"...CLOSE ENOUGH"
TITLE: "...CLOSE ENOUGH"
AUTHOR: doppelgangerqaf
BETAED BY: positive_pat
BANNERS BY: foreverbm
TIMELINE: Gap-filler 301.
WORD COUNT: 949 words.
WARNING: Angst, PG-13.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing.
SYNOPSIS: Brian’s thoughts after seeing Justin at Lindsay and Mel’s party.
A/N: Written for the Jukebox Challenge in queensoftarts.
This ficlet was inspired by Sigur Ros‘ Untitled #4.
It is a knowledge among Sigur Ros‘ fans that in the album () in which Untitled #4 (Njósnavélin) is included, all the tracks are in Vonlenska (Hopelandic) a made up (by the band) gibberish language. It is basically Jonsi (the band’s vocalist) just humming along the tracks in the whole album; he explained that what he was doing is what musicians do before they write the lyrics to their music. The same gibberish line that can be heard in Untitled #4 (Njósnavélin) is repeated in most of the tracks in the () album. The idea is that Jonsi’s voice is used and listened to as another instrument in their music. Fans are encouraged to write their own lyrics to the tracks in the () album as they are provided with blank papers when album was released as it was reported.
The significance of this information in relation to this ficlet is for me at least, the likeness of interpreting or creating your own lyrics to the song and Brian‘s thoughts in Episode 301. A lot is left to be interpreted in Brian’s actions and I thought I’d write my own interpretation of the scene based on the inspiration I derived from the song… I’ve researched a lot about Untitled #4 (Njósnavélin) and a lot of Sigur Ros’ fans have posted their own lyrics to the song onn message boards and blogs. A lot heard the same and interpreted the song the same way. I borrowed some interpretation from these people but the last ‘lines of the song’ are from Brian…
This is the saddest piece I’ve ever written…
Please enjoy.
Untitled #4 (Njósnavélin) by Sigur Ros.
**********
"...CLOSE ENOUGH"
By Doppelganger
“You must really love him…”
Michael’s words echo in my head as I lie down on my bed. Under the blue light that’s over the bed, I watch the ceiling…
It’s like this TV monitor that repeatedly plays the scenes that happened today.
I told Lindsay I wasn’t gonna come to her and Mel’s sweet little gathering for their 8th anniversary; but sitting at the bar in Woody’s while these two bears discussed their silver piercing or silverware-who the hell knows- I thought of him…
He’ll be there…
Pain…
Right now it’s the only thing that’s assuring me I’m still breathing.
It’s the only thing that I have that tells me, once I was-- fuck.
I close and open my eyes.
Yes, I was happy…
I inhale my cigarette-the second one I’ve lit since I got back from the comic book store.
I close my eyes again and see--
Long blond hair… blue eyes… full, cheery lips.
I open my eyes and refuse to go back to the event that occurred earlier.
I hit Michael for the very first time.
For the first time, Michael didn’t understand…
Michael didn’t see what he-Justin truly means to me.
Justin…
You sigh alone,
You sigh alone
Not for long.
You sigh alone,
You sigh alone
Not for long.
I whisper his name in the dark.
I swallow as a lump forms within the walls of my throat.
He looks happy. He seems happy.
That’s all that matters, correct?
I meant what I said to him in the bathroom; I walked in on him while he takes a leak. If it was a different situation it would have been a nice encounter.
He looked surprised to see me; I wanted to see something else…
Something more…
I wish… He could’ve stayed a little bit longer…
But he quickly finished and turned around. I stopped him and I said…
I said to him that I hope he gets what he wants.
You sigh alone,
You sigh alone
Not for long.
You sigh alone,
You sigh alone
Not for long.
It’s always been his choice. It’s always been…
To live with me.
To be with me.
And it was also his choice to leave.
I respect that.
One should do what makes sense to them and what makes them happy…
I wonder if I ever did make him happy-No. I’m not going there. Not right now. Not tonight.
I did what I could and would do…
But I can’t help but wonder if the man he’s with now treats him right.
Does he mean all the words he tell Justin?
Does he truly-
Truly love Justin?
The ash from my cigarette falls on my chest and slightly burns my skin. I put it out and light another.
I check the time. 11 pm.
You’re so alone…
Usually at this time, we’re both lying in bed. Arms wrap around each other. My face buried in his head. His scent puts me to sleep… Having him around relaxes me.
Sleep has been hard to catch the past weeks.
Each night is a struggle. I turn to my way of dealing with things. Dealing with pain. Alcohol, drugs, tricking.
Then I forget.
Then I don’t feel.
You sigh alone,
You sigh alone
Not for long.
You sigh alone,
You sigh alone
Not for long.
Numbness takes over my being. But once the superficial power of my so-called self-medication techniques fade away, I once again feel…
Tonight is just another night.
Another battle to forget.
I take another drag of my cigarette.
I think I heard a noise at the door but I pay it no mind.
I exhale long and hard, then the same loud noise.
Someone’s at my door.
I finally get up and as I reach the door, I hear another knock on the other side of it. I slide it open.
He’s here.
“Hi,” he says, “My name is Bl-”
“It doesn’t matter,” I cut in.
He doesn’t look taken aback.
“So am I what you’re looking for?”
I look at him and nonchalantly reply, “Close enough.”
I let him through and slide the door close.
He stop walking by the living room; I bring my cigarette back to my mouth.
“That’ll be 300 then. Up front,” he tells me.
I hand him the money and as I exhale the cigarette smoke that filled my lungs I say, “Bedroom’s that way.”
He walks to the bedroom.
You sigh alone,
You sigh alone
Not for long.
You sigh alone,
You sigh alone
Not for long.
I inhale my cigarette one last time then I reach over my kitchen counter top and put it out.
I walk in the bedroom and find him sitting on my bed. I watch him undress…
He watch me watch him…
Then, it happens.
I start pretending.
I start feeling I want to be lost. Be gone and back to how it was before…
When he’s lying down, I take my jeans off. I lie next to him and read his face. I search for something.
You’re so…
You’re so…
Ohhh, you’re so…
You sigh alone,
You sigh
Ohh, you’re so…
I search for that familiar burn that creeps from within me.
I search for that want; that need a particular person I know so well, once had for me…
Nothing.
He closes his face in on me.
You don‘t kiss anyone else on the mouth but me…
I place my hand on his shoulder and tell him to roll over.
Maybe…
Maybe since I can’t see it, I’d be able to feel it.
The tip of my fingers lightly touch his blond hair…
Blond hair…
Soft naked back.
I reach for a condom and slip it on.
Then, I enter his tight body. He welcomes me with a groan and a whimper.
But it’s not the same.
It’s not same.
Anger, frustration fills my being.
I pump and keep on pumping inside his body.
It’s not the same, I keep thinking.
You will always…
You will
You’re so
You sigh alone.
You are so…
And soon…
Soon I’ll come.
Soon, this-- my illusion--will be over.
But I’ll never be satisfied.
I will always look for that something…
Someone…
This--
This will never be close enough…
Nothing; no one will ever be close enough…
You’re so alone
You’re so, you’re so
You will always,
You’re so…
Alone.
-FIN-
AUTHOR: doppelgangerqaf
BETAED BY: positive_pat
BANNERS BY: foreverbm
TIMELINE: Gap-filler 301.
WORD COUNT: 949 words.
WARNING: Angst, PG-13.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing.
SYNOPSIS: Brian’s thoughts after seeing Justin at Lindsay and Mel’s party.
A/N: Written for the Jukebox Challenge in queensoftarts.
This ficlet was inspired by Sigur Ros‘ Untitled #4.
It is a knowledge among Sigur Ros‘ fans that in the album () in which Untitled #4 (Njósnavélin) is included, all the tracks are in Vonlenska (Hopelandic) a made up (by the band) gibberish language. It is basically Jonsi (the band’s vocalist) just humming along the tracks in the whole album; he explained that what he was doing is what musicians do before they write the lyrics to their music. The same gibberish line that can be heard in Untitled #4 (Njósnavélin) is repeated in most of the tracks in the () album. The idea is that Jonsi’s voice is used and listened to as another instrument in their music. Fans are encouraged to write their own lyrics to the tracks in the () album as they are provided with blank papers when album was released as it was reported.
The significance of this information in relation to this ficlet is for me at least, the likeness of interpreting or creating your own lyrics to the song and Brian‘s thoughts in Episode 301. A lot is left to be interpreted in Brian’s actions and I thought I’d write my own interpretation of the scene based on the inspiration I derived from the song… I’ve researched a lot about Untitled #4 (Njósnavélin) and a lot of Sigur Ros’ fans have posted their own lyrics to the song onn message boards and blogs. A lot heard the same and interpreted the song the same way. I borrowed some interpretation from these people but the last ‘lines of the song’ are from Brian…
This is the saddest piece I’ve ever written…
Please enjoy.
Click to viewUntitled #4 (Njósnavélin) by Sigur Ros.
**********
"...CLOSE ENOUGH"
By Doppelganger
“You must really love him…”
Michael’s words echo in my head as I lie down on my bed. Under the blue light that’s over the bed, I watch the ceiling…
It’s like this TV monitor that repeatedly plays the scenes that happened today.
I told Lindsay I wasn’t gonna come to her and Mel’s sweet little gathering for their 8th anniversary; but sitting at the bar in Woody’s while these two bears discussed their silver piercing or silverware-who the hell knows- I thought of him…
He’ll be there…
Pain…
Right now it’s the only thing that’s assuring me I’m still breathing.
It’s the only thing that I have that tells me, once I was-- fuck.
I close and open my eyes.
Yes, I was happy…
I inhale my cigarette-the second one I’ve lit since I got back from the comic book store.
I close my eyes again and see--
Long blond hair… blue eyes… full, cheery lips.
I open my eyes and refuse to go back to the event that occurred earlier.
I hit Michael for the very first time.
For the first time, Michael didn’t understand…
Michael didn’t see what he-Justin truly means to me.
Justin…
You sigh alone,
You sigh alone
Not for long.
You sigh alone,
You sigh alone
Not for long.
I whisper his name in the dark.
I swallow as a lump forms within the walls of my throat.
He looks happy. He seems happy.
That’s all that matters, correct?
I meant what I said to him in the bathroom; I walked in on him while he takes a leak. If it was a different situation it would have been a nice encounter.
He looked surprised to see me; I wanted to see something else…
Something more…
I wish… He could’ve stayed a little bit longer…
But he quickly finished and turned around. I stopped him and I said…
I said to him that I hope he gets what he wants.
You sigh alone,
You sigh alone
Not for long.
You sigh alone,
You sigh alone
Not for long.
It’s always been his choice. It’s always been…
To live with me.
To be with me.
And it was also his choice to leave.
I respect that.
One should do what makes sense to them and what makes them happy…
I wonder if I ever did make him happy-No. I’m not going there. Not right now. Not tonight.
I did what I could and would do…
But I can’t help but wonder if the man he’s with now treats him right.
Does he mean all the words he tell Justin?
Does he truly-
Truly love Justin?
The ash from my cigarette falls on my chest and slightly burns my skin. I put it out and light another.
I check the time. 11 pm.
You’re so alone…
Usually at this time, we’re both lying in bed. Arms wrap around each other. My face buried in his head. His scent puts me to sleep… Having him around relaxes me.
Sleep has been hard to catch the past weeks.
Each night is a struggle. I turn to my way of dealing with things. Dealing with pain. Alcohol, drugs, tricking.
Then I forget.
Then I don’t feel.
You sigh alone,
You sigh alone
Not for long.
You sigh alone,
You sigh alone
Not for long.
Numbness takes over my being. But once the superficial power of my so-called self-medication techniques fade away, I once again feel…
Tonight is just another night.
Another battle to forget.
I take another drag of my cigarette.
I think I heard a noise at the door but I pay it no mind.
I exhale long and hard, then the same loud noise.
Someone’s at my door.
I finally get up and as I reach the door, I hear another knock on the other side of it. I slide it open.
He’s here.
“Hi,” he says, “My name is Bl-”
“It doesn’t matter,” I cut in.
He doesn’t look taken aback.
“So am I what you’re looking for?”
I look at him and nonchalantly reply, “Close enough.”
I let him through and slide the door close.
He stop walking by the living room; I bring my cigarette back to my mouth.
“That’ll be 300 then. Up front,” he tells me.
I hand him the money and as I exhale the cigarette smoke that filled my lungs I say, “Bedroom’s that way.”
He walks to the bedroom.
You sigh alone,
You sigh alone
Not for long.
You sigh alone,
You sigh alone
Not for long.
I inhale my cigarette one last time then I reach over my kitchen counter top and put it out.
I walk in the bedroom and find him sitting on my bed. I watch him undress…
He watch me watch him…
Then, it happens.
I start pretending.
I start feeling I want to be lost. Be gone and back to how it was before…
When he’s lying down, I take my jeans off. I lie next to him and read his face. I search for something.
You’re so…
You’re so…
Ohhh, you’re so…
You sigh alone,
You sigh
Ohh, you’re so…
I search for that familiar burn that creeps from within me.
I search for that want; that need a particular person I know so well, once had for me…
Nothing.
He closes his face in on me.
You don‘t kiss anyone else on the mouth but me…
I place my hand on his shoulder and tell him to roll over.
Maybe…
Maybe since I can’t see it, I’d be able to feel it.
The tip of my fingers lightly touch his blond hair…
Blond hair…
Soft naked back.
I reach for a condom and slip it on.
Then, I enter his tight body. He welcomes me with a groan and a whimper.
But it’s not the same.
It’s not same.
Anger, frustration fills my being.
I pump and keep on pumping inside his body.
It’s not the same, I keep thinking.
You will always…
You will
You’re so
You sigh alone.
You are so…
And soon…
Soon I’ll come.
Soon, this-- my illusion--will be over.
But I’ll never be satisfied.
I will always look for that something…
Someone…
This--
This will never be close enough…
Nothing; no one will ever be close enough…
You’re so alone
You’re so, you’re so
You will always,
You’re so…
Alone.
-FIN-