guess i should document this here for posterity...
so its official and permanent, jenn and i are over, for good, when it comes to future possibility i jsut fumbled my saving throw as badly as possible...
no matter what i tell myself i have to keep reminding my conscious mind that i am a good person, i have done everything possible to make sure she was taken care of no matter how badly it hurt me to do so when at my sickest.. I have to remember that i AM a good person, i do right by people i hold dear, i even, tothe point of personal detriment, do my best to help even people i dont know when i can. and i have to remember that this situation is due to circumstances beyond either of our ability to change it, and that in her own way, even if she hasnt shown in in almsot 4 years, jenn does love me, and this is probably as painful to her as it is to me.. maybe moreso who knows.
I promise all the people that i know are there for me right now that i will NOT allow mycself to commit the "ultimate mistake" I will not let myself inflict so much damage to my mental state that i wind up doing something i know is not the right answer.. I wont do that to jenn and i wont do that to my friends no matter what..
I am going to PES tonight for a med change.. the pristiq didnt work for me at all, and i need some ativan or something to take the physical stress thats causing me to be rather ill down a notch. I need to proactively make sure that i take the steps i have to take to get through this intact.
please if you read this, and are on my yahoo or facebook and get a feeling that i could use a friendly hello or something, dont hesitate to give me one, you dont even know how much i will owe the people that let me know i am cared about right now...
I have gone almost FOUR years without even having any reciprocation when attempting to cuddle at night, not even a passionate kiss when i try to initiate one.. in reaction to that, i have spent that time telling myself that its my fault and that if i change something else about myself, maybe, just maybe it will be the thing that gets jenn to act like she loves me again.
I know in the back of my mind that this isnt true, and its what is giving me the slight shred of hope that i can move on from this somehow... but when it really matters, i cant make myself believe that which, on some level, i do really know somehow.
its not gonna be easy, i might wind up in soup kitchens, shelters, and living out of the back of my car before this is all over with... but this is something that will eventually get better if i just hang on.. and i have hung on to a hopeless and tormenting, self-destructive relationship for this long.. its time to start fighting a fight i know i can win, and getting myself back into a place that i dont cry myself to sleep 5 nights a week if not more.
to my friends that have and are being there for me, thank you, you cant imagine what that effort to be there is doing for me.
no matter what i tell myself i have to keep reminding my conscious mind that i am a good person, i have done everything possible to make sure she was taken care of no matter how badly it hurt me to do so when at my sickest.. I have to remember that i AM a good person, i do right by people i hold dear, i even, tothe point of personal detriment, do my best to help even people i dont know when i can. and i have to remember that this situation is due to circumstances beyond either of our ability to change it, and that in her own way, even if she hasnt shown in in almsot 4 years, jenn does love me, and this is probably as painful to her as it is to me.. maybe moreso who knows.
I promise all the people that i know are there for me right now that i will NOT allow mycself to commit the "ultimate mistake" I will not let myself inflict so much damage to my mental state that i wind up doing something i know is not the right answer.. I wont do that to jenn and i wont do that to my friends no matter what..
I am going to PES tonight for a med change.. the pristiq didnt work for me at all, and i need some ativan or something to take the physical stress thats causing me to be rather ill down a notch. I need to proactively make sure that i take the steps i have to take to get through this intact.
please if you read this, and are on my yahoo or facebook and get a feeling that i could use a friendly hello or something, dont hesitate to give me one, you dont even know how much i will owe the people that let me know i am cared about right now...
I have gone almost FOUR years without even having any reciprocation when attempting to cuddle at night, not even a passionate kiss when i try to initiate one.. in reaction to that, i have spent that time telling myself that its my fault and that if i change something else about myself, maybe, just maybe it will be the thing that gets jenn to act like she loves me again.
I know in the back of my mind that this isnt true, and its what is giving me the slight shred of hope that i can move on from this somehow... but when it really matters, i cant make myself believe that which, on some level, i do really know somehow.
its not gonna be easy, i might wind up in soup kitchens, shelters, and living out of the back of my car before this is all over with... but this is something that will eventually get better if i just hang on.. and i have hung on to a hopeless and tormenting, self-destructive relationship for this long.. its time to start fighting a fight i know i can win, and getting myself back into a place that i dont cry myself to sleep 5 nights a week if not more.
to my friends that have and are being there for me, thank you, you cant imagine what that effort to be there is doing for me.