why can't you see me through different eyes?
it's official. well.. not exactly. we didn't "break up" i guess =\ it's.. strange. i don't know if it has a title. we're starting over. we realize we didn't develop as friends before anyhting else could continue. and first feelings i guess aren't somehting you can live off of. i can't say i'm not sad. hell.. i'm heart broken [woo emo =\]. i'm not crying though and it's really bizarre. i kind of want to.. i feel like maybe afterwards i'll feel better or something. but maybe that's doubtful. i'm sad because i wasn't making him completely happy. i feel like i was a kind of let down or dissapointment. but i knew it wasn't working out anymore. i felt it comming. it was just a matter of time. i hate to talk about it that way but it's the truth. i wasn't as happy as i tried to be either. still... i know that if he would be himself he could make me the happiest girl in the world like in the beginning but with a deep closeness. and i would love that more than anyhting else in the world. because strangely enough, if there was one person i could see myself fall in love with, it's him. i could picture getting to know him better and being together and being completely happy. because i wasn't right now. i don't know. i'm not saying that will happen. it might not. i'd be lieing if i said i had no attraction or interest in him. i do. but i think i'll leave it be and see if it grows or if it doesn't, if it fades and then i JUST see him as a friend or what. i still think it'd a bit depressing to know i couldn't do it for him. i kind of made myself get more attached in hopes it would happen with him i think. i don't know anymore. at least we had valentine's. it was a good evening. and that was the end of that for now.. perhaps some other day. who knows. it feels strange. kind of depressing. i keep using the same words over again. but maybe it just hasn't hit me completely? the show tomorrow night. shit. i want him to go because i'm stupid and now i'll be jelouse of this other girl because he's not really mine per say anymore. ick. won't she be thrilled >=\ but nonetheless. then again i don't know how i'll be able to handle seeing him. and maybe seeing her. seeing them together won't help me at all. seeing him and not seeing her would be cool. i want to hang out with him and be stupid. it's going to be so different. i'm kind of in this whole should i wait and see what happens with him or should i move on and just see him as a friend and look for someone else? but my connection with him, for me, just seems like something too good to give up hope on right now. maybe later i'll think there is no hope and move on. i think for now i'll end up just being there - being his friend and at times wishing i was more. woo. nno one ever said we couldn't flirt >=) lol. if i knew how to flirt =/ uh. anyway. i don't know. i wonder what will happen. i'll have to scratch out dates from my calendar i guess =( who knows. i'm still pretty lost. lol.. it's funny how the last post was for him. and now it's like this. well. my feelings for you haven't changed. i was about to say 'they haven't changed, my love'. but mabe that's not appropriate right now. it'll take time to adjust. well. anyway.. they haven't, i still have feelings for you. and you know it and i know it. and i'm pretty sure you've feelings for me too still. i'm kind of in hopes of that saying "if you love something let it go, if it comes back it was yours to keep and if it doesnt it was never yours to begin with"? or somehting along those lines. well. who knows, rite? *Yawn* i'm gonna go try to get some rest. goodnight to anyone who bothered with this.