Reason #22 Why I Hate Children
So, as most of you who regularly read this, I don't have children. Never have and never will. This decision was more one made by the Great Architect than I, but I have been content to go with this, and when I had the infrequent paternal feelings, a visit to my nieces and nephews generally killed this feelings quickly.
So tonight, I'm in the Barnes and Noble at Lynnhaven, looking for a book on building decks, as I have to rebuild ours next spring, and wanted an idea as to what the hell I'm doing, when I feel a light tapping on my shoulder. I turn and gaze into the face of THE VERY ANGEL OF DEATH HIMSELF!!! ARGH!!!
And, being an old guy that I am, farted. Somewhat loudly.
Okay, after a moment's assessment of the situation, and seeing that this was rather a child in a black robe, black feathery wings, a scythe and a trick or treat bucket (and, frankly, a very neat costume I must say), my heart eases down to normal. The child, on the other hand is dancing with glee, as having scared the crap (or at least what smells like it) out of me. It is at this time, that Mom decides to regain control of her child who then rushes to her shouting "I scared the crap out of that man!!!"
Mom: "Now sweetheart, what did I tell you abou ... OH MY GAWD!!!!" ::covering her nose and mouth::
I swear to gawd, I didn't think it was that bad, and I'm already embarrassed beyond telling at this stage.
Enter Dad, who doesn't even make it to the "OH MY GAWD!!!" stage. All the while, the kid is STILL doing the 'I scared the crap out of the old guy' happy dance.
One of the employees looks down over at us, indecisive as to whether or not to come down here and investigate. Dad advises her that it's somewhat ripe down here, and you should keep your distance. (Thanks Dad, that really makes me feel better, thank you very farking much!.) This is the time I make a hasty retreat, book in hand to the other side of the store, pay for the damn thing and leave. Shortly returning upon realizing that I still have a coupon for a free cappuchino. Okay embarrassment of the highest degree is one thing, but free coffee is still free coffee. No other shards of my pride are sacrificed to the gawds of fate, but I am determined not to tempt them.
Mama Fratelli said it best: "Kids suck."
So tonight, I'm in the Barnes and Noble at Lynnhaven, looking for a book on building decks, as I have to rebuild ours next spring, and wanted an idea as to what the hell I'm doing, when I feel a light tapping on my shoulder. I turn and gaze into the face of THE VERY ANGEL OF DEATH HIMSELF!!! ARGH!!!
And, being an old guy that I am, farted. Somewhat loudly.
Okay, after a moment's assessment of the situation, and seeing that this was rather a child in a black robe, black feathery wings, a scythe and a trick or treat bucket (and, frankly, a very neat costume I must say), my heart eases down to normal. The child, on the other hand is dancing with glee, as having scared the crap (or at least what smells like it) out of me. It is at this time, that Mom decides to regain control of her child who then rushes to her shouting "I scared the crap out of that man!!!"
Mom: "Now sweetheart, what did I tell you abou ... OH MY GAWD!!!!" ::covering her nose and mouth::
I swear to gawd, I didn't think it was that bad, and I'm already embarrassed beyond telling at this stage.
Enter Dad, who doesn't even make it to the "OH MY GAWD!!!" stage. All the while, the kid is STILL doing the 'I scared the crap out of the old guy' happy dance.
One of the employees looks down over at us, indecisive as to whether or not to come down here and investigate. Dad advises her that it's somewhat ripe down here, and you should keep your distance. (Thanks Dad, that really makes me feel better, thank you very farking much!.) This is the time I make a hasty retreat, book in hand to the other side of the store, pay for the damn thing and leave. Shortly returning upon realizing that I still have a coupon for a free cappuchino. Okay embarrassment of the highest degree is one thing, but free coffee is still free coffee. No other shards of my pride are sacrificed to the gawds of fate, but I am determined not to tempt them.
Mama Fratelli said it best: "Kids suck."