(no subject)
I don't want to be negative. I don't want to badmouth people I love. I don't want to complain...because honestly, things seem like they're getting better (or at least I'm getting better at coping). but DAMN. Right now, hubby is such that he has constant anxiety attacks and rage issues. He just yells when he feels like he's done something wrong. He gets nervous and he yells. He feels like crap and he yells. He's always yelling, and we do better since I've started just praising him when he's yelling, to remind him that he's not a total fuck up, to help him get away from being in that state. Because that's not who he is. But it's been TWO FUCKING YEARS. TWO. I'm not convinced that it's not who he is as much as it's not who he was.
Today's a bad day, can ya tell? I'm sick as a dog. The kids are sick. And he starts yelling about having to leave for work "right now". His shift doesn't start for 2 hours, and he told me he was taking the day off sick because everyone is sick and in pain. I didn't placate him this time because FUCK, I'm sick and tired and hurting and every other fucking day is about him. Seriously. Every day of my life is about how I can make things easier on him. How can I make sure he gets time to take a nap. How can I find something that he doesn't hate so he can spend some time with the kids. And he goes from pissed to rage, and curses and yells, tells me "that's not yelling, you'll know when I'm yelling".
I'm so over this. I want my good husband back, but I'm not even sure that I'd recognize him. This whole thing makes me feel so very, very alone. It took me a long time to find my rhythm with taking care of the kids without much help. It took a long time to stop being stubborn and realize that if hubs doesn't get up the first time I ask him for help, he's not going to do it at all that day. And I can't work. I can't get to know coworkers or have my own identity outside of the house because he can't watch the damn kids. He goes into freak out mode if I leave for more than a quick errand. All of my close friends live out of state, my family lives hours away, and I'm only just now beginning to finally make some new friends...so I don't really have anyone right now, and I should be used to it. I haven't had anyone for 2 years. I don't know where I'm going with this. I just want to be taken care of for one day.
Today's a bad day, can ya tell? I'm sick as a dog. The kids are sick. And he starts yelling about having to leave for work "right now". His shift doesn't start for 2 hours, and he told me he was taking the day off sick because everyone is sick and in pain. I didn't placate him this time because FUCK, I'm sick and tired and hurting and every other fucking day is about him. Seriously. Every day of my life is about how I can make things easier on him. How can I make sure he gets time to take a nap. How can I find something that he doesn't hate so he can spend some time with the kids. And he goes from pissed to rage, and curses and yells, tells me "that's not yelling, you'll know when I'm yelling".
I'm so over this. I want my good husband back, but I'm not even sure that I'd recognize him. This whole thing makes me feel so very, very alone. It took me a long time to find my rhythm with taking care of the kids without much help. It took a long time to stop being stubborn and realize that if hubs doesn't get up the first time I ask him for help, he's not going to do it at all that day. And I can't work. I can't get to know coworkers or have my own identity outside of the house because he can't watch the damn kids. He goes into freak out mode if I leave for more than a quick errand. All of my close friends live out of state, my family lives hours away, and I'm only just now beginning to finally make some new friends...so I don't really have anyone right now, and I should be used to it. I haven't had anyone for 2 years. I don't know where I'm going with this. I just want to be taken care of for one day.