time is recognizable?
so i was supposed to work today, but got sent home. it was kinda shameful actually. today marks two weeks since my dad's passing and it was really buggin me, and by the time i made it to work, i was crying, i was fighting the tears as much as i could, but i just couldnt. i hate crying, especially in front of people like that. my boss told me to go home, because it wasnt a big deal if i left, they could manage, he told me not to worry and just take the day to myself. i thanked him and left. it was kind of embarassing.
i came home and sat with matthew for awhile, he ended up making me smile and laugh >>brothers are good for that<< i then went to Barnes and Noble and Target on a mission to find a particular scrapbook. no luck :-( matthew and vader were supposed to go to see a movie and matthew said i could go, because i told him i just wanted to hang out with him. i am enjoying my brothers company more than i have in a long time. i have never dispised being around my brother, but since that saturday, the one that altered our lives, my brother has kept me together in way he doesnt even know. im so lucky to have him. and the rest of my family and my wonderful friends.
turns out i made us a little late for the movie, so we had to go wait at Vader's house for an hour. i was dreading it. my nerves were shot, i was crying on and off constantly, and the LAST thing i needed was any of Vader's cheap shots. (the kid and i just dont get along, which admist all this with my dad is still on the backburner and really getting to me. am i that hard to get along with? grrrrr.) i didnt talk much, he said that i had an "attitude" because of it, whatever, he has no idea what this feels like. by the time the next movie was starting i just figured i'd go home, Jay was home so i wouldnt be alone. i talked with lauren, felt better, its good to have people who wont knock you down when your teetering on that final ledge.
i miss my dad terribly. i know hes in a better place. he and my grampa. neither of them have to suffer anymore and are feeling young and healthy and better than ever, but even though i KNOW this, its still that tangible loss, the idea that i cant call up my dad and tell him my car ranked in as one of the Worst Cars in The World, or that i still havent gotten the paint primer off my toenails, to which he would say "i told you to use paint thinner, it would come right off" then he would go on about my room, and ask if i used Latex paint or not, if it was water or oil based, what brand i used, ask more questions about Menards, since he mentioned more than once "i guess i dont understand what kind of store that is." my father was a wonderful man. my grandfather was a wonderful man. anyone who ever met them knows the truth behind this, and i feel sorry for those who never had the opportunity. i love my dad, so much that its kept me strong when i needed it most, and allowed me to break down and cry when i really had to.
i went to an estate sale with my mom yesterday and was simply goin through some of the various boxes, when i stopped, and looked at my mom. "oh God, i can't even imagine having people go through dad's things like this." i fought back the tears, and my mom hugged me. its a strange thought. i have gone to TONS of estate sales ( found some mighty fine bargains with lauren and betsy too) but never really gave a whole lot of thought as to why there was even a sale going on. it's strange when things you overlook for such a long time come to you at face value so to speak.
for those of you wanting to know about me returning to WNY, the wait will continue as i am still trying to figure a lot of things out. keep me in your thoughts and prayers, Lord knows i need it.
much love
Katie
Also,
Happy 21st Birthday to Michelle.
i came home and sat with matthew for awhile, he ended up making me smile and laugh >>brothers are good for that<< i then went to Barnes and Noble and Target on a mission to find a particular scrapbook. no luck :-( matthew and vader were supposed to go to see a movie and matthew said i could go, because i told him i just wanted to hang out with him. i am enjoying my brothers company more than i have in a long time. i have never dispised being around my brother, but since that saturday, the one that altered our lives, my brother has kept me together in way he doesnt even know. im so lucky to have him. and the rest of my family and my wonderful friends.
turns out i made us a little late for the movie, so we had to go wait at Vader's house for an hour. i was dreading it. my nerves were shot, i was crying on and off constantly, and the LAST thing i needed was any of Vader's cheap shots. (the kid and i just dont get along, which admist all this with my dad is still on the backburner and really getting to me. am i that hard to get along with? grrrrr.) i didnt talk much, he said that i had an "attitude" because of it, whatever, he has no idea what this feels like. by the time the next movie was starting i just figured i'd go home, Jay was home so i wouldnt be alone. i talked with lauren, felt better, its good to have people who wont knock you down when your teetering on that final ledge.
i miss my dad terribly. i know hes in a better place. he and my grampa. neither of them have to suffer anymore and are feeling young and healthy and better than ever, but even though i KNOW this, its still that tangible loss, the idea that i cant call up my dad and tell him my car ranked in as one of the Worst Cars in The World, or that i still havent gotten the paint primer off my toenails, to which he would say "i told you to use paint thinner, it would come right off" then he would go on about my room, and ask if i used Latex paint or not, if it was water or oil based, what brand i used, ask more questions about Menards, since he mentioned more than once "i guess i dont understand what kind of store that is." my father was a wonderful man. my grandfather was a wonderful man. anyone who ever met them knows the truth behind this, and i feel sorry for those who never had the opportunity. i love my dad, so much that its kept me strong when i needed it most, and allowed me to break down and cry when i really had to.
i went to an estate sale with my mom yesterday and was simply goin through some of the various boxes, when i stopped, and looked at my mom. "oh God, i can't even imagine having people go through dad's things like this." i fought back the tears, and my mom hugged me. its a strange thought. i have gone to TONS of estate sales ( found some mighty fine bargains with lauren and betsy too) but never really gave a whole lot of thought as to why there was even a sale going on. it's strange when things you overlook for such a long time come to you at face value so to speak.
for those of you wanting to know about me returning to WNY, the wait will continue as i am still trying to figure a lot of things out. keep me in your thoughts and prayers, Lord knows i need it.
much love
Katie
Also,
Happy 21st Birthday to Michelle.