[Original][Untitled] Eros
Title: Eros
Series: Untitled
Rating: 14A
Type: Introduction
Warnings: Language, hints at twincest / shounen-ai (ehehehe... x_x)
It doesn’t take long. In the blink of an eye everything you hold dear will simply disappear - at least, it will if you’re like me… not that that would matter to someone such as yourself.
It seems as though one minute you’re curled up in bed, your arms wrapped tightly around someone you’d give anything to make happy and then you blink and it all ends, you open your eyes again to nothing but memories and the fading scent of them on the pillow across from you. For me, this marks the mourning period. I can’t go home yet even though I know he’s waiting there for me to come back; I can’t go home even though I know he knows how much pain I’m in and how badly I need him. He knows I’m not ready. I know I’m not ready. It’ll still be months of my fingers running over those sheets and that pillow, clinging desperately to what we had. It’ll be countless weeks of curling up in their clothing until the scent has faded away completely to that faintly almond scent that is often associated with me. And when there’s no scent left I’ll simply lay crying, wondering if I’ll ever get over how much I love them.
When I have the will to move again, because no manner of lack of food or sleep is enough to kill me, I’ll finally go home. I’ll be met with cool blue-white walls, intricate blue marble flooring, pale wooden segments of an all too familiar workspace. I’ll sit there and stare at all the things I have that could stop me from ever having to love another soul again, things that could keep my suffering at bay. And he’ll come.
My mirror will sit across from me quietly. He won’t say anything at first - he used to until he realized how much more effective the silent method is - and I’ll move to press my forehead against his shoulder. Little by little our bodies will become as close as our souls are and I’ll eventually fall asleep in those familiar arms on that god-awful floor. Still, I’ll wake again and again to sheets so white they nearly give off their own light. Still the pain won’t go away - but he won’t, either.
Just as that suffering starts to get bad, he’ll speak to me. Nothing important, enough to get me back up to date on home and work. Eventually his antics will help coax me out of my room into the extravagant halls of our home. Some will give me sympathetic looks, the ones who know how it is and how little I can do to fix it all; others will roll their eyes at the complete predictability of me. The pain and sorrow will mean nothing at all to them as they pass entirely by, and as much as my heart will clench tightly at their disapproval his hand will grasp mine a little bit tighter and that hold will loosen the agony inside.
Soon enough he’ll have me nearly back to normal, smiling, chatting, socializing. I can’t help enjoying my job and I’ll throw myself head first in to it without a care, the heart on my sleeve sewn back together and showing the scars of it, but still as big as ever. I’ll watch everyone around me falling in love and I won’t suffer for it, I’ll be too happy for them to care about the pain that I’d suffered before.
And just like that the cycle will start again; I’ll find someone new who makes me smile and gush just like it’s the first time all over again. I’ll feel new again, happy… My world will piece itself back together in its entirety and I’ll laugh and tell him just how happy I am. He’ll laugh at me, call me names, ask me the mandatory questions and then make fun of me a little and things will happen all over again.
Slowly, he’ll fade into the background as I live out my moments again, happy and free. Some of those moments last longer than others; some moments come with more pain, others come with a little relief; none of these moments are forgettable. Having lost more lovers than most hearts could take, having lost my opportunity to have family, from losing a wife in childbirth, the children along with her, to becoming liberated by the death of an abusive lover whom I could never walk away from, I know every step of love. But this time I know something’s going to be very different.
Until this moment I’ve always had him to be there for me, to pick up the broken pieces of me and sew my damaged heart back together. But this time, when I break he’ll break beside me. And what can I do for him…? Tens, hundreds of thousands of years have passed between us to develop us into an appropriate coping mechanism. Somehow, this time, the well oiled machine will manage to jam and it’ll only take one thing that is impossible to prevent.
We can’t make him immortal.
He can’t make us mortal.
Age is my undying enemy in this instance. It takes everything I love away from me and this time around he’ll learn it too, the pain I still tried so hard to hide from him. He’ll learn the utter devastation that comes with the death of one whom you love and cherish beyond your senses. He’ll suffer the death of sunshine and the seemingly endless wandering through a scorching desert of night that no clothing will shield him from the pain of.
So this time I won’t just lose once… I’ll lose twice over. First, we’ll lose him to the impossible factor of age, and then I will lose my mirror into that darkness and pain. I’ll have no one to turn to then and he’ll need me to be strong to help him find his way out of that misery. That’s a kind of bravery I’ve never had to face before - I’m not sure if I can do it and to be honest I’m terrified that I’ll let him down.
Watching them now I can only paste on a familiar smile and indulge in the moments of happiness even as they bicker back and forth relentlessly about trivial nothings. One will never know the true pain of losing love as much as he thinks he does; the other may be thinking of it, but he’s still so very far off.
Familiar blue eyes meet mine even as our mortal partner turns away in a huff, obviously aggravated despite the blush on his cheeks. Golden blond curls stretch down my mirror’s back, much longer than my own, and his eyes sparkle with mirth at the situation he’s lovingly created for the rather embarrassed mortal in our presence. Rolling my eyes at my twin, my arms slowly wrap themselves around our ever so fragile partners’ waist, my lips pressing against the back of his neck lightly, silencing his initial protests to the embrace.
Even knowing through so many past incidents just how short-lived this whole experience is I can’t help but wonder how it’s possible that this happiness, this pleasure, could ever end. I can’t imagine that his musky sea-salt scent will ever fade away, or that the warmth of his body so close to mine will dwindle and disperse, just as I couldn’t imagine this situation to ever have occurred - to share my brother with my lover… to share my lover with my brother… to be romantically involved with the man whose been there every second of my life from the day of our births.
All I know for sure is with the impending sadness on its way I want today to be happy. I want every second until I’m forced to blink to be phenomenal for them both and I want them to experience everything good that I’ve ever been able to bring to this world, so that they can see what it means to be me and so that they can be proud of me for what I am, finally. Neither of them have had this chance before and I want to be sure that they take everything away from it that keeps drawing me back to the situations of pain.
Furthermore, I know that when he blinks and everything is gone… he’ll never wake to an empty bed. He’ll never lose me, because he was smart enough to fall in love with something that lasts forever even if he chose to simultaneously fall in love for something a little less permanent. And while Renchi will die, his love never will because love is eternal.
I should know.
~Eros