The relative problem
http://www.speakingofchina.com/ask-the-yangxifu/chinese-parents-pressure-baby/
Chinese relatives get a bad rap, and the advice we usually get in the foreignsphere is pretty close to the stuff in the link.
But like, doesn't it just seem like, y'know...a headache? While people say most Chinese families get along like this, and then excuse it with some nebulous bullshit about how the joy and warmth of family makes it all worthwhile, I say different.
My wife's parents are terrified of her. She's a holy fucking terror when she's angry, and her parents actually kicked her out because of her tantrums. And they don't dare try to make decisions for her, or interfere in what she's up to. And complaints from them any more vocal than brief asides are met with a simple answer: "fuck off". She loves them, and we have a very close relationship with them, but the lines are clear and have been from the beginning: no comments about kids, no talks about money and responsibility, no demands for gifts and filial piety bullshit. We're all capable independent adults, and give each other the mutual respect that we deserve. Plenty of the rest of my friends have similar arrangements with their families.
Yes, some Chinese families may be "traditional" and "closer than Western families", I find a much more useful dichotomy is between functional and dysfunctional families. Sometimes weird codependent kids and naggy, lonely, controlling parents aren't symptoms of a more communal culture, they're just dysfunctional. Chinese people are just as capable of telling their parents to fuck off and mind their own business as Westerners and every other human being on the planet are, and Chinese parents are just as capable of respecting their children's life choices as any other grownups. My nice, straightforward, drama-free relationship with my parents-in-law is proof.
I'll post more on this later, but none of the particulars of my marriage and relationship with my parents are very interesting. You have parents, you have friends with parents, you have dated and met other people's parents, and you might even be married to someone with parents. You know what's up with inlaws. The fact that mine are Chinese doesn't make them any different than yours. Thank god they're normal, or I might be tempted to conflate their culture and their personal problems too. Luckily I don't have to.
Chinese relatives get a bad rap, and the advice we usually get in the foreignsphere is pretty close to the stuff in the link.
But like, doesn't it just seem like, y'know...a headache? While people say most Chinese families get along like this, and then excuse it with some nebulous bullshit about how the joy and warmth of family makes it all worthwhile, I say different.
My wife's parents are terrified of her. She's a holy fucking terror when she's angry, and her parents actually kicked her out because of her tantrums. And they don't dare try to make decisions for her, or interfere in what she's up to. And complaints from them any more vocal than brief asides are met with a simple answer: "fuck off". She loves them, and we have a very close relationship with them, but the lines are clear and have been from the beginning: no comments about kids, no talks about money and responsibility, no demands for gifts and filial piety bullshit. We're all capable independent adults, and give each other the mutual respect that we deserve. Plenty of the rest of my friends have similar arrangements with their families.
Yes, some Chinese families may be "traditional" and "closer than Western families", I find a much more useful dichotomy is between functional and dysfunctional families. Sometimes weird codependent kids and naggy, lonely, controlling parents aren't symptoms of a more communal culture, they're just dysfunctional. Chinese people are just as capable of telling their parents to fuck off and mind their own business as Westerners and every other human being on the planet are, and Chinese parents are just as capable of respecting their children's life choices as any other grownups. My nice, straightforward, drama-free relationship with my parents-in-law is proof.
I'll post more on this later, but none of the particulars of my marriage and relationship with my parents are very interesting. You have parents, you have friends with parents, you have dated and met other people's parents, and you might even be married to someone with parents. You know what's up with inlaws. The fact that mine are Chinese doesn't make them any different than yours. Thank god they're normal, or I might be tempted to conflate their culture and their personal problems too. Luckily I don't have to.