fanfic time!
So I wrote a fanfic. It is mostly about Ruka and Juri from SKU. Mostly. No title yet.
He knows he loves her and he's gotten to the point that he can't deny it to himself, not that it would make a difference one way or another if he accepted it or continued to deny it. She is unaware, or pretending to be and he is content, in a way, to let things remain the way they are. He's happy to be near her, to do his part to nurture the talent that might as well be coming out of her ears and drives her farther than the others around her and will one day farther than him - despite her lack of focus. She does too many things at once and that might break a lesser person but not her. She looks up to him inasmuch as she looks up to anyone and he is happy to have some measure of importance in her life.
But it's not quite right to say that he is content to let things remain as they are. He allows things to continue unchanged because he is desperately afraid of losing her, more than he has ever been afraid of anything in his life. He knows that she doesn't love him, that she can't love him - it is not a man that she longs for and it has been an open secret between them since the beginning, and while she speaks of her own heart rarely her affections have only ever had one subject.
He knows this and bitterly resents this girl who also doesn't know how the one who loves her feels and indeed toyed with her and broke her heart. He knows it's unfair to blame the girl, that she didn't know how the other felt, but having seen how much pain she put her former friend who loves her so much through, he blames the girl and blames her bitterly.
He can't quite bring himself to shift any of the blame to his own love, as his actions mirror hers almost exactly. If he were capable of being more rational he'd see that if they just talked about things they would b better. But he won't talk to her and she won't talk either the fear of loss runs too deep to be countered by mere rational thought.
So things remain as they are and on the surface everyone is happy but beneath that no one is. They go through the motions of their daily lives and nobody really knows how anyone else feels. On some level they all believe that this is normal and that communication about such things simply shouldn't be done. they must because there is no logical explanation for why they behave the way they do.
He isn't aware that he resents the one he loves. While not the playboy of the campus he has never wanted for female attention and yet the crowds of girls screaming his name at his matches mean nothing to him, and while he does date on occasion he never takes a steady girlfriend because none of them can keep his attention for long. He resents her for the same reason that he loves her, the fact that she is not like those girls and rather than standing on the sidelines squealing his name and sending him unsigned love letters doused in perfume she picks up a foil and steps into the ring, caring no more for his opinion than that of any other fencer more seasoned than herself..
He finds the playboy a fool, as said playboy feels that every girl's sole desire is to be a princess and will fall for any man who treats her as such. Doubtless he only keeps track of his conquests with a little black book, but every conquest he has attempted he has succeeded. He hasn't attempted this one though, never seemed to consider her worth pursuing. Perhaps he knew he'd fail if he tried.
He could be a playboy too, if he really wanted to, but he never has. He prefers instead to spar with the one who will never be his. But his love and his resentment grow side by side and as his health fails he is less and less sure that he made the right decision.
He can't bring himself to say goodbye. Instead he leaves a letter in her locker saying only that she has the potential to be far better than he ever was, the he expects her to pursue it and that he hopes he'll see her again. She'll be furious, he knows this, but better for her to hate him than to feel nothing at all.
He knows he loves her and he's gotten to the point that he can't deny it to himself, not that it would make a difference one way or another if he accepted it or continued to deny it. She is unaware, or pretending to be and he is content, in a way, to let things remain the way they are. He's happy to be near her, to do his part to nurture the talent that might as well be coming out of her ears and drives her farther than the others around her and will one day farther than him - despite her lack of focus. She does too many things at once and that might break a lesser person but not her. She looks up to him inasmuch as she looks up to anyone and he is happy to have some measure of importance in her life.
But it's not quite right to say that he is content to let things remain as they are. He allows things to continue unchanged because he is desperately afraid of losing her, more than he has ever been afraid of anything in his life. He knows that she doesn't love him, that she can't love him - it is not a man that she longs for and it has been an open secret between them since the beginning, and while she speaks of her own heart rarely her affections have only ever had one subject.
He knows this and bitterly resents this girl who also doesn't know how the one who loves her feels and indeed toyed with her and broke her heart. He knows it's unfair to blame the girl, that she didn't know how the other felt, but having seen how much pain she put her former friend who loves her so much through, he blames the girl and blames her bitterly.
He can't quite bring himself to shift any of the blame to his own love, as his actions mirror hers almost exactly. If he were capable of being more rational he'd see that if they just talked about things they would b better. But he won't talk to her and she won't talk either the fear of loss runs too deep to be countered by mere rational thought.
So things remain as they are and on the surface everyone is happy but beneath that no one is. They go through the motions of their daily lives and nobody really knows how anyone else feels. On some level they all believe that this is normal and that communication about such things simply shouldn't be done. they must because there is no logical explanation for why they behave the way they do.
He isn't aware that he resents the one he loves. While not the playboy of the campus he has never wanted for female attention and yet the crowds of girls screaming his name at his matches mean nothing to him, and while he does date on occasion he never takes a steady girlfriend because none of them can keep his attention for long. He resents her for the same reason that he loves her, the fact that she is not like those girls and rather than standing on the sidelines squealing his name and sending him unsigned love letters doused in perfume she picks up a foil and steps into the ring, caring no more for his opinion than that of any other fencer more seasoned than herself..
He finds the playboy a fool, as said playboy feels that every girl's sole desire is to be a princess and will fall for any man who treats her as such. Doubtless he only keeps track of his conquests with a little black book, but every conquest he has attempted he has succeeded. He hasn't attempted this one though, never seemed to consider her worth pursuing. Perhaps he knew he'd fail if he tried.
He could be a playboy too, if he really wanted to, but he never has. He prefers instead to spar with the one who will never be his. But his love and his resentment grow side by side and as his health fails he is less and less sure that he made the right decision.
He can't bring himself to say goodbye. Instead he leaves a letter in her locker saying only that she has the potential to be far better than he ever was, the he expects her to pursue it and that he hopes he'll see her again. She'll be furious, he knows this, but better for her to hate him than to feel nothing at all.