(no subject)
I'm not good enough. I believe this most of the time. I know it sounds absurd. I know. I know I must believe this because of all the other things I think, the way my mind chases me around.
I think I also believe that I'm not good enough for other people to love me. It's obviously not true. There are a few I know love me. But I'm still afraid, afraid not to be loved, liked, appreciated, accepted. Afraid to be abandoned.
The beliefs contradict.
When I turn it around " I am good enough." it sounds strange, I feel like I don't know what it means. Good enough for what? What's good enough?
I don't know.
I'm willing to change my mind, I am willing to allow my mind to be changed..
I'm willing to love, to like, to appreciate, accept and to forgive.
I don't feel I've been the best friend lately. I've been impatient and critical. Which really I feel is just a symptom of how much change I'm wanting in my life. The desire is big now and I really feel I must work hard for change.
One friend in particular I think is gone now. And honestly in that case it might just be time, I don't know, feels like the paths have diverged too far. I know my feelings are hurt. And I know I need to forgive her. I'm still waiting for that to come. It makes me nervous this losing a friend thing... which goes back to thinking I won't be loved and liked. Which I'm guessing at least goes back to grade school. I was teased quite a bit when I was young. And frankly I always and to this day wondered why. Wondered if there was something in me that attracted the abuse. Yes society can be damn violent, school can be like being thrown into a pack of hyenas. But I still wonder if I was doing something wrong to attract it.
Honestly I don't like taking like this. It really goes against the instruction to always be positive, focus on the positive so I don't like talking about all the ugly but I cannot in honesty talk like everything is fine. Fuck fine really. Does anyone really want to be just fine? I do not want to bring anyone down nor overstate the issues. They just don't fit under this rug here...
Anyway not speaking what's happening isn't making anything better. Even if no one is listening I need to hash these things out in a place that isn't completely private.
...
I wish to wake up. I wish to feel a fullness. I have been waiting far too long and I think it's frozen me up some. I knew there is more and I want to live in that.
I think I also believe that I'm not good enough for other people to love me. It's obviously not true. There are a few I know love me. But I'm still afraid, afraid not to be loved, liked, appreciated, accepted. Afraid to be abandoned.
The beliefs contradict.
When I turn it around " I am good enough." it sounds strange, I feel like I don't know what it means. Good enough for what? What's good enough?
I don't know.
I'm willing to change my mind, I am willing to allow my mind to be changed..
I'm willing to love, to like, to appreciate, accept and to forgive.
I don't feel I've been the best friend lately. I've been impatient and critical. Which really I feel is just a symptom of how much change I'm wanting in my life. The desire is big now and I really feel I must work hard for change.
One friend in particular I think is gone now. And honestly in that case it might just be time, I don't know, feels like the paths have diverged too far. I know my feelings are hurt. And I know I need to forgive her. I'm still waiting for that to come. It makes me nervous this losing a friend thing... which goes back to thinking I won't be loved and liked. Which I'm guessing at least goes back to grade school. I was teased quite a bit when I was young. And frankly I always and to this day wondered why. Wondered if there was something in me that attracted the abuse. Yes society can be damn violent, school can be like being thrown into a pack of hyenas. But I still wonder if I was doing something wrong to attract it.
Honestly I don't like taking like this. It really goes against the instruction to always be positive, focus on the positive so I don't like talking about all the ugly but I cannot in honesty talk like everything is fine. Fuck fine really. Does anyone really want to be just fine? I do not want to bring anyone down nor overstate the issues. They just don't fit under this rug here...
Anyway not speaking what's happening isn't making anything better. Even if no one is listening I need to hash these things out in a place that isn't completely private.
...
I wish to wake up. I wish to feel a fullness. I have been waiting far too long and I think it's frozen me up some. I knew there is more and I want to live in that.