yesterday, i found my worst regret..
i hate reading really old LJ entries and realizing how much people have changed and how much you just wish you could go back to then and keep it that way forever.. wheres a time machine when you need one =[
life isnt exactly going the way i want it to anymore. its taken on all control and im in the passenger seat just waiting for the next crash. and i realize there are hose out there who have it worse than i do and i am grateful for the things i have like the roof over my head, the food on the table and clothes on my back and the family and friends that surround me.. but im just not grateful for who i am anymore. i use to be a fun and cool person.. someone who people wanted to be, someone he wanted to be with. but ive changed soo much that i cant even remember how to be that person anymore. and i realize as we grow up, we change, but why did i have to change for the worse? i want to be that kristen again that everyone loved. but no i had to let all my worst qualities get the best of me. im such an idiot..
i cant just keep pretending and tucking my feelings away in the back of my mind like they dont matter. i tried several times, but they are just too big to ignore. i wish i didnt have feelings anymore because i dont want to feel this way anymore. or sometimes i just wish i never opened up to feelings in the first place. i think id be so much better off if i didnt. because then i wouldnt know what it is and usually when i dont know what something is, i ignore it and it eventually goes away. but i fear, this will never go away and im scared ill spend the rest of my life trying to figure out what went wrong and how i could have fixed it and if theres a chance i can fix it now when i know [even though i dont want to believe] there is no fixing it. whats broken, is broken and no amount of tape or glue or anything will ever put it back together again.
im trying one last time, but if it doesnt work, then im giving up all together. and this time, im going to try without trying.. yeah it doesnt make sense to you, but it does to me and thats all that matters.
life isnt exactly going the way i want it to anymore. its taken on all control and im in the passenger seat just waiting for the next crash. and i realize there are hose out there who have it worse than i do and i am grateful for the things i have like the roof over my head, the food on the table and clothes on my back and the family and friends that surround me.. but im just not grateful for who i am anymore. i use to be a fun and cool person.. someone who people wanted to be, someone he wanted to be with. but ive changed soo much that i cant even remember how to be that person anymore. and i realize as we grow up, we change, but why did i have to change for the worse? i want to be that kristen again that everyone loved. but no i had to let all my worst qualities get the best of me. im such an idiot..
i cant just keep pretending and tucking my feelings away in the back of my mind like they dont matter. i tried several times, but they are just too big to ignore. i wish i didnt have feelings anymore because i dont want to feel this way anymore. or sometimes i just wish i never opened up to feelings in the first place. i think id be so much better off if i didnt. because then i wouldnt know what it is and usually when i dont know what something is, i ignore it and it eventually goes away. but i fear, this will never go away and im scared ill spend the rest of my life trying to figure out what went wrong and how i could have fixed it and if theres a chance i can fix it now when i know [even though i dont want to believe] there is no fixing it. whats broken, is broken and no amount of tape or glue or anything will ever put it back together again.
im trying one last time, but if it doesnt work, then im giving up all together. and this time, im going to try without trying.. yeah it doesnt make sense to you, but it does to me and thats all that matters.