why am i awake
ugh....i wish i was asleep.My tummy hurts, cramps i don't like em. And my fuckin tooth is killin me as usual.And i have nothing. Terri basically gave me an untilmatium lastnight,without actually saying it.but thats so she can have room to not be at balme if i flip out. ugh my lifes so fucking pointless.i am really sick of having her in my life. i just want to start fresh, be free...and not have my mom and grandma and kevin breathing down my neck.i am so pathetic and selfish and dont even deserve to live with the way i'm living...basically using terri becasue it's what works for the moment. i haven't had a melt down in a while...but if i dont change something my lovely little pattern is in full cycle and about to repeat itself again. im sick of going crazy to get motovation.is this really the life i want, no. so whats the issue? there shouldn't be one i guess. but im kinda tired of ripping terris heart out and then telling her i love her just because its safe,what i know and im too pathetic to do anything for myself and i know as long as i got her why not. and she asked me to do it like get a job to help our relationship, and im like thinking if you are gunna expect me to stay with you your crazy all i need is to get back on my feet and i wont need to use you anymore.i used to be ashamed to be this honest.but fuck im doing it infront of everyone everyday atleast i have the balls to own my own fucked up lost insane selfish shit.so dont judge me,i need get a job.then alot of this will be dismissed