Can't sleep.
Okay first things first, this is a journal, yes? Okay then, warning you now I am most likely going to bitch and moan and complain a lot. Only because I don't do it in real life and I don't let things that I write in here affect my daily life.
Good, now that that's settled. That party thing saturday night wasn't such a great idea now that I look back on it. It made me depressed, I didn't really enjoy it. I could've done without the drama, I could've done without the excessive mess that was left for me to clean up, and I could've done without the fact they ate all my god damned food. I have no fucking money and they ate all the food I ate on a daily basis. I mean I did get pissed off at certain hings that are silly. Like Kevin wearing the same sweatshirt I got for Christmas from Aimee. It just aggravated me cuz he doesn't play Mario games at all. I mean wtf. Can no one be real anymore? Then Matt and Dave were talking to me about having all our kids at the same time. Dave went on saying he's been with Katie for 5-6 years and Matt's been with Alicia for I think almost a year a half? And well me, I got nothing. For some reason that's the one topic I'm sensitive about and I hate it. I'm the one actrually living a somewhat adult life, and I gotta live it alone. There are times I'd like to just cry thinking about it. I come home to an empty house. Leave an empty house. Nothing changes. I'd love to do something about it, but I don't have the advantages others do, I'm not in school, I can't really go out since I'm working all the time. I was trying to halt the conversation about having kids at the same time, but they were all about it. I really appreciate that they think of me as a brother and all, but, I said to them it'll be easier for them than it will be for me, I'm still at stage one in that area and don't even really have any candidates. It sucks, that's kinda the one thing that destroys me every time I think about it. Everyone says play the field, "bang mad bitches yo", enjoy the single life. I don't want to. I don't know why, maybe I'm wise beyond my years, who knows, but I'd rather be in a relationship with someone, than going around being a damned man whore. Everyone thinks, "yeah! You must be getting al the girls!". But I'm not. Sure I have my own apartment, sure I have a nice car, sure I have money cuz I work my ass off all the time, but apparently in this day and age that means squat. I'm barely making it by. No one has no idea my finances, my debt count, how rough it is leading my life sometimes. I hear a few people complain about there life, living at home rent free, no job, but yet have a car and free time, and I just want to smack them. Give thema nice kick in the ass that is reality. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm no saint or anything, but I have been told by guys at work almost 3 times my age that for 19 years old I give pretty damn good advice that is strictly based on reality. To my own brother nonethelss, who still, decides not to heed it. Another story I won't get into just yet.
I guess it all just circles back to the fact I'm 19 going on 35 or something.
But anyway, I guess in all truthfulness, I'm just not happy. Sure I may seem it, and seem nonchalant when things that should bother me don't. But In actuality I'm not happy at all. I'm not going to go so far as to say "wahhh my life sucks wahh wahh" cuz I'm not that person. My life's alright, great job and all that, it's just lonely, very, very, lonely.
Not only that but one person I thought would actually, possibly, be something more than a friend or whatever, pretty much has done exactly what another good friend warned me about. It's ridiculous, and it sucks. But what can I do. Can't say that she lost out, cuz that'd be conceited and wrong.
You know what, I've discovered a few things about myself recently I feel like posting. How's that sound? Great, awesome, spectacular. I've recetly found out a personality trait I have is similar to that of the main character in Lucky Number Slevin. If you haven't seen the movie, he's got this sortof disease thing that keeps him free from worry (great thing right?) Well mine isn't exactly like that, or should I say not so extreme. I don't worry as much as everyone else does, and I guess you could say it steps into another boundary, meaning I don't let anything get to me. Whether it be an immensely negative thing or even a positive thing that could turn negative, I don't let it bother me, shrug it off and ignore it basically. It's work quite a bit when it comes to "important" people making excuses, cancelling plans, or even people playing with me at the time. If you don't let anything affect you, nothing bad can come of it in the end. I like that. Works for me, keeps me mostly sane. Until of course it all builds up like it just did. When it all builds up as it has done I just can't hold anything back. Even last night Dave was pissing me off, I kept getting the urge to hit something, hard. Maybe even him. But I wouldn't. I have more self control than that. There are things I admire about myself, I don't care if I sound conceited right now cuz I view them as great things. My self control being one of them, everything I just went through being another, my independence, my morals (well something along morals), and my favorite personality trait possible, My ability to look at both sides of everything. I don't just mean in an argument, I mean in daily life, cause and affect, different outcomes. I guess it goes hand in hand with the whole not letting things bother me. I look at both ends of the spectrum in everything and I mean everything. Kinda crazy i guess but it just comes natural to me and is what i view is my top personality trait, well in most situations.
Wow I just wrote a lot. Damn what a read. Hah have fun.
Good, now that that's settled. That party thing saturday night wasn't such a great idea now that I look back on it. It made me depressed, I didn't really enjoy it. I could've done without the drama, I could've done without the excessive mess that was left for me to clean up, and I could've done without the fact they ate all my god damned food. I have no fucking money and they ate all the food I ate on a daily basis. I mean I did get pissed off at certain hings that are silly. Like Kevin wearing the same sweatshirt I got for Christmas from Aimee. It just aggravated me cuz he doesn't play Mario games at all. I mean wtf. Can no one be real anymore? Then Matt and Dave were talking to me about having all our kids at the same time. Dave went on saying he's been with Katie for 5-6 years and Matt's been with Alicia for I think almost a year a half? And well me, I got nothing. For some reason that's the one topic I'm sensitive about and I hate it. I'm the one actrually living a somewhat adult life, and I gotta live it alone. There are times I'd like to just cry thinking about it. I come home to an empty house. Leave an empty house. Nothing changes. I'd love to do something about it, but I don't have the advantages others do, I'm not in school, I can't really go out since I'm working all the time. I was trying to halt the conversation about having kids at the same time, but they were all about it. I really appreciate that they think of me as a brother and all, but, I said to them it'll be easier for them than it will be for me, I'm still at stage one in that area and don't even really have any candidates. It sucks, that's kinda the one thing that destroys me every time I think about it. Everyone says play the field, "bang mad bitches yo", enjoy the single life. I don't want to. I don't know why, maybe I'm wise beyond my years, who knows, but I'd rather be in a relationship with someone, than going around being a damned man whore. Everyone thinks, "yeah! You must be getting al the girls!". But I'm not. Sure I have my own apartment, sure I have a nice car, sure I have money cuz I work my ass off all the time, but apparently in this day and age that means squat. I'm barely making it by. No one has no idea my finances, my debt count, how rough it is leading my life sometimes. I hear a few people complain about there life, living at home rent free, no job, but yet have a car and free time, and I just want to smack them. Give thema nice kick in the ass that is reality. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm no saint or anything, but I have been told by guys at work almost 3 times my age that for 19 years old I give pretty damn good advice that is strictly based on reality. To my own brother nonethelss, who still, decides not to heed it. Another story I won't get into just yet.
I guess it all just circles back to the fact I'm 19 going on 35 or something.
But anyway, I guess in all truthfulness, I'm just not happy. Sure I may seem it, and seem nonchalant when things that should bother me don't. But In actuality I'm not happy at all. I'm not going to go so far as to say "wahhh my life sucks wahh wahh" cuz I'm not that person. My life's alright, great job and all that, it's just lonely, very, very, lonely.
Not only that but one person I thought would actually, possibly, be something more than a friend or whatever, pretty much has done exactly what another good friend warned me about. It's ridiculous, and it sucks. But what can I do. Can't say that she lost out, cuz that'd be conceited and wrong.
You know what, I've discovered a few things about myself recently I feel like posting. How's that sound? Great, awesome, spectacular. I've recetly found out a personality trait I have is similar to that of the main character in Lucky Number Slevin. If you haven't seen the movie, he's got this sortof disease thing that keeps him free from worry (great thing right?) Well mine isn't exactly like that, or should I say not so extreme. I don't worry as much as everyone else does, and I guess you could say it steps into another boundary, meaning I don't let anything get to me. Whether it be an immensely negative thing or even a positive thing that could turn negative, I don't let it bother me, shrug it off and ignore it basically. It's work quite a bit when it comes to "important" people making excuses, cancelling plans, or even people playing with me at the time. If you don't let anything affect you, nothing bad can come of it in the end. I like that. Works for me, keeps me mostly sane. Until of course it all builds up like it just did. When it all builds up as it has done I just can't hold anything back. Even last night Dave was pissing me off, I kept getting the urge to hit something, hard. Maybe even him. But I wouldn't. I have more self control than that. There are things I admire about myself, I don't care if I sound conceited right now cuz I view them as great things. My self control being one of them, everything I just went through being another, my independence, my morals (well something along morals), and my favorite personality trait possible, My ability to look at both sides of everything. I don't just mean in an argument, I mean in daily life, cause and affect, different outcomes. I guess it goes hand in hand with the whole not letting things bother me. I look at both ends of the spectrum in everything and I mean everything. Kinda crazy i guess but it just comes natural to me and is what i view is my top personality trait, well in most situations.
Wow I just wrote a lot. Damn what a read. Hah have fun.