depressed
So...holiday blues are setting in. Or something like that. Or maybe it's because of the hurricane and how fucking depressing it is to see what things look like less than a mile from my house. Even though I suffered no loss of personal property because of the storm, I want to just crawl in a hole and die when I really think about everything that's happened. The only thing keeping me going here are my friends; I would've already totally gone off the deep end without them.
Mom called today but I didn't tell her that Davina said no to us visiting for Christmas. I wasn't prepared to talk with her about the alternatives. I really don't know if I can go to Georgia. If I don't have my own transportation there and back she'll try to make me stay until I have to go back to class, which is a big NO. I hate flying, ESPECIALLY out of god damned Hartsfield in Atlanta. That airport is evil. In my head, I'd fly out and spend some time helping her at the old house, she'd drive me back and help me out by restocking my fridge. But it won't be that easy. Nothing with her ever is. Last year I flew out to get Kitty and do a little bit at the house and then she was going to drive me back down. She tried her hardest to get me to stay until I had to go back to classes and I remember it was a horrible, horrible night of arguing and crying and me wandering around in the frozen weather for an hour to get away from her. I can see something similar happening this year. Also I don't want to deal with the damn cold. It's cold enough here.
I cried on the phone with Davina earlier. I asked if she was sure they didn't want company for Christmas and she said she was pretty sure, and sorry. She asked if I had talked to mom and I said yes I had, but didn't tell her no Christmas because I wasn't ready to talk to her about the possibility of me going to Georgia, that I didn't want to go. Davina was hoping that I'd decide not to spend New Year's in New Orleans and just stay in Atlanta until they got there for the Bowl game New Year's Day, maybe even ride back with them to Memphis on the 4th.
I just...don't want to have to deal with anymore stress. I want to have a happy holiday. But it looks like that's not going to happen.
Mom called today but I didn't tell her that Davina said no to us visiting for Christmas. I wasn't prepared to talk with her about the alternatives. I really don't know if I can go to Georgia. If I don't have my own transportation there and back she'll try to make me stay until I have to go back to class, which is a big NO. I hate flying, ESPECIALLY out of god damned Hartsfield in Atlanta. That airport is evil. In my head, I'd fly out and spend some time helping her at the old house, she'd drive me back and help me out by restocking my fridge. But it won't be that easy. Nothing with her ever is. Last year I flew out to get Kitty and do a little bit at the house and then she was going to drive me back down. She tried her hardest to get me to stay until I had to go back to classes and I remember it was a horrible, horrible night of arguing and crying and me wandering around in the frozen weather for an hour to get away from her. I can see something similar happening this year. Also I don't want to deal with the damn cold. It's cold enough here.
I cried on the phone with Davina earlier. I asked if she was sure they didn't want company for Christmas and she said she was pretty sure, and sorry. She asked if I had talked to mom and I said yes I had, but didn't tell her no Christmas because I wasn't ready to talk to her about the possibility of me going to Georgia, that I didn't want to go. Davina was hoping that I'd decide not to spend New Year's in New Orleans and just stay in Atlanta until they got there for the Bowl game New Year's Day, maybe even ride back with them to Memphis on the 4th.
I just...don't want to have to deal with anymore stress. I want to have a happy holiday. But it looks like that's not going to happen.