Blah blah arf arf

[dopeynowhere]

Since I quit drinking I"ve noticed I seem to thrive on routine. I think maybe it just feels good to be in control of my life. For instance, right now - it's 10:34pm. I've got 26 minutes to go to sleep. What to do with those 26 minutes.. I was waffling on whether to read the end of my Trumane Capote book, start a new self-help alky book, or

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[dopeynowhere]

Yeah, I'm not like a house of cards or anything. But just moving through the day, it's hard to explain to someone who isn't an alky. Every couple minutes there are these intrusive reminders: billboards, tv commercials, some dumbass with his fraterities bro's whooping it up on the bus, the bottles under your nose at work, tv show scenarios, conversations with co-workers, memories, neon signs in storefronts, t-shirts, the radio.. it doesn't end. You're bombarded with it all day long and it plays out in your dreams as well. There are almost no "controlled environments" where you get a mental break. So you start to value certain a"selfish" activities, and retreats. On the surface it just looks like you're boring or really corrupted by Sally Forth but really there's something deeper going on. I think that's why I so desperately want to get my own place. Just last night I had to listen to my roomate talking about how he "drives better drunk" blah blah blah. I need some kind of sancturay where I know I can go at the end of the day and get away from it all. "Calgone take me away!" (old laundry soap commercial)

What book is "Courage to Change"? What is its theme? Do you think there are any similarities between coming out and getting sober? Eyes on own papers people. There will be a short pop quiz next week. Okay, I sound like a teacher handing out worksheets.

[sparrow_fox]

hey. I still buy Calgon.

"courage to change" is a one day at a time - AA book. It's small and it sits on my bedside table. I got it at an AlAnon meeting - my dad was an alcoholic, so was my grandfather and most of my uncles. Basically, each page has the date (no year) - and you can read one page per day. They have little snippets, either about getting sober, how we interact with people who are getting sober.etc... it's a great little book.

In a way, coming out worked as a version of getting sober (for me anyway). I had to give up a lot of what I used to do to cover up my discomfort in life in general trying to act straight and be straight and (sorry) fuck guys. Drinking excessively, smoking too much, etc. I've had to learn to re-nogiate myself in general in so many ways. I imagine that it is very much the same for a recovering alcoholic. How do you function on a "night out" if you aren't getting fucked up? How do you "come down" from your week on Friday if you aren't out getting fucked up? For me - I actually want to see who I'm meeting when I go out for the night now - I want to be conscious if I meet someone I like and I want to remember the experiences I'm having when I go out now. I have had to involve myself in other things, rather than going out and partying to come down from my week on Friday nights. It's all so difficult. To figure it out as being mostly out - completely out in my personal life, but not in my professional life. It's weird. I know that it's been really hard for me to realise how much I abused alcohol as a way to function socially all my life - and now, I want to be sober, but it's really hard. My inclination in order to loosen up is to have a beer.

It's a good book - you might like the gentle reminders day to day. I know I do.

[dopeynowhere]

Okay, I knew I knew the title from somewhere. Yeah learning to socialize without the booze has been hard for me. Not because I'm cravng a drink per se, but because I'm a naturally introverted person and it leaves me no place to hide. I've noticed people tend to take their cues from me. They regard me as I regard myself and they're as okay as I am with a given situation or scenario. I think when you present yourself in an empowered, unashamed and positive light people tend to regard you as such. So maybe we share that in common.