(no subject)
I'm in the mood for a long introspective and reflective write.
I don't know whats on my mind, but it feels like a lot. I'm worried about my future first of all. I don't know...I'm going to school to be a nurse, but is that really what i should be doing? It seems like more than one person thinks that it is unbelievable that I would be ALLOWED to care for people. Am I going to be able to be a GOOD nurse? Because I don't just want to be okay at it...I want to be spectacular. I've always wanted a job where I could help people, I LOVE helping people...and a social worker isn't right, and I used to want to be a teacher, but that doesn't pay very well. Being a nurse just seems like it suits me. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe those other people are right. It just hurts almost to hear people say that they wouldn't want me to be their nurse. I'm not stupid, I might seem like it by the way I act or sometimes talk, but I am incredibly intelligent. I know that I am. I'm just Debbie, which makes me weird and a little bit out there, but I'm still smarter than the average bear. I just have a knack for health, most likely because I've had every illness and ailment known to man, but what the fuck?! Should I not be taking care of people? Am I going to be bad at it? I'm worried.
And then next year, where am I going to go? It pretty much comes down to a joint decision by me and Megan. It is decided that we are going through nursing school together, for moral support and encouragement. I know it's very juvenille to have somebody to hold your hand, but I'm not going with her because I'm scared to be by myself. I know that I will try harder and stay on top of things if I have somebody with me that knows how I am. If that makes sense at all. Maybe it's just my excuse for why we are going to take classes together still. But I don't know, NIACC in Mason City or Mercy in Des Moines?!?!?! Which school...where am I going? I can't make up my mind which way I want to go. In Des Moines I would be closer to family and guaranteed a job as soon as I get certified. In Mason City it's cheaper and I don't have to take worthless classes like Mexican and chemistry, and it's somewhere new where I don't know ANYBODY which is an incredible thing, just what I need.
I HATE NOT KNOWING WHATS GOING ON!!!!!!
And then there's living at home that has me going crazy. I'm 20 fucking years old, and still depend on mommy and daddy for a lot. My house, food, gas, car, pretty much everything besides insurance and my cell phone. I've been an adult for two years now, and it's still like I'm in high school. I know they like helping me because I'm in school and I appreciate it so so so much, but sometimes it just makes me feel worthless. I KNOW that I am lucky to have parents that are willing to pay for all of that, plus put me through school. I know that. And then there's dealing with Kim. I seriously want to punch her when my clothes go missing. I know it's not a big deal--they're just things. But it's the lack of respect that gets to me mostly. I NEVER did anything like that to either of my sisters. EVER. And then she's going to lie to me, that she doesn't even know what I'mtalking about, when my clothes that are missing, that I got for my birthday, are in her hamper. BULL FUCKING SHIT. It irks me.
And then there's work here. I don't know. I like getting paid to do homework. I like that I'm good at my job and that it's not that hard. The only gripe I have besides creepy old men, is the fact that I have to work overnight. I do realize that it is the perfect time to do homework, I really don't get bothered too too much. First of all, though, it's creepy. If somebody were to come kidnap me or kill me, nobody would know until the morning. Second of all, it completely takes away from my weekend time, which is pretty much the only time that I have to spend with my family, especially my babies and my dad. I really do need to tell Kerry that I can't do it anymore. But I'm scared to, I don't know why I'm such a pussy. Maybe because I really want to keep my job, or maybe because I hate being a pain in the ass. Whatever the reason, I have got to do something about this. Staying up all night is killing me.
And then I'm just plain worried about myself. This whole working out/eating healthy deal is GREAT. But I get addicted to things so easily, and I can already tell that I'm obsessing about what I eat, and how much i eat, and if I'm burning enough calories to cover what I eat every day. I will not let myself develop another eating disorder. I can't do that. School is too important, and they just plain aren't worth it. I have to control myself, and what I do or don't do. I can't let this turn into a HUGE problem. It already is affecting me. I feel shitty all day until I work out. And even after I do, I don't want to be done. I was on the treadmill TWICE yesterday, and still wanted to do more. The only reason I stopped was because I had to come into work. Otherwise I bet I would have walked/jogged for another hour probably. And then I put off eating as long as possible because I don't want to eat at all. And when I do eat, it's rice or a salad, nothing "bad" for me. And they're just small portions. I keep adding to my exercise and taking away from my food and pretty soon it's going to be bad unless I make a concious change in the way that I think.
I have a split personality or something. I have some thoughts about "you have to eat to be healthy" and crap, food is like fuel for a car, you need it to run. And then there's this other voice, food is what makes you fat. Eating is bad. And they battle eachother all of the time, and I KNOW whats right and sane, but sometimes I don't care if what I do or think is fucked up. It's that whole instant gratification attitude coming into play.
And I don't know why, but I'm all concerned lately about marriage and kids. What if I can't have kids? Will it be my fault? Will it be because of cancer or drugs or the fact that I have slept around? Will I have kids? Would I make a good mom? Will I ever get married? Who would want to spend the rest of their life with me? WHY?! Why am I even worrying about this? I was the first out of everybody I knew to be engaged AND pregnant...and now my best friend is married with a kid, and a lot of my friends are having babies or getting married, and here I am, kinda-sorta seeing Ben, who i don't really like all that much. I know I'm not going to marry him. Everybody else is moving on with their lives and I'm just standing still. I was almost there. I found somebody that I wanted to be with for the rest of my life, and now it's not that way. But it is for everybody else. It's almost cruel how life turns things around on me.
But really...there are three good reasons for why I won't be able to have kids that I can think of off the top of my head. 1. cancer 2. sleeping around 3. and I never really thought about this until Torey said something, but drugs. could that effect my fertility now?! You wouldn't think so...look at all the fucking crackheads that get knocked up. I don't know. I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need a fucking cigarette.
I don't know whats on my mind, but it feels like a lot. I'm worried about my future first of all. I don't know...I'm going to school to be a nurse, but is that really what i should be doing? It seems like more than one person thinks that it is unbelievable that I would be ALLOWED to care for people. Am I going to be able to be a GOOD nurse? Because I don't just want to be okay at it...I want to be spectacular. I've always wanted a job where I could help people, I LOVE helping people...and a social worker isn't right, and I used to want to be a teacher, but that doesn't pay very well. Being a nurse just seems like it suits me. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe those other people are right. It just hurts almost to hear people say that they wouldn't want me to be their nurse. I'm not stupid, I might seem like it by the way I act or sometimes talk, but I am incredibly intelligent. I know that I am. I'm just Debbie, which makes me weird and a little bit out there, but I'm still smarter than the average bear. I just have a knack for health, most likely because I've had every illness and ailment known to man, but what the fuck?! Should I not be taking care of people? Am I going to be bad at it? I'm worried.
And then next year, where am I going to go? It pretty much comes down to a joint decision by me and Megan. It is decided that we are going through nursing school together, for moral support and encouragement. I know it's very juvenille to have somebody to hold your hand, but I'm not going with her because I'm scared to be by myself. I know that I will try harder and stay on top of things if I have somebody with me that knows how I am. If that makes sense at all. Maybe it's just my excuse for why we are going to take classes together still. But I don't know, NIACC in Mason City or Mercy in Des Moines?!?!?! Which school...where am I going? I can't make up my mind which way I want to go. In Des Moines I would be closer to family and guaranteed a job as soon as I get certified. In Mason City it's cheaper and I don't have to take worthless classes like Mexican and chemistry, and it's somewhere new where I don't know ANYBODY which is an incredible thing, just what I need.
I HATE NOT KNOWING WHATS GOING ON!!!!!!
And then there's living at home that has me going crazy. I'm 20 fucking years old, and still depend on mommy and daddy for a lot. My house, food, gas, car, pretty much everything besides insurance and my cell phone. I've been an adult for two years now, and it's still like I'm in high school. I know they like helping me because I'm in school and I appreciate it so so so much, but sometimes it just makes me feel worthless. I KNOW that I am lucky to have parents that are willing to pay for all of that, plus put me through school. I know that. And then there's dealing with Kim. I seriously want to punch her when my clothes go missing. I know it's not a big deal--they're just things. But it's the lack of respect that gets to me mostly. I NEVER did anything like that to either of my sisters. EVER. And then she's going to lie to me, that she doesn't even know what I'mtalking about, when my clothes that are missing, that I got for my birthday, are in her hamper. BULL FUCKING SHIT. It irks me.
And then there's work here. I don't know. I like getting paid to do homework. I like that I'm good at my job and that it's not that hard. The only gripe I have besides creepy old men, is the fact that I have to work overnight. I do realize that it is the perfect time to do homework, I really don't get bothered too too much. First of all, though, it's creepy. If somebody were to come kidnap me or kill me, nobody would know until the morning. Second of all, it completely takes away from my weekend time, which is pretty much the only time that I have to spend with my family, especially my babies and my dad. I really do need to tell Kerry that I can't do it anymore. But I'm scared to, I don't know why I'm such a pussy. Maybe because I really want to keep my job, or maybe because I hate being a pain in the ass. Whatever the reason, I have got to do something about this. Staying up all night is killing me.
And then I'm just plain worried about myself. This whole working out/eating healthy deal is GREAT. But I get addicted to things so easily, and I can already tell that I'm obsessing about what I eat, and how much i eat, and if I'm burning enough calories to cover what I eat every day. I will not let myself develop another eating disorder. I can't do that. School is too important, and they just plain aren't worth it. I have to control myself, and what I do or don't do. I can't let this turn into a HUGE problem. It already is affecting me. I feel shitty all day until I work out. And even after I do, I don't want to be done. I was on the treadmill TWICE yesterday, and still wanted to do more. The only reason I stopped was because I had to come into work. Otherwise I bet I would have walked/jogged for another hour probably. And then I put off eating as long as possible because I don't want to eat at all. And when I do eat, it's rice or a salad, nothing "bad" for me. And they're just small portions. I keep adding to my exercise and taking away from my food and pretty soon it's going to be bad unless I make a concious change in the way that I think.
I have a split personality or something. I have some thoughts about "you have to eat to be healthy" and crap, food is like fuel for a car, you need it to run. And then there's this other voice, food is what makes you fat. Eating is bad. And they battle eachother all of the time, and I KNOW whats right and sane, but sometimes I don't care if what I do or think is fucked up. It's that whole instant gratification attitude coming into play.
And I don't know why, but I'm all concerned lately about marriage and kids. What if I can't have kids? Will it be my fault? Will it be because of cancer or drugs or the fact that I have slept around? Will I have kids? Would I make a good mom? Will I ever get married? Who would want to spend the rest of their life with me? WHY?! Why am I even worrying about this? I was the first out of everybody I knew to be engaged AND pregnant...and now my best friend is married with a kid, and a lot of my friends are having babies or getting married, and here I am, kinda-sorta seeing Ben, who i don't really like all that much. I know I'm not going to marry him. Everybody else is moving on with their lives and I'm just standing still. I was almost there. I found somebody that I wanted to be with for the rest of my life, and now it's not that way. But it is for everybody else. It's almost cruel how life turns things around on me.
But really...there are three good reasons for why I won't be able to have kids that I can think of off the top of my head. 1. cancer 2. sleeping around 3. and I never really thought about this until Torey said something, but drugs. could that effect my fertility now?! You wouldn't think so...look at all the fucking crackheads that get knocked up. I don't know. I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need a fucking cigarette.