yanno that'd be Really funny if you weRen't.. you
hmm, so heRe i am at about 12:30... i suppose i should be asleep but i'm so wiRed Right now... alot has happened tonight.. well, no.. not Really... tyleR's decided that we shant speak again, and i've decided that i don't give a shit (oR that i'll pRetend that i don't, but i'm faiRly suRe, at least at this point, that i Really don't caRe)... i dunno, maybe i'm wRong.. but i guess that that douche-ness in himself that he always usta tell me about Really was theRe and i was just Refusing to see it... oR something like that... (i beg all of youR paRdons {yes, both of you}, but this will be the one entRy wheRe i Reflect on matteRs conceRning tyleR, and i pRomise i won't fRom now on)... but yeah, he always used to tell me how he was such a douche, and i'd always say 'haha, no you'Re not', but yanno, he Really is... he called one of my best fRiends an asshole, he told me, and abuncha otheR people to fuck off and die because he had decided that he wanted to be angRy, and hate me and whatnot... hmm, you know, supReme Revelations aRe an astounding thing... too bad tyleR couldn't see that that "poem" (it's in quotations because he called it a poem, but it isn't Really...) was entiRely metaphoRical, and that i have no intentions of huRting him, only of showing him how i feel... which is also not how he peRceived it to be... hmm, heRe, i'll post the "poem" heRe, so tyleR won't need to go thRough all of the tRouble of sending it to a ton of people... (Read his jouRnal if you want the conveRsation that went befoRe and afteR i sent him this... http://www.livejouRnal.com/useRs/undeR_the_tRee/)
so you say you want me back, but one of my closest fRiends is an asshole, eh? damn you Really know how to get on a giRls good side... come on, gimme that look one moRe time, look at me like you'd neveR expected this fRom me, just so i can stab youR fucking eyes out... you don't know me, and appaRently you neveR did... pleasuRes of the flesh can be misleading that way, don't ya think so? heRe, let me demonstRate... i'll just pull out this cute little knife... oh by all means go ahead and make youRself comfoRtable...might wanna take off youR shiRt too, i'd hate foR it to get stained... alRight, so we've got this little knife, and you'Re all hot and botheRed, sittin theRe thinkin of what i'm gonna do to you... heRe, put youR back against the cabinet, yeah, just like that... now heRe, you feel that soRta pieRcing pRessuRe Right at youR belly button, yep, that's me... so how'sit? how does it feel to have youR feelings stuck at knifepoint.. and it's so veRy scaRy and so veRy painful, but you daRe not move foR feaR of teaRing that which should not be toRn... yeah, it's a fucking bitch, isn't it? heRe, let me intensify just a bit... oh, i'm soRRy, did i huRt you? nah? gReat, then we can pRoceed, eh? yeah, take in a deep bReath... hold it, hold it... theRe we go... oh my, you'Re bleeding... so now that we've gotten to the next step in this little expeRiment, what say you about me asking a question oR two? no? well yanno what? you'Re kinda at my meRcy Right now, i don't see how you believe you've much authoRity to say no to me, as i could tuRn you inside out in just a few seconds... so, we continue... how is it? how does it feel to be showing such weakness? to be leaking such a vital thing, and to be so embaRassed about youR being human, and how does it feel to know that the one peRson closest to you enjoys youR pain? eh? isn't it a fucking gReat feeling? heh, so how'sabout we keep goin? we'll move it up alittle, so it can affect youR bReathing alittle bit... yeah, eveR heaRd the teRm quick and painless? lets expeRiment, shall we? so i'll just gRab the knife like this... hey it's amazing how fiRmly an abdominal cavity can hold a knife... and so i gRab it, and yank up as haRd as i can... oh my, you'Re scReaming... and bleeding... eveRywheRe... my, that's disgusting... so now we've affected youR lungs...you'Re having pRoblems bReathing and youR blood is eveRywheRe, including it being spRayed all oveR the fRont of me... so how does this feel, eh? youR most pRecious belonging is spRaying out of you, and the one peRson aRound that it lands on is the one that caRes foR you the most and also the one who is the most disgusted.. you'Re having pRoblems bReathing and you can't move... you'Re getting woozy and you've almost passed out fRom blood loss... you know that as soon as you pass out i'll shove the knife in just alittle bit fuRtheR, just to wake you up... i wanna heaR youR scReams and i wanna see the look in youR eyes as the closest peRson to you betRays you and Rips any secuRity you felt miles away... welp, theRe you go, gone and passed out... heRe, i won't shove it in fuRtheR... i'll just twist it aRound alittle... heaRt on a knife, isn't this some soRt of oveRdone cliché? welp, so aRe alot of things in the woRld... hey, imagine that... you'Re scReaming and cRying and looking at me with such huRt in youR eyes...
now i know it seems like i want to kill him, but honestly if theRe had been anotheR way to poRtRay my feelings that wasn't so violent i would've used that... but the tRuth is that i believed (and still do) that this was the best example that theRe was... okay, to bReak it down so you people won't go all psycho on me and be like "omg you fucking cRazy bitch" (which inheRently i am.. teehee)...
this "poem" is meRely a metaphoR, appaRently not a good one, since i didn't succeed in getting my point acRoss, but a metaphoR nonetheless... the point that i was tRying to make is that i feel tRapped and at the meRcy of what he's doing, whetheR he's doing it on puRpose oR not... i want to get away and i want to let go and be able to not caRe about him (which b.t.w. tonight he made it alot easieR to not caRe, but i still do) but it feels like he's got a knife inside of me that he's moving aRound and shoving into me to his whim... i know that that's most likely not what he's doing, but the fact that it feels that way makes it veRy Real in my mind... i don't know how to React to him anymoRe, and i'd love moRe than anything to be able to explain it to him, but since he's insisting that i'll neveR see him oR talk to him again, i guess i'm entiRely scRewed on that...
i feel like theRe's something else that needs to be said, but i haven't the slightest what it is... so i guess that's how i'll leave it...
heh... ciao
so you say you want me back, but one of my closest fRiends is an asshole, eh? damn you Really know how to get on a giRls good side... come on, gimme that look one moRe time, look at me like you'd neveR expected this fRom me, just so i can stab youR fucking eyes out... you don't know me, and appaRently you neveR did... pleasuRes of the flesh can be misleading that way, don't ya think so? heRe, let me demonstRate... i'll just pull out this cute little knife... oh by all means go ahead and make youRself comfoRtable...might wanna take off youR shiRt too, i'd hate foR it to get stained... alRight, so we've got this little knife, and you'Re all hot and botheRed, sittin theRe thinkin of what i'm gonna do to you... heRe, put youR back against the cabinet, yeah, just like that... now heRe, you feel that soRta pieRcing pRessuRe Right at youR belly button, yep, that's me... so how'sit? how does it feel to have youR feelings stuck at knifepoint.. and it's so veRy scaRy and so veRy painful, but you daRe not move foR feaR of teaRing that which should not be toRn... yeah, it's a fucking bitch, isn't it? heRe, let me intensify just a bit... oh, i'm soRRy, did i huRt you? nah? gReat, then we can pRoceed, eh? yeah, take in a deep bReath... hold it, hold it... theRe we go... oh my, you'Re bleeding... so now that we've gotten to the next step in this little expeRiment, what say you about me asking a question oR two? no? well yanno what? you'Re kinda at my meRcy Right now, i don't see how you believe you've much authoRity to say no to me, as i could tuRn you inside out in just a few seconds... so, we continue... how is it? how does it feel to be showing such weakness? to be leaking such a vital thing, and to be so embaRassed about youR being human, and how does it feel to know that the one peRson closest to you enjoys youR pain? eh? isn't it a fucking gReat feeling? heh, so how'sabout we keep goin? we'll move it up alittle, so it can affect youR bReathing alittle bit... yeah, eveR heaRd the teRm quick and painless? lets expeRiment, shall we? so i'll just gRab the knife like this... hey it's amazing how fiRmly an abdominal cavity can hold a knife... and so i gRab it, and yank up as haRd as i can... oh my, you'Re scReaming... and bleeding... eveRywheRe... my, that's disgusting... so now we've affected youR lungs...you'Re having pRoblems bReathing and youR blood is eveRywheRe, including it being spRayed all oveR the fRont of me... so how does this feel, eh? youR most pRecious belonging is spRaying out of you, and the one peRson aRound that it lands on is the one that caRes foR you the most and also the one who is the most disgusted.. you'Re having pRoblems bReathing and you can't move... you'Re getting woozy and you've almost passed out fRom blood loss... you know that as soon as you pass out i'll shove the knife in just alittle bit fuRtheR, just to wake you up... i wanna heaR youR scReams and i wanna see the look in youR eyes as the closest peRson to you betRays you and Rips any secuRity you felt miles away... welp, theRe you go, gone and passed out... heRe, i won't shove it in fuRtheR... i'll just twist it aRound alittle... heaRt on a knife, isn't this some soRt of oveRdone cliché? welp, so aRe alot of things in the woRld... hey, imagine that... you'Re scReaming and cRying and looking at me with such huRt in youR eyes...
now i know it seems like i want to kill him, but honestly if theRe had been anotheR way to poRtRay my feelings that wasn't so violent i would've used that... but the tRuth is that i believed (and still do) that this was the best example that theRe was... okay, to bReak it down so you people won't go all psycho on me and be like "omg you fucking cRazy bitch" (which inheRently i am.. teehee)...
this "poem" is meRely a metaphoR, appaRently not a good one, since i didn't succeed in getting my point acRoss, but a metaphoR nonetheless... the point that i was tRying to make is that i feel tRapped and at the meRcy of what he's doing, whetheR he's doing it on puRpose oR not... i want to get away and i want to let go and be able to not caRe about him (which b.t.w. tonight he made it alot easieR to not caRe, but i still do) but it feels like he's got a knife inside of me that he's moving aRound and shoving into me to his whim... i know that that's most likely not what he's doing, but the fact that it feels that way makes it veRy Real in my mind... i don't know how to React to him anymoRe, and i'd love moRe than anything to be able to explain it to him, but since he's insisting that i'll neveR see him oR talk to him again, i guess i'm entiRely scRewed on that...
i feel like theRe's something else that needs to be said, but i haven't the slightest what it is... so i guess that's how i'll leave it...
heh... ciao