FIC: My Girlfriend, Who Lives in Canada
Fanfic masterlist here.
Title: My Girlfriend, Who Lives In Canada
Length: 1,370 words
Rating: G
Warnings: N/A
Genre: lmfao
Characters, Pairings: America, Canada
Summary: Look, Canada is totally culturally significant, particularly with regards to the existence of a my absolutely real girlfriend, who lives there.
Notes: Filled for the Hetalia Kink Meme. Original request: " Any/Any Human AU: A keeps talking about how his penpal B is his boy/girlfriend."
“Look, it’s not kwe-bek, it’s kay-bek!”
“Who cares.”
“Do you like being a culturally insensitive ignoramus? Idiot.”
“Oh my god, I am this close to throwing someone off the building. It’s probably you. Shut up, Alfred. Seriously.”
“Wha- You shut up! You’re the one who started it!”
“And I deeply regret it, all right? I regret anything that involves you blabbing on and on about your imaginary girlfriend for hours-”
“Wha- Mattie is not an imaginary girlfriend! She’s totally real!”
“As real as unicorns, sure.”
“How dare you.”
Twenty minutes later, Alfred and Yao were forcibly separated, seated in a meeting room with a broken door in front of the managers who’d broken up the fight.
“Mattie is real,” Alfred said sulkily, “And Yao was wrong for completely dismissing the cultural significance of Quebec. William Shatner was born there!”
“Yes, all right, stop it,” Bonnefoy, the HR Manager, quickly interjected, “Jones, you’re getting into fights every week over Canada. Is there something going on?”
Alfred turned red.
“I’m 100% made in America, totally patriotic, McD’s is my religion,” he tried to quickly explain, but it was too late. The other employees on their floor had begun talking over him to Bonnefoy and to each other.
“He’s got an imaginary girlfriend in Canada.”
“Every time we try to make him prove it, he can’t.”
“Why d’you want to date a girl so far away, anyway?”
“Long-distance relationships are hard. It’s admirable.”
“Yeah, if ‘Mattie’ was real.”
“Hey, Mister Bonn, d’you know what we call him? Alfred ‘My Girlfriend, Who Lives In Canada’ Jones.”
“You’re lying to yourself, Al.”
“I think he wants to live in Canada, frankly.”
“Well, their gun crimes are a lot lower.”
“And so is their gun ownership.”
“That is patently untrue,” Alfred said hotly, “Gun ownership in Canada isn’t significantly lower, it’s just that gun-related violence is-”
“ALL RIGHT, OKAY, SETTLE DOWN.”
Everyone fell silent.
“Jones doesn’t have to prove to anyone whether or not he has a Canadian girlfriend,” Bonnefoy scowled at the mob, “And Jones, while your interest in Canadian culture and politics is admirable, you need to get your act together and stop getting into fights.”
“Yes sir,” Alfred muttered.
“Wang, you were picking a fight with Jones. Again. Stop it.”
“…Yes sir.”
“Honestly, you’re supposed to be adults,” Bonnefoy sighed, “You’re lucky I caught this and no one was cut open. This happen again, I mean it Jones, I’ll sack you so fast, you’ll be wondering if Sulu beamed you all the way to Mars.”
“Scotty,” Alfred muttered.
“Whatever. Get back to work.”
=====
Alfred spat all over his screen.
merikka: Seriously?!
Mattie: Yup! I’ve got the ticket booking page open in front of me right now. Just wanted to know if you could lend me your couch or something.
merikka: Oh dude! Do you even have to ask? I’ll take Friday and Monday off!
Mattie: Aw, Al you don’t have to do that for me.
merikka: You kidding? We’ve known each other for a decade and this is the first time we’re meeting. We’re going to eat hotdogs and shop and watch a Broadway show and eat cupcakes and take pictures and shop and ride the subway and eat donuts and watch cartoons and drink girly alcoholic drinks and cry over Batman until we’re sick.
Mattie: … that sounds kind of bad.
merikka: THIS IS MERIKKAAAA. We don’t do anything halfway!
Mattie: Oh, all right, it’s not everyday I get to go on holiday. So I’ll arrive Thursday night?
merikka: Sure thing! I’ll pick you up from the airport and send you back Monday night. Nice long weekend.
Mattie: Okay… and the trip’s confirmed!
merikka: A+++ dude this weekend is going to be so boss everyone’s going to be jelly
Mattie: I’m so excited!
Alfred sighed happily as he grabbed a wet rag from the kitchen and began to diligently clean his computer screen. Life was amazing. So what if Yao spiked his orange juice with chilli sauce after giving him a heckuva black eye and cut lip? He was going to have the best weekend ever.
=====
“So, your girlfriend’s coming over, huh?”
Alfred’s smile faded somewhat.
“What’s with that look? I’m on your Skype.”
Yeah, okay, maybe the capslocked MATTIE IS COMING THIS WEEKEND OMG SO EXCITE wasn’t the brightest idea. Alfred tried to keep the smile on his face.
“Yeah, Mattie’s coming. We’re going to watch a Broadway show and everything.”
“Sounds nice. Will we finally get to meet her?”
“Uh. What?”
“Lay off, Arthur,” Sadiq said, “He’s finally going to get some alone time with his girl, don’t spoil it for him.”
“I’m not trying to spoil it or anything, he’s just been going on and on about her, I thought it would be nice to see what he’s so crazy about. Besides, weren’t we going to have a get-together this Saturday? He and Mattie can just pop in for a bit.”
Some passers-by were starting to peek in at the water fountain.
“Someone say Mattie’s in town?”
“This weekend,” Arthur replied.
“Oh, wow. Al, you totally have to introduce her.”
Alfred felt himself go cold. “W-What?”
“Yeah, dude! Mattie’s like Nessie, you gotta prove she’s not a hoax.”
“Don’t be such a child, Bonnefoy said yesterday that Al didn’t have to prove anything.”
“No way dude, I just want to meet the girl that’s driving this guy to be Canadian.”
“Well, come on Al, what d’you say?”
“Your girlfriend’s real? I really want to meet her!”
“Real deal!”
“Come on, dude!”
“Do Canadians really say ‘eh’ a lot?”
“What’s the harm, Al?”
Alfred really, really wanted to say no. He didn’t have anything to prove. He’d been waiting ten years to meet Mattie. Why would he want to share Mattie with a bunch of losers who picked fights with him because they didn’t understand why poutine was actually pretty great?
“Sure,” he said with false bravado, “We’ll stop by for a while.”
Later, Alfred Jones would scream into a cushion in his apartment
=====
To be completely fair, Alfred forgot all about his promise to his office when Mattie arrived. First, he was somewhat surprised to find that Mattie was short for Matthew. Second, apparently Matthew was a guy’s name. Go figure. He just tended to run into girls all the time on the Internet, so he’d assumed… All the same, they’d been friends for so long, Alfred found he didn’t actually care that Mattie was a guy. He looked very cute, almost androgynous, and was 100% a sweetheart. Thursday night was a quick takeout dinner and an early night, because they spent all of Friday in town.
And then, Alfred got The Phonecall.
“Mattie,” Alfred said with a slight waver long after he had hung up, “Please help.”
“What’s wrong, Al?”
“Everyone in my office thinks you’re my girlfriend, who lives in Canada.”
Mattie chuckled, “Okay.”
“I didn’t necessarily correct them.”
He rolled his eyes and flopped down on the couch next to Alfred. “I assume you want me to pretend to be your Canadian boyfriend, then?”
“Well, uh, we did buy a dress earlier, even if it was for your mother. And your hair’s nice and fluffy. I mean, you could totally pass off as a flat-chested, deep-voiced chick. I mean, I’d date you.”
“…Seriously, Al?”
“It’s not that I don’t want to call you my boyfriend instead, it’s just that there are going to be so many repercussions in the office amongst that den of wildebeests if I say, ‘Guys sorry Mattie’s actually my boyfriend, I just didn’t know how to come out of the closet,’ because they act like schoolchildren and will give me never-ending flak about my inability to face my sexuality, even though I’ve never said anything about being straight,” Alfred took a pause, “It’s very Alpha Male and heteronormative there.”
Mattie sighed, “What if I politely decline for you over the phone?”
“That could also work. Except they’ll say I made you up or that I’m a coward. Unless I develop hickeys or something to denote us getting ‘lost in each other’, so to speak.”
Mattie sighed and got to his feet, “You know what? I’ll go get the dress.”