(no subject)
I'm feeling incredibly odd at the moment. It's 12:40 in the morning and I should be doing more of my work. Instead, i've run to my dear livejournal. I'm sick, i know this.. and maybe that's why i'm feeling peculiar. My body doesn't feel right and I don't feel quite myself. I'm kind of numb. Maybe i'm just sick of everything. I can't bring myself to smile. It's not a bad thing really, just... I don't know. It feel like it would require too much effort. Maybe it's the drugs. By drugs, of course, I mean the Robitussin pill I had. Oh, yes. My room is a miserable site. And the area smells of strawberry from the yogurt I forgot to throw away. I'm feeling frail. The future is such a blur for me. I once knew exactly what I wanted, though it changed constantly. I always knew. And now i'm at a loss. There is someone new in my life and that always changes the future for me. Because I always have a plan and then ... I just don't know. He's so much better off than me though. It's sad, really. I've become everything I never wanted to become. Well... I've imporved at least. I don't drink anymore. I'm not depressed. I don't have a strong death wish. I respect myself now. All these flaws I once had are slowly diminishing. And even though i'm trying to get back up on my feet, it always feels like there's somehting not quite right... I don't know what it is. I guess maybe I require too much. It's the greed. I'm spoiled to the core. I guess it's the fact that reality refuses to present itself to me. I run away from it. Why face it when I don't need to for a few more years? I suppose. I don't really know. My mom told me she and my brother were discussing about how they wondered who I would marry and how they hope I don't fall in love with just my heart. Made that mistake a bit once. I refuse to put up with shit anymore though. They were thinking more along the lines of someone abusive. I could never stand for that. I have such an ugly temper. But it's good in situations like that. Hmm. I just want to hide out for a couple of days somewhere. I just want to run away somewhere and not have to face all of this shit. I'm weary. It's just the piles of homework talking right now, though. It's just so hard to feel like myself, it's like a chore to be me. I know I don't have it as bad as I could or maybe even as bad as I should, but then again how many people are really grateful 24/7 for their good fortune? That's what I thought. Friday will be the ring ceremony. My family wants to attend. Awful awful thing. I know i'll hate it, but I want my ring. Saturday i'll see my beloved and things will be perfect in the world for at least a couple of hours. He should be spending the day over at my house next Monday.. We'll watch When Harry Met Sally because he hasn't seen it... maybe a few other movies. My Best Friend's Wedding. The Wedding Singer? I have it anyway, and it's cute. Just hang out in my room. He said he'd bring his webcam so we can take pictures. And i'll try to have a tape for my video camera to just film him for a bit. That would be so sweet. We'll have some kind of lunch and some kind of dinner. Haven't decided on what yet. And we'll have a walk to the park near my house. The more and more I plan this, the less I think it'll come true. But maybe. Who knows. It's a nice thought. I would like it. Ay. I feel drugged. Maybe the pill did have something... something to help me sleep? Eh. Perhaps. I guess i'll be going. I don't have use to type anymore. Tomorrow will suck and so will Wednesday. Maybe it's too much Bright Eyes. Good-night.