AUs I'm Totally Not Writing, About Boy Band Members
1. Did you know that I ship Zayn Malik/Pepe Reina now.
I don't know. Because fuck you, that's why. Because Zayn is small and brooding and intensely hot and would be all nervously sullen & awed & aroused around Pepe's self-assurance & virility? Because Pepe is a solid wall of sirloin man steak who would get a kick out of Zayn's self-conscious "moody" thing/secret cute awkwardness/awful Wingdings tattoos?
WINGDINGS!!!! Get me out of here and by here I mean my own body.
The One Where Zayn's a Teenage Dad and like, he loves his daughter more than anything and he is really trying so hard to make it work with his tenth-grade girlfriend, but the thing is, they're so young. and they weren't even in love to start out with, exactly, they were just hormone crazy and fucked on the futon in her stepmom's rec room a couple of times, but now it's like this horrible dragged out thing where they're feeling like they're stuck with each other forever and Zayn's exhausted from going to high school AND working 35 hours a week to support his kid. Pepe is a social worker. Later, they do it.
The One Where Zayn Uses His Fake ID To Get Into Open Mic Night at the College Bar and Pepe is the cheerfully jaded bartender who hates only one thing more than college kids, viz., poetry. Zayn is all mumbly in a too-big plaid shirt and a hat shoved down over his whole forehead reading some heavily-Frank-Ocean-inspired monologue off a piece of graph paper and Pepe's watching with him with amusement but also sympathy, because no one in the bar is actually listening to Zayn's (EXTREMELY SEXUAL) cri de coeur because they're all talking and drinking beer. He's also watching because Zayn is like, stupid hot under that idiot hat. Then Zayn is already outside chainsmoking when Pepe goes on his break, and he gives Pepe a light and Pepe jokes around with him, gently, to cheer him up. Later, they do it.
The One Where Seriously Have I Mentioned Zayn Is Some Kind of High School Porn Archetype I Didn't Even Know Existed But Involves Cheap Denim and Fumbling Behind the Bleachers and Smoking In The Boys' Room. Pepe is....a coach? I don't even care. He and Pepe do it in the back parking lot in Zayn's shitty car which smells like nicotine and spilled diet coke.
The One Where I Guess I'm Into Some Dubious Shit and Zayn is a high-end escort or something trying to get ~out of the game~ and Pepe is a police officer on the vice squad. I'm not talking about this one anymore but suffice it to say that he and Pepe definitely do it. VERY CONSENSUALLY.
The One Where Harry Styles Is Also A Child, But I, Rave, Bang Him Into The Stratosphere Anyway. I don't even feel guilty about this one anymore. HE KNOWS WHO HE'S BEEN MARKETING TO. Remember when he got pranked into believing he was responsible for helping a woman give birth and this is how he reacted.
UGH. FUCK OFF.
TAKE YOUR SWEET SOUL AND GIGANTIC DICK WITH YOU.
OH MY GOD, BOTH OF YOU. I'M SERIOUS. GET OUT. YOU ARE A NIGHTMARE. A NIGHTMARE!!!!!!!!! Don't even get me started on how much i love louis. I don't want to talk about it. Yes I do. No I don't. Goodbye, forever.
I don't know. Because fuck you, that's why. Because Zayn is small and brooding and intensely hot and would be all nervously sullen & awed & aroused around Pepe's self-assurance & virility? Because Pepe is a solid wall of sirloin man steak who would get a kick out of Zayn's self-conscious "moody" thing/secret cute awkwardness/awful Wingdings tattoos?
WINGDINGS!!!! Get me out of here and by here I mean my own body.
The One Where Zayn's a Teenage Dad and like, he loves his daughter more than anything and he is really trying so hard to make it work with his tenth-grade girlfriend, but the thing is, they're so young. and they weren't even in love to start out with, exactly, they were just hormone crazy and fucked on the futon in her stepmom's rec room a couple of times, but now it's like this horrible dragged out thing where they're feeling like they're stuck with each other forever and Zayn's exhausted from going to high school AND working 35 hours a week to support his kid. Pepe is a social worker. Later, they do it.
The One Where Zayn Uses His Fake ID To Get Into Open Mic Night at the College Bar and Pepe is the cheerfully jaded bartender who hates only one thing more than college kids, viz., poetry. Zayn is all mumbly in a too-big plaid shirt and a hat shoved down over his whole forehead reading some heavily-Frank-Ocean-inspired monologue off a piece of graph paper and Pepe's watching with him with amusement but also sympathy, because no one in the bar is actually listening to Zayn's (EXTREMELY SEXUAL) cri de coeur because they're all talking and drinking beer. He's also watching because Zayn is like, stupid hot under that idiot hat. Then Zayn is already outside chainsmoking when Pepe goes on his break, and he gives Pepe a light and Pepe jokes around with him, gently, to cheer him up. Later, they do it.
The One Where Seriously Have I Mentioned Zayn Is Some Kind of High School Porn Archetype I Didn't Even Know Existed But Involves Cheap Denim and Fumbling Behind the Bleachers and Smoking In The Boys' Room. Pepe is....a coach? I don't even care. He and Pepe do it in the back parking lot in Zayn's shitty car which smells like nicotine and spilled diet coke.
The One Where I Guess I'm Into Some Dubious Shit and Zayn is a high-end escort or something trying to get ~out of the game~ and Pepe is a police officer on the vice squad. I'm not talking about this one anymore but suffice it to say that he and Pepe definitely do it. VERY CONSENSUALLY.
The One Where Harry Styles Is Also A Child, But I, Rave, Bang Him Into The Stratosphere Anyway. I don't even feel guilty about this one anymore. HE KNOWS WHO HE'S BEEN MARKETING TO. Remember when he got pranked into believing he was responsible for helping a woman give birth and this is how he reacted.
UGH. FUCK OFF.
TAKE YOUR SWEET SOUL AND GIGANTIC DICK WITH YOU.
OH MY GOD, BOTH OF YOU. I'M SERIOUS. GET OUT. YOU ARE A NIGHTMARE. A NIGHTMARE!!!!!!!!! Don't even get me started on how much i love louis. I don't want to talk about it. Yes I do. No I don't. Goodbye, forever.