(no subject)
~*~PART THREE: THEY ARE IN LOVE~*~
Basically, I think that the great slash pairings -- the ones that are based in a certain reading of canon, that extend beyond "this guy is hot and so is that guy and so they should rub their boners together," not that i don't love some hot guy boner-rubbing -- fall into two camps: characters whose relationship blossoms out of a close friendship, and characters whose relationship begins as a study in opposites. Like, Frodo and Sam in The Lord of the Rings have this deep and abiding friendship which can so easily turn to Feelings, but then you have Harry and Draco who are completely different and even hate each other and BAM, also Feelings. Obviously this is a super reductive binary but whatever, I am employing it to Rhetorical Effect!
What makes Criska so great as a pairing, then, is the degree to which it's a combination of both these thematic frameworks. Like, there are so many elements about their personalities that are diametrically opposed: Cris is gregarious and cocky, whereas Ricky is humble and more retiring; Cris enjoys the company of ladies with shiny hair and legs that could kill a man, whereas Ricky did not have a sex before the marriage. If Cris is a Ferrari, then Ricky is, idk, a Volkswagon Jetta. (And now I'm in some weird anthro Pixar "Cars" place, so I'll just stop right there.)
But here's the thing... they're friends! They support one another's life choices, they appreciate each other's talents without any sense of rivalry, and they genuinely support one another. Like, I could bring up a ton of examples that would just sound like fanfic plotlines -- Cris stood by Ricky when he was injured and the media all wanted to write him off! Ricky is Cris's biggest defender when people try to talk up Messi at his expense! -- and they're all true. They're both perfectionists, both people who are extremely hard on themselves. You can see it on the pitch, whenever they miss a shot. In Cris's case, it gets written as arrogance, but -- as we have shrieked about in the foregoing sections -- it's really this unceasing desire to be worthy. And he never has to doubt his own worthiness in Ricky’s eyes. Like, Ricky is always going to say that Cris is the best player in the world, and he's always going to believe it. And in return, Cris is always going to look at Ricky like he's made of gold and rainbows (which let's face it he prolly is).
Basically, these two are so, so, SO cute about each other that sometimes it actually makes my stomach hurt. It's so precious, and so numerous in its instances of preciousness, that I find it impossible to organize. So I guess we'll just do this roughly by season? and then have a bunch of, uh, other categories at the end? Cool, yes.
PS fair warning that this will be full of the kind of crazy subjective microanalysis that gives RPS a bad name. Also, if you’re not into that then why are you here.
BEFORE THEY WERE TEAMMATES
This picture was taken in 2007, two years before they actually played together. Note that they're already mooning at each other like two starry-eyed summer camp sweethearts.
When Cris was on Manchester United and Ricky was on AC Milan, they already had huge gay hero worship crushes on each other.
mah life is brilliant
mah love is pure
i saw an angel
of that i'm suuure
Which they sometimes demonstrated during games between their respective national teams.
Fun fact: Before they ever played together, Ricky voted for Cris for world's best player of the year. Here's his ballot!
He explained his choice: "He is the best, not only for his technical ability but also for what he has done with Portugal."
SUPPORTIVE PROTO-BOYFRIENDS
2009-2010
They were both signed to RM at the same time, and it was a very, very big deal. Both were considered the top players in the game -- including by each other -- and both transfers were mad expensive. They didn't act like fancy racehorses, though. They acted like adorable teenagers who were sort of dazed and delighted to be in each other's company.
Click to viewPlease enjoy Cris’s face of insane, idiotic admiration, and the part where Ricky says Cris was the best player he’s ever played against, and Cris agrees that Ricky is the best player he’s ever played with. Then they high-five and giggle like schoolgirls.
~*~CHEEKY LAUGH~*~
mte, stephen.
You know when you were fourteen and you went to the comic book store to buy a pair of Mulder and Scully action figures? And then you spent the whole summer before ninth grade posing them in various combinations and places and taking photos on your shitty digital camera?
Basically that was the official Real Madrid publicity strategy that summer after they signed together.
That is not the shirt of a human who does not work at a muscle bar, Cristiano.
Apparently this pose says "badass."
Stone cold. I like this photo, because it is just so bizarre and out of character for the goofiest sunbeam sprites ever.
one time they walked into a press conference with their arms tenderly around each other. normal soccer athlete stuff.
these giggly slapfight flirt monsters i s2g
As I gather, it was pretty much like this all season.
AHHH YES, MY SOUTH AMERICAN BEAUTY, I KNOW THAT YOU PINE FOR THE LANDS OF THE BARBARIAN KING YOUR FATHER. BUT SOON I HOPE YOU WILL CEASE TO MOURN, FOR NOW THAT YOU ARE MY BRIDE, ALL MY REALMS ARE YOURS. AND PERHAPS ONE DAY YOU MAY EVEN LEARN TO LOVE ME.
RM paired them up in their Christmas Greetings video that year. It legitimately looks like the email you get from your cute gay uncles that they recorded on their webcam.
and then your grandma sends out a reply all message that is like OH MY DEAR CRISTIANO I WISH YOU A VERY HAPPY CHRISTMAS AS WELL AND TO YOUR FRIEND RICKY PLEASE GIVE HIM MY LOVE THIS IS YOUR GRANDMA ON THE COMPUTER WITH LOVE FROM, GRANDMA.
that scintillating dialogue. “An...I wish...a gut year.” “For errbody.” Who wouldn’t fall over laughing? Who wouldn’t cling to Ricky like he just delivered the Zinger Of The Century? Not Cris, that’s who!
Other things boyfriends do...
Share cardigans.
nnnnaaauughhh
"Yes, we are friends off the field too. We are young, I’m married and he’s not but we have similar interests. Therefore, we have no problem to have this friendship. Cristiano is the best, there is no need to talk of his quality, we all know he is a great footballer, but I like also him as a friend."
Tee hee hur dee hur hur
They filmed a promo on a rooftop. BECAUSE REAL MADRID. BECAUSE WHY NOT.
Ricky got all giggly and impressed at Cris's daring in getting near the edge, but when he tried to do the same thing, Cris was super not into it.
“uhhhh ricky you’re pretty close to the edge there ricky no i know you’re not scared of heights but i would really prefer if you just -- okay phew.”
“Is that a picture of me? Nooo, I look terrible. I’m blinking. ARE YOU MAKING IT YOUR WALLPAPER”
frolicking lambs.
ricky are you making mischief
omg he's cold. pumpkin.
cris's face buried in his shoulder LEAVE ME ALONE
reproachful tickles
hop hop hop hop hop
Cris's fixation on Ricky's hair is constant and understandable.
”no reason. i just felt like it.”
Friends torment friends together, la la la la.
O SORRY JERZY BUT ACCORDING TO MY WATCH IT’S HUGS O’CLOCK
ricky's face
DON'T LOOK AT ME RIGHT NOW!!!!
:| talk talk talk
:D TALK?
omg you can't say that stuff, xavi is right there
"omg ricky you're so funny. you're like the funniest person ever."
mirroring, as we all learned from "clueless," is the #1 symptom of mutual sexual attraction
they even had a super seekrit handshake
BACK TO MY CAVE WITH YOU
the ducky of goal celebration. what does it mean? no one knows but it’s beautiful.
IT MEANS ROMANCE, OK. THAT IS WHAT IT MEANS.
there was this. which, lbr, is essentially this:
MOTHERFUCKIN HUGS TIME
They were super psyched to exchange shirts after the Brazil-Portugal game in 2010’s world cup, but Ricky was red carded and sent off (UNPRECEDENTED!). So they went to the locker room and took their shirts off for each other there, instead. cool! super not homoerotic.
2010-2011
10-11 was actually kind of a sad season bc ricky was badly injured for most of the time -- he was said to have essentially played the world cup on one leg -- and he haaaaaated it.
he grew a depression beard and looked like hell.
cris loved him anyway.
--eventually he got better, sort of, and got to play again. But we were all really nervous about what would happen. Here’s an El País article about what went on in the tunnel before the Almería game, Kaká’s first match as a starter since his injury. HINT: IT WAS REALLY CUTE AND INVOLVED CRIS!
“Casillas was silent. Behind him, Sergio Ramos was greeting teammates and rivals: Alonso, Albiol, Uche, Carlos García, M’Bami, Khedira, Arbeloa…
The two lines went forward towards the light and then Kaká appeared. He smiled as he walked, and Marcelo pushed him to keep going. But then Kaká stopped; he had forgotten something.
Marcelo went on towards the field. Di María and Özil also passed by Kaká and he stared back towards the locker room. He didn’t move until he saw the head of his inseparable friend appear, the only one that defended him without making fun of him, when all of his colleagues had accused him of giving up, one year ago. Kaká didn’t move until Cristiano came up to him and patted him on the butt. Kaká was going to start a game for the first time since March of last year.”
ricky made an absolutely beautiful comeback, though. and cris was so, so proud.
and ricky latched onto him with affection so strong it almost looked like grief.
Ricky was so, so so happy to be on the field and playing well again that his happiness actually healed Cris’s knee.
It was amazing!
Cris was also super excited to have Ricky back!
like, he was very, uh
very super excited.
Here are some more highlights from that season.
cris let me show you the dance of my people, it is called
the samba
aww, ricky's like a lost little puppy
Basically.
”yeah i’m just gonna hang out here. right here, in your neck/shoulder juncture. just for as long as is socially acceptable.”
“baby. your hat’s all wonky. ugh, you’re so cute.”
ricky's face is like an actual puppy.
When Cris broke the league record for number of goals scored, Ricky basically had an aneurysm of pride and joy.
Ricky's hand cradling his face and the back of his neck. stick a fork in me. i'm done. (bonus for marcelo being a precious sunshower as he clings to cris's back.)
cris’s wee head way down there. baby.
CRIS YOUR FACE IS REALLY STUPID RIGHT NOW JSYK
2011-2012
during preseason, ricky basically wrote “property of kaka” on cris’s arm
THIS REALLY HAPPENED! People thought he'd gotten a tattoo! It seemed plausible that he would get that as a tattoo!
I'll stop shipping you guys as soon as you stop openly cruising each other in front of cameras.
UGHGHGHGHHGH
8) i luv u
oh yeah remember that time they adopted a child together
&
sometimes ricky whispers things that i feel certain are totally trolly and offensive. afterwards he always looks super adorable and pleased with himself. whatever he says, they are the only things that make cris smile when he feels like he just fucked up.
“oh honey your tag is sticking out. it’s okay, i got it.”
group hugs are mostly just an excuse for them to touch each other, risking hyperextension if necessary
&
I SERIOUSLY CANNOT OVERSTATE TO YOU HOW THIS WAS THE FUCKING CUTEST THING EVER. Look at them deciding that group hug was insufficient hug times for the two of them! Look at Ricky popping up like a gopher! LOOK AT THEIR FACES AAAAAAAGHGHGHH
UGH
&
shall we daaance on a bright cloud of music shall we flyyyy
&
:|
cris's little bounce, i can't. "CMERE RICKY CMERE CMERE IT'S HUGS TIME RICKY"
i really can't imagine what he's saying here other than ”you are the most beautiful person in the world and i have always believed in you”
If you can tear your eyes away from Marcelo being the sweetest potato in the land, you will see Flirts Town, Population These Two Jerks.
WHAT GROWN MAN HUGS LIKE THIS OH MY SWEET RICKY
”well a-no duh he’s gonna score, that is why i’m already celebrating.”
&
One time they entered a crowd arm in arm, like fucking William and Kate.
Did you know Cris gets insanely, terrifyingly psyched when Ricky scores?
HE DOES!
AND IT IS AWFUL.
HORRIFYING JOY FACE/THIGH HUG COMBO
observe the leg lift for optimal humping.
I like how Cris freezes after this pass. Like, he's not even preparing to follow-up or anything. "I'm just gonna give you this ball and wait for you to do something amazing with it. good plan."
romance novel cover
romance novel in motion.
oh hey remember when this was cris's facebook picture?
Cris’s hand inside Ricky's coat. Ricky's nestle into Cris's shoulder. you know what, just leave me here; leave me for the wolves to devour.
One time Cris scored and Ricky wasn't on the field so Cris sprinted to the bench for hugs.
ALL THE HUGS.
Oh, and there was this time, when I was like “oh so you guys are just gonna straight up make out now?”
^
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cris’s head buried in ricky’s shoulder. i actually can’t.
This season we managed to beat our rivals, in their stadium, in large part due to a MONSTROUS cris performance. THIS NEVER HAPPENS, so naturally at the end of the game basically everyone was delirious and weepy with joy and the exorcism of years of trauma. Cris, however, managed to hold in his customary tears (barely) through celebrations with his little german adoptee...
...and his ecstatic captain...
...and his besties.
In fact, he held them in until Ricky shouldered onto the field and got his hands on him, at which time
he tenderly lost it into Ricky’s shoulder. (and so did i, into my cat.)
Ricky didn’t play in the final game when we won the league, but he sure did hustle onto the field to congratulate Cris when it happened.
UGH, IT'S NOT EVEN THAT THEY'RE DOING ANYTHING THAT REMARKABLE, it's just that everything they do is suffused with this weird tenderness. Like, is Cris nuzzling Ricky's ear? What are Ricky's lovely fingers in his hair and trailing down the back of his neck? What is all of it? Take me away from this place, and by this place I mean tear my soul from my body and send it wafting gently into the stars.
2012-2013
Preseason this summer has been a fraught affair, mainly due to the whole Ricky transfer drama. Cristiano played in the European Championship tournament and put in an unbelievable, team-carrying performance to take Portugal to the semifinals, only to lose on penalty kicks in heartbreaking fashion. Because of this, he was late to arrive in preseason training with Madrid, and their reunion was somewhat delayed.
Since they've been back together, though, it has been cuddles and sunshine 24/7.
Mesmerized by Ricky's thighs.
Stretching buddies!
March of the dorklings.
Ricky telling Cris all about how he spent his summer vacation -- "And then we went to Disney World!"
(He really did go to Disney World this summer tho.)
FLIRTY FLIRT FLIRT HEE HEE FLIRT FLIRT OH U. It's been like two months since Cris got to caress Ricky's hair, so he has a lot of touching to make up for.
Cris has taken the "magical thinking" approach to Ricky's future, apparently: "Whether Kaka will leave the club or not is a decision he has to take himself, but I think he will stay here. For me his is one of the best players in the world, and all the best players have to be at Real Madrid."
Cris gave this quote after a friendly match played against AC Milan at Yankee Stadium, in which he and Ricky had their first minutes of playing time together, and scored their first Criska goal of the season -- Cris's ball, off Ricky's assist.
Oh, hey, it looks like they've finally figured out how to be professional in front of other people and interact in a way that's not glaringly erotic.
Never mind.
[click for an almost painfully hq version of that pic -- every one of ricky's flyaways in glorious detail!]
I like how it looks like Cris just lets go, for a long moment, in that hug.
yeats was there. It was even more magical in person.
His face after they separated. Forever dead.
CRISFACE
Sometimes Cris gives Ricky this. Face. I'm not going to try to explain it: let's just put on some Dusty Springfield and observe it in action.
literally *______*
Like, what explanation even is there for this, other than "desperately erotic blowjob yearning face." I don't have one, and I'm a WRITER!
*Ricky has nothing to do with this goal, btw. He has accomplished nothing that is being celebrated. It’s Higuain’s goal (the guy behind them), which Cris assisted. But Cris feels compelled to tenderly caress Ricky’s face anyway and to gaze at him with eyes that simultaneously say “you are the most amazing and beautiful creature i have ever beheld” and “do me on it.”
Normal bro face.
okay so like, this picture.
you look at it and you think, haha, wow, that looks SUPER like cris is in the throes of erotic ecstasy. but it is clearly just one photo and he happened to blink. he is not actually swooning into ricky’s touch like a romantic heroine.
BUT YOU ARE WRONG!
IT WENT ON FOR, LIKE
A REALLY LONG TIME!
faces
really cris
really
The slightly more elusive/less obvious Rickyface.
I would describe this as "oh shit I think I might be in love with you" face on Ricky's part.
Sorry, Sergio. Ricky has no time for your hug right now. There's a Cris for him to lose his shit over.
THE WHOLE TEAM SHIPS IT
mesut’s like “that’s cool, i realize this hug isn’t really about me at all”
gargoyles pepe and marcelo protect their idyll
”oh you kids. you’re cute.”
"are you kidding, who WOULDN'T be your third." --iker casillas.
Aitor’s face. “oh good they're hugging again for no reason. sounds gr8. are you guys filming this?”
RM dot com ships them pretty much continuously, cf:
THEY GET SUPER PROTECTIVE ABOUT EACH OTHER
~*~GAYDOM IN INTERVIEWS~*~
“It’s a pleasure to play alongside Kaká; at his side everything is much easier.”
(Cristiano to MARCA, November 29, 2009)
“It is so much better to be playing by his side.”
(Kakà on Cristiano, to realmadrid.com, January 9, 2011)
Ugh, the way these two jerks talk about each other. Ricky is basically Cris’s PR guy; Cris tends to be more tightlipped about the things he loves, but boy does he ever think Ricky is great. Let’s just itemize it.
Cris, on Ricky
Ricky, on Cris
INTERVIEWER: “Who is your favourite player in La Liga and why?”
Kaká: “Cristiano Ronaldo is definitely my favourite. He’s an allround player and combines all the quality elements needed to be the best. I train with him every day and I know his talents. He’s without fail the best player in La Liga.
One time, an interviewer suggested that (perennial media-fueled rival) Lionel Messi was a more complete athlete than Cris. Ricky made this face.
"that's sad. it must be sad to be so fucking dumb and wrong."
The whole interview is amazing for Ricky’s barely-concealed contempt and trolling, but perhaps best of all is this exchange (you can ignore the imperfect translation, because these faces speak every language) when Ricky patiently explains what the word “complete” means, and why Cris suits it better than whoever you were thinking of, you dumb piece of shit:
I love this. Ricky does not get mad in interviews. DOES NOT GET MAD EVER. But he is pressed about this question and it’s wonderful.
The interviewer’s face is priceless. Beautiful Ricky. Never change.
At 2:06 comes this amazingly awk cuteness, where the interviewer tells Cris that they had a poll about who was hotter, him or Kakà? And Cris is pleased at first, but then clearly such a terrible loser that he’s genuinely a little bummed about the fact that Kaka won (“IT WAS IN BRAZIL? SO OF COURSE KAKA WINS”). Of course then he immediately turns it into a soliloquy about how much he loves Kaka and how much he misses him and how they talk all the time and how excited he was to meet him and how they braided each other’s hair into friendship bracelets or whatever. Then the interviewer tries to make him feel better, which ends up going like this.
INTERVIEWER: He did win. But it was very close, you almost beat him in Brazil!
CRIS: [bashfully] Really? Well, he is beautiful. He deserves it, he deserves it.
russell_crowe: cris's face when the guys says ricky won
is honest to god like what happens when like, someone tells someone their girlfriend is so pretty
that weird pride entirely on the girlfriend's behalf
SHE IS, ISN'T SHE
dorkorific: it is that face. exactly.
"it's true, she's really beautiful." :]
IN CONCLUSION:
THE END