(no subject)
So let's see. The past eighteen hours or so have pretty much been the worst of my life. We'll start off there.
So Sean and i were talking online and he seemed kind of weird, but i thought he was just still depressed. And he said something to the extent of "I'm just happier when I'm alone." and i said "ok" cause he said that before. and i figured it meant he wanted to break up. but last time, he said he didn't want to break up with me. He just needed space. So, naturally, i assumed it meant the same thing this time.
"do you understand me when i say i want to be alone?"
so basically we broke up. it was really hard. i called him at 12 30. and we talked and mostly cried. for an hour and a half. I just don't quite get it still. He said i wasn't a mistake. if i was the only one who wasn't a mistake, then why end it? and if it hurt him so much to do it, why do it? he cried for so long. for the last half hour it was just him crying and me comforting him as best i could, telling him it would "all be ok; everything's going to be ok. "
i didnt go to sleep for a while after i got off the phone with him just after two. I looked at pictures of us. and in the last one taken, he looked angry. but. this one that jenny took...god. it just doesn't seem real that i can't go to him anymore and feel perfect. and safe. and loved.
anyway. i went to sleep at 4 and woke up at 7. i stayed in bed until 8, and then i went downstairs to tell mom. i got some chocolate milk and went back to bed at 8 30. i stayed in bed until 12 15 and then put on some boxers.
i took mojo for a walk because i just couldn't stay in the house and i didn't know what to do with myself. i walked down to the beach and then along the beach until i got to the Loew's, while talking to Kristina on the phone. When I looked down, i realized that Mojo wasn't just panting normally and so i walked him up to Jenna's house so he could get some water. I also realized we had been walking for two hours. in the hot sun. it was about 80-82.
when i got there, i hosed him off, gave him water and let him lie down and all, but he wouldn't stop hyperventalating.
I called mom to take us home. and when we got hom, he still didn't call down so mom called the vet and they told us to bring him right away. so we climbed into the car and went to the vet.
he had hypothermia. and i did it to him. He's ok, but they're keeping him there overnight. God. I almost killed my own dog. purely because I was just somewhat out of my mind and thinking only about myself and being really selfish.
after we got home from the vet, mom and i went to the Palisades. I told her i just didn't understand and it all seemed like a terrible dream. When we parked, She told me how before her dad died, he knew he was going to die, and tried to commit suicide. He took a lot of pills, but it didn't work out. She asked him what happened and he said "I saw the light. I saw the plan. Don't worry, because everything's going to be ok." And then she told me that that's what kept her going, basically.
I started to cry a little because that's exactly what i was telling sean last night. "everything's going to be ok"
I am my mother in a lot of ways. I had never known before that grandpa tried to commit suicide, either. but in a way, i'm glad. that phrase is so true and i'm glad it's been a part of my life. it's been somewhat of a motto of my life.
then mom and i went grocery shopping. i couldn't stop smiling. I don't know why. I'm still kind of smiling a little. I'm not super happy or anything, but. Like grandpa said in seventy-six, everything's going to be ok.
So Sean and i were talking online and he seemed kind of weird, but i thought he was just still depressed. And he said something to the extent of "I'm just happier when I'm alone." and i said "ok" cause he said that before. and i figured it meant he wanted to break up. but last time, he said he didn't want to break up with me. He just needed space. So, naturally, i assumed it meant the same thing this time.
"do you understand me when i say i want to be alone?"
so basically we broke up. it was really hard. i called him at 12 30. and we talked and mostly cried. for an hour and a half. I just don't quite get it still. He said i wasn't a mistake. if i was the only one who wasn't a mistake, then why end it? and if it hurt him so much to do it, why do it? he cried for so long. for the last half hour it was just him crying and me comforting him as best i could, telling him it would "all be ok; everything's going to be ok. "
i didnt go to sleep for a while after i got off the phone with him just after two. I looked at pictures of us. and in the last one taken, he looked angry. but. this one that jenny took...god. it just doesn't seem real that i can't go to him anymore and feel perfect. and safe. and loved.
anyway. i went to sleep at 4 and woke up at 7. i stayed in bed until 8, and then i went downstairs to tell mom. i got some chocolate milk and went back to bed at 8 30. i stayed in bed until 12 15 and then put on some boxers.
i took mojo for a walk because i just couldn't stay in the house and i didn't know what to do with myself. i walked down to the beach and then along the beach until i got to the Loew's, while talking to Kristina on the phone. When I looked down, i realized that Mojo wasn't just panting normally and so i walked him up to Jenna's house so he could get some water. I also realized we had been walking for two hours. in the hot sun. it was about 80-82.
when i got there, i hosed him off, gave him water and let him lie down and all, but he wouldn't stop hyperventalating.
I called mom to take us home. and when we got hom, he still didn't call down so mom called the vet and they told us to bring him right away. so we climbed into the car and went to the vet.
he had hypothermia. and i did it to him. He's ok, but they're keeping him there overnight. God. I almost killed my own dog. purely because I was just somewhat out of my mind and thinking only about myself and being really selfish.
after we got home from the vet, mom and i went to the Palisades. I told her i just didn't understand and it all seemed like a terrible dream. When we parked, She told me how before her dad died, he knew he was going to die, and tried to commit suicide. He took a lot of pills, but it didn't work out. She asked him what happened and he said "I saw the light. I saw the plan. Don't worry, because everything's going to be ok." And then she told me that that's what kept her going, basically.
I started to cry a little because that's exactly what i was telling sean last night. "everything's going to be ok"
I am my mother in a lot of ways. I had never known before that grandpa tried to commit suicide, either. but in a way, i'm glad. that phrase is so true and i'm glad it's been a part of my life. it's been somewhat of a motto of my life.
then mom and i went grocery shopping. i couldn't stop smiling. I don't know why. I'm still kind of smiling a little. I'm not super happy or anything, but. Like grandpa said in seventy-six, everything's going to be ok.