family. My parents went through the worst parts, repairing everything I would break, making me appologize to a classmate and their mother sometimes for hurting them almost out of nowhere, taking me to the hospital when I would hurt myself, or even making me stay at home for other children's birthday parties b/c I would get so jealous and it would eventually turn into a TEMPER TANTRUM wanting the best piece of the cake, their presents, and all of the attention from their big day.
Yet after the years things almost flip-flopped, except for the anger. I've found myself in the later and teenage years being selfless, not affected by any petty jealousy, and a wallflower hoping to be ignored, and mostly I was.
But the anger.
If I tell someone when we first meet or before they've ever seen me turn jekl and hyde on them, they don't really seem to believe it. I warn them, but apparently they don't believe me until they see it for themselves. And they're usually gone not long after that. But even when I have lost my temper in these past years its only been a fraction of the emotion and destruction that i have done or want to do. I hold back a LOT.
But when it comes to boyfriends its a lil diff b/c you are around them more arguments with them mean more and its hardest b/c they arent just friends or lovers, they are family too. Yet unlike the family that have seen me at my worst, they see as much as 25% at the most of my anger and "temper tantrums".
I just dont think ican have a long real marriage or relationship without being myself, and if i am myself, although ive always warned them, they get tired of it. tired of me. want to leave. back alone again.
So heres the question, is suicide, anger, destruction, emotional and nervous breakdowns, and arguing to try to settle things out, is it all immature?