Thirteen years later
Almost all of my friends have changed, married, had kids, moved away. I'm mostly the same dude, with a few more scars. I'd love to say I've ascended to lofty heights or that I'm at least satisfied, content.
Today my heart is broken. There isn't an option for redemption, either. Not this time. I've never been accused of being a jerk, or a douche. My relationship issues stem from the fact that I am so, so obsessed with self loathing and self doubt. I let it consume me. And I let it consume yet another thing that I held dear......it fucking sucks that I cannot learn this critical lesson. I feel like a cat on his 8th life. I keep letting such beautiful, wonderful people exit my life through neglect. There are 3 occasions now where I let what I considered to be AMAZING people walk out of my life, by way of me shutting down and self destructing. Sabotage at all costs. Happiness CANNOT be achieved. Why? It's been such a long bumpy road for me mentally. I've been believing my own toxic thoughts. It's poisoned my mind and my life and I can no longer bear it. I feel like a lump of dry clay...fuck I need water so so fucking bad. I cannot survive in this form. I have to evolve.
Fuck my pride. Tomorrow I'm arranging to start seeing a therapist, and hopefully get on some sort of meds. I should have done this years ago, but I just didnt want to be perceived as weak, or "broken". Meanwhile I've wrought a path of destruction that has left me with such sorrow. Especially tonight.
I'm sorry LJ, for dumping this on you. But you've been there for me in the past.
Hopefully this will be the final time.
Today my heart is broken. There isn't an option for redemption, either. Not this time. I've never been accused of being a jerk, or a douche. My relationship issues stem from the fact that I am so, so obsessed with self loathing and self doubt. I let it consume me. And I let it consume yet another thing that I held dear......it fucking sucks that I cannot learn this critical lesson. I feel like a cat on his 8th life. I keep letting such beautiful, wonderful people exit my life through neglect. There are 3 occasions now where I let what I considered to be AMAZING people walk out of my life, by way of me shutting down and self destructing. Sabotage at all costs. Happiness CANNOT be achieved. Why? It's been such a long bumpy road for me mentally. I've been believing my own toxic thoughts. It's poisoned my mind and my life and I can no longer bear it. I feel like a lump of dry clay...fuck I need water so so fucking bad. I cannot survive in this form. I have to evolve.
Fuck my pride. Tomorrow I'm arranging to start seeing a therapist, and hopefully get on some sort of meds. I should have done this years ago, but I just didnt want to be perceived as weak, or "broken". Meanwhile I've wrought a path of destruction that has left me with such sorrow. Especially tonight.
I'm sorry LJ, for dumping this on you. But you've been there for me in the past.
Hopefully this will be the final time.