where the good part begins.
it really started last month at my pain dr we finally found something that worked at a reasonable dose that could actually be prescribed.. it was percocet, i can take 6 daily, so once again however, i was back to the 4-6hrs of relief and 6-8 hrs of misery cause i was breaking my whole days supply into 2 doses instead of 3 or 6 because it let me function better for the time it was in my system and by that point the pain was something that i had just come to accept, it still hurt, i still wanted, and still do want, to be rid of it to the greatest extent possible, but i wasnt having to take all 6 in one shot.. or even more with some other things that were tried.
the next step is to get me on oxycodone, same active ingredient, no tylenol, and they can give me higher dosages because the tylenol isnt there to fry my liver. the problem now, my insurance doesnt cover it in brand or generic so we are trying to get me on the drug makers assistance program, which i am sure i will qualify for its just time and paperwork to make it happen, so that started me off with a tiny shimmer of "hey i have dealt with this for years another month or two while we sort this isnt that bad if it works out" thats where i am on the pain, its still there but as you will read later, the rest of, and best part, to me of all this is that even though its still there even it has drastically improved in some ways.
so on the monday before my shrinks appt (the 12th) i was on the phone with my mom, who has the same set of symptoms as me as far as pain and fatigue and thought process and has for over a decade now i guess. we hit on an emotional subject and i broke down and admitted to her just how bad things had become for me and told her that i didnt even know if i would make it for the holidays cause i wasnt sure i'd be able to make the drive to tulsa and back and actually be able to do anything but hang out with them in the hotel room in the little bit of time i usually spent awake each day....
We talked about how alike our problems are and what has helped her and i brought up the percocet/oxycontin situation and she told me that, for her, that specific opiate was the only one that did anything for her also. we got on the subject of the fatigue and lack of ability to think clearly, and she told me the only thing she could find that helped that was adderall, and that it was probably the only reason she physically was able to raise my 17 year old brother. we talked for a while longer and i got off the phone to do my research on adderall i knew a bit about it, was told i was on it as a kid, and that i should study up and approach my shrink very seriously about trying it... when my grandmother passed last year my mom reminded me that she had given me three days worth cause all the family shit was early in the day those days well before i would have been able to function and she remiinded me how much better i was those three days.. fast forward to my shrink appt on the 13th...
i had mentioned the adderall option to him a time or two in the past in the last year so it wasnt virgin territory for us to enter, but this time i decided i had nothing to lose by laying shit on the line for him, after 5 years as a patient, and him always treating me very well i felt more comfortable doing this with him than any other dr i have ever had so i went for it... i went into his office and when we started discussing how i was doing i layed it on the line for him as to how miserable i was and how desperate i was getting for something that would help me. then i told him about my mom and her situation and the fact that she had to take it to function for all the same reasons i was suffering at the time....
got through all the how i was doing shit and before he could go any farther with the session i told him flat out that i felt like adderall was my last shot at any possiblity at getting my ability to function and think well back and that i was specifically asking him to write me a script for it...
we had the drug of abuse chat, and i assured him that i would much rather go score an 8-ball of coke than come to his office, lay it out like that, and beg for adderall to get high on. and he agreed to try it for 90 days, and at an aggressive dosage to knock it out quick if it was gonna work, we decided that i would rather taper down to control side effects than taper up to gain effectiveness since i only see him personally every 3-4 months (yay low income psych care).
he wrote the script and gave me 90 days worth at a dosage that we agreed would be effective if it was going to be effective at all, but one that left us the option of adding the XR version down the road if the effectiveness lessens and/or a tolerance built up.
i was hurting like hell, so tired i could barely understand what had just happened much less drive, and wanting nothing more than to go back to bed and escape for a little bit longer... but i drug myself to the pharmacy. since i was going to be taking it twice a day, once an hour or so before i need to wake up via setting an alarm and having it on the nightstand with a drink, and then once 4-6 hrs after i woke up depending on how i felt and how late i planned on staying up, i went ahead and started it as soon as i got home since it was 5:45 and i didnt give a fuck if it kept me up all night.. i have had enough sleep over the last 2 years to last me a lifetime if i could redistribute it.. probably literally. when you have episodes of sleeping over 36 hrs only getting up to piss and smoke, the hours add up quick ya know.
Anyways back on topic, i took the first pill of the newly scripted adderall at about 5:45, by 7 i could tell it was kicking in, and it seemed like things were getting clearer and i was starting to have notions of possibly having some energy, by 8 i knew that i was in for a great night, that some kind of act of god was occuring. And before you jump to the conclusion it was a speed high, I've been a meth junkie for almost 6 mo at one point in my life.. this wasnt a buzz, it wasnt a high, it wasnt a rush. this was something organic. it was like my brain was a gigantic power grid and as my illness go worse someone had been turning off the power to parts of it causing it to have to function around the lack of power and with every loss of power the adjustment equated to a loss of my ability to function and an increase in my pain.
by 8:30 or so i realized that power grid anology and realized what i was feeling... the adderall was basically restoring the power to all those areas that had been taken offline by my illness, and my brain was returning to the state it was in before the illness set in, i still have the mood swings, i'm sure i will still be bipolar, and i know that this effect wont last forever at this magnitude, but in the matter of two hours it took me from what the hell lets try it ... to holy fuck it feels like i am coming back to life. I didnt take all my other meds that i take at bedtime till almost 6am and yeah its not normally gonna be that late as the effects settle in and a tolerance builds, but i hadnt been up till my wife said it was bedtime in so long i forgot the last time we were both in bed and fully awake at the same time unless i had already been lying there sleeping to some degree for several hours already and woke up cause she disturbed me.
so midnight rolls around, i'm still feeling like a jr high kid that just fucked a highschool cheerleader and i'm thinking ya know, if i still feel like this tomorrow than my life is gonna be given back.. i was already notiicing how my thoughts were more coherent, my pain was changing, turning into something that still hurt but didnt destroy me like it had the day before.. hell 12 hrs before... i felt a transformation starting.. and something told me it wasnt just being high, i have known all too well way too many times what high feels like.. this wasnt it.. this felt like real repair.
5am rolls around still feel great but kinda starting to get a little sleepy.. go figure i had been up early (for me) on tues cause i had to drive downtown for my psych appt.i take my meds and start to wind down for the night... even with my sedating meds at night i still felt lucid and able to think clearly and specifically, and while yeah i was tired, it wasnt the normal gripping, wrenching fatigue that i was used to on a daily basis... at some point in the night i realized it was more than likely a permenant thing to some degree and that i would probably feel at least close to as good wed when i got up as i did when i went to sleep so i got on the guest list for a show i had wanted to see wed since i suddenly had reason to believe i could make it through going downtown for the show and about 6 jenn and i layed down and went to sleep together for the first time in ages.. and i, for the first time in years, felt a genuine happiness that i hadnt felt in so long i had totally forgotten the feeling. good night.
the next step is to get me on oxycodone, same active ingredient, no tylenol, and they can give me higher dosages because the tylenol isnt there to fry my liver. the problem now, my insurance doesnt cover it in brand or generic so we are trying to get me on the drug makers assistance program, which i am sure i will qualify for its just time and paperwork to make it happen, so that started me off with a tiny shimmer of "hey i have dealt with this for years another month or two while we sort this isnt that bad if it works out" thats where i am on the pain, its still there but as you will read later, the rest of, and best part, to me of all this is that even though its still there even it has drastically improved in some ways.
so on the monday before my shrinks appt (the 12th) i was on the phone with my mom, who has the same set of symptoms as me as far as pain and fatigue and thought process and has for over a decade now i guess. we hit on an emotional subject and i broke down and admitted to her just how bad things had become for me and told her that i didnt even know if i would make it for the holidays cause i wasnt sure i'd be able to make the drive to tulsa and back and actually be able to do anything but hang out with them in the hotel room in the little bit of time i usually spent awake each day....
We talked about how alike our problems are and what has helped her and i brought up the percocet/oxycontin situation and she told me that, for her, that specific opiate was the only one that did anything for her also. we got on the subject of the fatigue and lack of ability to think clearly, and she told me the only thing she could find that helped that was adderall, and that it was probably the only reason she physically was able to raise my 17 year old brother. we talked for a while longer and i got off the phone to do my research on adderall i knew a bit about it, was told i was on it as a kid, and that i should study up and approach my shrink very seriously about trying it... when my grandmother passed last year my mom reminded me that she had given me three days worth cause all the family shit was early in the day those days well before i would have been able to function and she remiinded me how much better i was those three days.. fast forward to my shrink appt on the 13th...
i had mentioned the adderall option to him a time or two in the past in the last year so it wasnt virgin territory for us to enter, but this time i decided i had nothing to lose by laying shit on the line for him, after 5 years as a patient, and him always treating me very well i felt more comfortable doing this with him than any other dr i have ever had so i went for it... i went into his office and when we started discussing how i was doing i layed it on the line for him as to how miserable i was and how desperate i was getting for something that would help me. then i told him about my mom and her situation and the fact that she had to take it to function for all the same reasons i was suffering at the time....
got through all the how i was doing shit and before he could go any farther with the session i told him flat out that i felt like adderall was my last shot at any possiblity at getting my ability to function and think well back and that i was specifically asking him to write me a script for it...
we had the drug of abuse chat, and i assured him that i would much rather go score an 8-ball of coke than come to his office, lay it out like that, and beg for adderall to get high on. and he agreed to try it for 90 days, and at an aggressive dosage to knock it out quick if it was gonna work, we decided that i would rather taper down to control side effects than taper up to gain effectiveness since i only see him personally every 3-4 months (yay low income psych care).
he wrote the script and gave me 90 days worth at a dosage that we agreed would be effective if it was going to be effective at all, but one that left us the option of adding the XR version down the road if the effectiveness lessens and/or a tolerance built up.
i was hurting like hell, so tired i could barely understand what had just happened much less drive, and wanting nothing more than to go back to bed and escape for a little bit longer... but i drug myself to the pharmacy. since i was going to be taking it twice a day, once an hour or so before i need to wake up via setting an alarm and having it on the nightstand with a drink, and then once 4-6 hrs after i woke up depending on how i felt and how late i planned on staying up, i went ahead and started it as soon as i got home since it was 5:45 and i didnt give a fuck if it kept me up all night.. i have had enough sleep over the last 2 years to last me a lifetime if i could redistribute it.. probably literally. when you have episodes of sleeping over 36 hrs only getting up to piss and smoke, the hours add up quick ya know.
Anyways back on topic, i took the first pill of the newly scripted adderall at about 5:45, by 7 i could tell it was kicking in, and it seemed like things were getting clearer and i was starting to have notions of possibly having some energy, by 8 i knew that i was in for a great night, that some kind of act of god was occuring. And before you jump to the conclusion it was a speed high, I've been a meth junkie for almost 6 mo at one point in my life.. this wasnt a buzz, it wasnt a high, it wasnt a rush. this was something organic. it was like my brain was a gigantic power grid and as my illness go worse someone had been turning off the power to parts of it causing it to have to function around the lack of power and with every loss of power the adjustment equated to a loss of my ability to function and an increase in my pain.
by 8:30 or so i realized that power grid anology and realized what i was feeling... the adderall was basically restoring the power to all those areas that had been taken offline by my illness, and my brain was returning to the state it was in before the illness set in, i still have the mood swings, i'm sure i will still be bipolar, and i know that this effect wont last forever at this magnitude, but in the matter of two hours it took me from what the hell lets try it ... to holy fuck it feels like i am coming back to life. I didnt take all my other meds that i take at bedtime till almost 6am and yeah its not normally gonna be that late as the effects settle in and a tolerance builds, but i hadnt been up till my wife said it was bedtime in so long i forgot the last time we were both in bed and fully awake at the same time unless i had already been lying there sleeping to some degree for several hours already and woke up cause she disturbed me.
so midnight rolls around, i'm still feeling like a jr high kid that just fucked a highschool cheerleader and i'm thinking ya know, if i still feel like this tomorrow than my life is gonna be given back.. i was already notiicing how my thoughts were more coherent, my pain was changing, turning into something that still hurt but didnt destroy me like it had the day before.. hell 12 hrs before... i felt a transformation starting.. and something told me it wasnt just being high, i have known all too well way too many times what high feels like.. this wasnt it.. this felt like real repair.
5am rolls around still feel great but kinda starting to get a little sleepy.. go figure i had been up early (for me) on tues cause i had to drive downtown for my psych appt.i take my meds and start to wind down for the night... even with my sedating meds at night i still felt lucid and able to think clearly and specifically, and while yeah i was tired, it wasnt the normal gripping, wrenching fatigue that i was used to on a daily basis... at some point in the night i realized it was more than likely a permenant thing to some degree and that i would probably feel at least close to as good wed when i got up as i did when i went to sleep so i got on the guest list for a show i had wanted to see wed since i suddenly had reason to believe i could make it through going downtown for the show and about 6 jenn and i layed down and went to sleep together for the first time in ages.. and i, for the first time in years, felt a genuine happiness that i hadnt felt in so long i had totally forgotten the feeling. good night.